Loose Cannon: First They Came For The Smokers
There’s a tossup regarding which I detest more, cigarette smoke or censorship. Because of this, recent efforts to classify any movie that depicts smoking with an R rating put me in a bit of a bind.
I’m going with my anti-censorship sympathies for two reasons. First, a society that tolerates free expression should put minimal fetters on writers and directors.
Second, censors tend to have rapacious appetites. Once started, who knows what the next target of their pique will be?
A leaked draft document from the Motion Pictures Association of America Inc. answers that question.
Fr: W. H. Hays
To: D. Glickman, MPAA board
Re: Direct marketing in upcoming features
As requested, below are recommendations regarding how depictions of so-called “direct” marketing should be classified in upcoming features. I’ve broken them down based on each rating. Let’s discuss soon: The holiday shopping season nears, and theatergoers must be saved from themselves.
G: Minors may receive packages of items they’ve ordered from direct channels, but only if a) the parcels contain life-saving items, such as a new puppy to chase away mommy’s postpartum blues or a last-minute kidney and b) it’s the night before Christmas — two nights before, if Christmas Eve falls on a Sunday and therefore there is no mail delivery.
PG: Minimum ranking for any plot involving consumers misidentified in direct response solicitations (e.g., Dear Mr. Jane Smith Sr.). These story lines may be disturbing to children, especially the offspring of geneticists and list managers. Additionally, PG is the minimum rating for any film involving outbound contact centers, due to the graphic language used by consumers interrupted during meals or (clothed) romantic interludes.
PG-13: Any plot involving a marketer whose eponymous principals are of the same gender, such as “Harry & David” or “Ben & Jerry” can be rated no lower than PG-13. (Note: Find out the genders of “Crate” and “Barrel” and categorize accordingly.) PG-13 is also the minimum rating for any movie in which a DM promotion features the word “free.” By the time consumers can see these movies, they should be old enough to realize that nothing is free.
R: Any plot involving personally identifiable clickstream data use should be characterized as “R” due to the data’s potentially disturbing revelations about an individual’s character. Note: May be reduced to PG-13 if it is established that the surfer is using a public computer with “Net Nanny” site restriction software. R is also the minimum rating for any film mentioning direct response radio ads — not because of the ads themselves, but because such plots may inadvertently champion child-unfriendly programming such as Opie & Anthony, Howard Stern and Dr. Laura.
NC-17: An automatic classification for any film mentioning mobile phone advertising. We consider mobile phone contracts to be a form of bondage, and anything involving restraints in a non-police, non-military setting is unquestionably adults-only fare. In a similar vein, we must restrict any story/plot involving a mailing list “Masterfile”, especially given the implication of one or more “Slavefiles.”
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