One-String Fiddle
Two offers for “The Orchestra Platinum Visa® Card” came in the same day’s mail. They were identical except for the percentage hawked on the envelope. One said, “0% Intro APR, As low as 8.9% Fixed APR.” The other said, “0% Intro APR, As low as 10.9% Fixed APR.”
The key isn’t that the envelope copy is, to be charitable, execrable. No, the key is that I wasn’t at all surprised.
Anybody who has more than 35 cents left after what’s happened to the stock market gets drowned in frantic pitches from what we used to call financial institutions but now call gimme-gimme pitchers. They quite regularly lose credibility, as those who grind out magazine subscription promotions lose credibility, by playing the one-string fiddle over and over again.
Before those Orchestra Platinum Visa Card offers started piling into the mailbox, the same source—oh, all right, it’s Bank One—had begun the bombardment with an identical series of mailings for “The Florida Living Platinum Visa® Card” after trying their hand with the National Geographic Platinum MasterCard and I can’t remember what else. The difference was in the first sentence of the letter: Where the Orchestra letter began, “In recognition of your support and loyalty for your local orchestra, you are invited to join a select group of individuals who…” the Florida Living letters began, “In recognition of your support and loyalty for Florida Living, you are invited to join a select group of individuals who…” Now, that’s creative thinking, folks!
Chase, with its peculiar slogan (“The right relationship is everything®”), says, “0.0% APR—A low rate for up to one full year”…and in a second window on the envelope, “Must be returned by December 23, 2002.” Oh? “Must”? Then why send the identical mailing with a window saying, “Respond by January 6, 2003, Special Limited Time Offer!” These were just the latest salvos. Pygmalion has fallen in love with an ugly statue, hoping time limits will expand to infinity.
I’m fairly sure we were chased by Chase a number of times before I started collecting these mailings, but these are some of the 2002 expiration dates on the ones I do have: June 24, July 8, July 22, Sept. 3, Sept. 9, Nov. 11, Nov. 25, Dec. 9, Dec. 23 (two of these). For 2003, so far the only ones had Jan. 3 and Jan. 20 expiration dates. But the year is young yet, which certainly justifies 10 or 15 more “Special Limited Time Offer[s]!”
I remember when I used to write ads for a greeting card company. The ads appeared in magazines named Opportunity and Specialty Salesman. The company ran a “First time offered” ad for about nine years. After all, there’s no legal limit to first time, is there?
Chase, playing just one note on its one-string fiddle, isn’t constructing as salesworthy a melody as the greeting card company. Its approach is more like the waiter who, having been told three times you don’t want boiled shrimp, asks, “Well, then, how about some boiled shrimp?”
Citibank and AT&T seem to be partners mired in creative treacle. Their mailings, absolutely identical except for the return address, cover this “no-fee” APR range: 2.9%, 3.9%, 4.9%, 6.9% and 7.9%. Aside from the foolishness of such repetition, do they seriously believe a) anyone who is APR-shopping hasn’t already found a temporary home, b) people aren’t going to become orgasmic over a 1% APR differential, and c) a huge percentage of recipients not only know what “APR” means but care?
The assumption of demographic/psychographic sameness has done in many a thoughtless campaign. These marketers beat at the closed door with a sponge, figuring if they smear-hit it enough times it will open. Nope. The Chinese Water Torture and the drip-drip theory don’t work in 21st century marketing. What a throwback to 1930s “Behaviorism,” a discredited theory of “pound and pound and pound until the brain accepts” communication that was the darling of the slogan-minded and the bane of the bottom-line-minded. Open that door by turning the knob, not by sponging it.
Before I get off the subject of credit cards for a few months (although the infection can flare up at any time), how about this one from Capital One?
With the current bill is a bangtail on the reply envelope with an offer of 3,600 “Instant points” that can be used for software. “Items are otherwise $5.97 per selection.” Oh? I have 3,600 points to play with, and the list of software, ranging from Rand McNally and Tom Clancy to “The Joy of Cooking” is 200 points each…plus $4.97 each. Wow, what a terrific deal those Instant Points represent! It certainly shows me in how much esteem this card issuer holds me. I can get a better deal at Denny’s.
One of those software programs is “CreataCard.” Somehow I feel that’s what this credit card company has done. Or maybe the inspiration was the first word of another one, “Pooh’s Print Studio.”
Ahhh…that feels better. I guess at some point I should compare these gems (rhinestones in the rough) with subscription renewal mailings. Yum! When is the next issue of DIRECT scheduled?
