News, the Broken Variety: Blanked By Christmas

 Blanked By Christmas

Ok, a little rant is needed about some plain rude Holiday behavior
going on this year. Perhaps it occurs every year, but I have not seen
it during the past few years receiving cards and gifts in the
affiliate marketing space. Today marked the THIRD, yes THIRD blank
card that I received from a client. Two from advertisers, one from a
publisher. The boss of the boss of the boss must’ve decided that
everyone they have ever worked with in any capacity gets a card. So
he had the intern’s intern shoot off cards to everyone without having
anyone sign them. Nothing. What is that? The second one I got was
actually from a reasonably big partner. A new partner, true, but
we’ve been doing business a couple months, ample time to SIGN the
*bleeping* card you send me.

Get me something. Get me nothing. Get me nothing and lie to me and
ask if I received the "something" that you "sent." Or, get me nothing
and say your boss, "allowed no budget for presents this year." But
please, not again next season. Do not send blank Christmas cards with
a smiling Santa. That’s just plain uncooth.

Lacking Lackeys

Speaking of intern’s interim interns, isn’t it obvious when the office
clown sent the gift instead of your business contact? That is almost
as annoying as the blank card tactic. Ok, it isn’t nearly as bad, but
in this day of consolidation and delivery problems and many networks’
abandoning of contextual and/or incentivized placements, the days of
hundreds upon hundreds of affiliates just don’t exist. No one person
has triple digits of gifts to send. Yes, hand-picking presents takes
a lot of time, but you can have the lackey dial up all the gifts and
thus your only obligation is to write a quick personal note. That
takes minutes, in aggregate, for all the gifts you are obligated to
send. But when I receive a greeting that spells my name wrong and is
written totally out of context, I just think, "Holiday cheer ain’t
what they used to be." If nothing else, bosses, tell your *bleeping*
lackeys to spell your clients’ names properly.

Dry Humor

There is no such thing as a "dry" holiday party- alcohol is absolutely
mandatory. In fact, it is essentially full-guns territory for open
bars and all-out ragers of liver damaging proportion. A holiday party
without liquor would be like, well, an AdTech party without liquor!!
Sheer impossibility, my friends. "The festivities start at 7, and we
will be serving Virgin Egg Nog, non-alcoholic beer and little
chocolate bottles filled with a liquid that tastes a tiny bit like
rum." No thanks. I was already heartbroken once when the entire
Pac-10 went dry a few years ago. You are taking BEER away from us
while we watch football? Sorry, but can you speak in my good ear?
The only way you could get me to a holiday party with no alcohol is if
there was an unlimited supply of Harry and David "Moose Munch" as well
and their fresh, jumbo pears. Mmmm, now that’s good stuff. I would
take a blank card and some lackey-sent Pears anytime.