An early episode of "The Simpsons" featured Grandpa Abe Simpson and fellow nursing home denizen Jasper walking out of a movie theater, complaining about the film they'd just seen. Among their complaints: "The romantic subplot felt tacked on!"
That pretty much sums up the allegedly Valentine's Day-themed edition of The Vermont Country Store's catalog. In 92 pages, the nod to the patron saint of love and epilepsy is confined to the cover, a double bind-in card, and a tiny reproduction of 50-year-old ad for Lollipop underwear, which is tucked away on page 45.
In short, the cover promises romance, but delivers liniments and flannels for flinty New Englanders. Which is fine – people need liniments and flannels – but not when the promise is love potions and lace.
The cover of the winter edition of the Vermont Country Store features pictures of two rosy-cheeked children – one of each of the major genders – apparently lifted straight from the Von Trapp family. But all is not right in the hinterland: the male is brandishing a pair of long-bladed sewing scissors.
Note to designers – if you must portray a lad with a pair of sewing scissors, make sure he's actually cutting something innocuous. Between the look on the boy's face and the way he's holding the scissors – with his arm cocked back, as if about to thrust with a sword – he appears to be preparing to lunge for the eyes of an apple-cheeked lass who appears on the cover with him.
But maybe that's love. After all, Linda Riss ended up marrying Burton Pugach after goons Pugach hired threw lye in her face, blinding her. They've been married for 33 years – with the nuptials coming 15 years AFTER Riss was blinded. (The Riss-Pugach marriage is the subject of Dan Klores's 2007 documentary "Crazy Love.")
Just inside this heart-and-scissors bedecked cover is a letter from the catalog publishers. Ah, what might one expect in the way of a message to reflect St. Valentine's passions? A warm tale of love from long ago among the catalog's founders? A treatise on the various sorts of love between sweethearts, long-time inamoratas, or perhaps even family members?How about the following sentiments: "Often snow will fall heavily and snap the limbs of trees, sending them down onto the power lines and leaving our village in darkness, sometimes for days." "We are used to cruel cold winters…." "Our grandmother is 95 and knows how a rush of high water can damage a house…" This is copy for a Valentine's Day catalog — as written by V. C. Andrews.
Beyond the cover, the holiday message is limited to a bound-in cardstock insert that appears between pages four and five, and again between 92 and 93. The four offerings include three candy varieties and a collection of Golden Book's Vintage Flocked Valentines, which was the source of the cherubic cover art.
Aside from that, there is precious little in the catalog that acknowledged the sensual, the sexy, even the downright smutty overtones of Valentine's Day in 2007. I held out hope for a selection of "Doctor-Recommended Anastasia [brand] Creams Specifically Formulated to Heal Diabetic Skin Irritations."
Alas, these creams are not edible.
Sadly, the best Valentine's Day product is understated – and therefore a missed opportunity. A product called "Tired Old Ass Soak" purportedly "perks you up again in a way that is no joke." But what gives this product a certain Valentine's Day cachet is a testimonial from user Judy Loughlin, of Cape Cod, MA.
Writes Loughlin, "I was starting a new but 'second time around' relationship at an age too close to 60 to discuss and I needed to put a gift package together. Thankfully your catalog came to my rescue. The Tired Old Ass Soak isn't the only reason my relationship is still going strong, but it sure helped me show that I have a sense of humor…and allowed me to test his humor level also."
This is the most romantic, sentimental-without-being-saccharine bit in the entire catalog. Pity that Judy Loughlin didn't write all the copy for the Valentine's Day catalog – and doubly a pity that nobody at Vermont Country Store saw this as a perfect of-the-season item to highlight.
I'll grant that there are production reasons behind why the company did what it did – it's easier and cheaper to slap a new cover on a standard catalog than modify the content for a specific holiday or season. But in this case the hearts-and-bows cover makes a promise that the contents don't fulfill.
The Vermont Country Store catalog accomplishes its mission quite well – it provides practical and hard-to-find goods for consumers living in small rural communities. Why the publishers felt they had to make a half-hearted nod to Valentine's Day is beyond me. Apparently it's beyond them, as well.
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