News, the Broken Variety: Ooooo

InSence

Incentivized marketing has taken an extreme hit throughout our
industry of late. Many of the prominent networks in the space have
removed their incented channel altogether. A brand new start-up has
bucked all trends, launching their own division that will focus
exclusively on incentivized campaigns and publishers. "InSence" has
gone so far as to say, "we will not allow any type of non-incented
placements, campaigns or affiliates on our network." Makes "sence" to
me! They plan to capture market share as incentivized paths and sites
such as Panda Research, Treasure Trooper and Donkeymails.com have
found themselves scrambling for new campaigns as after five long years
of lawsuits and short-pays, Advertisers and networks finally screamed,
"ENOUGH ABUSE!!" Incidentally, I purchased 183 AMEX gift cards from
the Sav-On check-out line, each pre-loaded at $1 and my trigger
fingers are ready to pump through some sales! Yeeeeeeeee-haaaaaaaaa.
Please, nobody tell "InSence," this pimp got money to make.

Oooo

Omniscient force Google has purchased omnipotent affiliate network,
Azoogle. Reports are screaming from the northwest, northeast, and
extreme Canadian north as sources have confirmed Google bought Azoogle
for an undisclosed but undoubtedly monstrous sum of money. The
spin-off Company, focusing only on whitelisted mailers and high-end
search affiliates will be named, "Oooo." The name has been
copyrighted and the campaigns that will comprise the new spin-off
network will be Azoogle ringtone, dating and insurance sites. Google
has already ensured these sites will all receive #1 placements
permanently on their search engine! This has prompted countless
Google affiliates to lash out with slanderous claims and vial remarks.
A Google spokesperson has been quoted, "Relevance will no longer be
relevant when it comes to sites owned and operated by Azoogle. They
are now part of our family, and in our family relatives outweigh
relevance." In my family, relatives outweigh most small cars!

Desert Dirt-Talkin’

Las Vegas has been named "2007 Affiliate Marketing Mecca" by the
"Centerpiece Media" institute. Centerpiece has been nominating cities
and picking winners since 2004. Previous winners include Boca Raton,
FL for the initial year, New York, NY in 2005, and San Francisco, CA
in 2006. I asked them how they could give out an award for the "Mecca
of the year" when we’re only in the 6th month of ’07, but they
declined response. Anyway, San Francisco, which was picked by all
pundits in the playground to be the Tom Hanks of the affiliate
marketing space is now one outraged city. Jimmy Speeks, the San
Francisco online marketing representative was caught uttering, "Las
Vegas is hot and dirty. SF is stylish, sexy and constantly evolving.
The Silicon valley and everything we did for online marketing during
the first boom should not be overlooked. We are full-force in boom
#2, otherwise known as, ‘Boom-Boom.’ It is downright bewildering how
Las Vegas beat us out in our back-to-back attempt to become the first
repeat Mecca. I am headed to the spa for a facial, manicure and hot
stone therapy to clear my mind of this extreme misfortune."

IQ By Profession

In a study conducted by the CFOs of the top-grossing affiliate
marketing Companies, some extremely interesting data has been
extracted concerning IQ’s of our industry’s top CFOs. The
comprehensive study, completed from three years worth of testing and
data points shows that the profession with the 5th highest IQ on
average is Rodeo Clowns, #4 mechanical engineers, #3 neurosurgeons, #2
rocket scientists and affiliate marketing CFOs remarkably came in
filling the top slot. Honorable mention goes to "taxi drivers" which
came in 6th. This serves as no shocker to me, as those suckers are
just so damn insightful!