Looking to turn off customers? Hoping to overwhelm business partners? Enjoy confusing your suppliers? Then try one or more of these seven deadly sins of newsletter writing. Each is a guaranteed business-loser. (And in case you’re looking to attract business, for each sin, we’ve also suggested alternatives.) 1. Choose Titles That Confuse & Destroy When crafting your newsletter’s title, tagline, subject line, and headlines, be too clever by half — and then some. Come up with a title that’s mysterious, poetic, or simply baffling. Write a tagline stuffed with the latest business jargon, such as: “Blather: The newsletter for sustainable enterprise business value creation optimization strategies.” In your subject line, strive for maximum incomprehensibility. Writing an article headline? Remember that silly puns rule.

Business-Attracting Alternative: Keep your newsletter’s title simple, clear, and accurate. Create a tagline that clearly explains the newsletter’s purpose and audience. “Clean Teeth News: The monthly newsletter for toothpick users” may not win a literary prize, but readers will know what to expect. For each issue, write a subject line that clearly, concisely highlights the most important benefits. Article headlines, too, should be descriptive, clear, and concise. “New Prices to Go Into Effect Next Week” tells readers what the story is about; “Tags Take a Hike” doesn’t.

2. No News, None of the Time Who needs news when you can get away with what professional editors call “evergreens”–news-free articles that can be run any time in the next, oh, 100 years. Stockpile these timeless fillers in bulk. Then run them in your newsletter anytime you’re feeling busy or tired. After all, your newsletter is free. So why should readers expect more?

Business-Attracting Alternative: It’s called a newsletter for a reason. Be sure your first article — and preferably others — presents information that’s new and topical. If you’re unsure about what constitutes news, the first test is to ask whether the event happened since your last issue. If it did, then move on to the second test: Is this event likely to have an impact on your readers? If yes again, you probably have some news. Also, if you do run evergreens, limit them to one or two per issue. Keep them short. And make sure they flatter the boss!

3. Go Light on Value

Strive to offer information that provides zero value to your readers. Write an article about your company’s new line of credit from a local bank. Describe that snazzy new cell phone you just bought. Tell a long, pointless story about taking your kid to a soccer game. When in doubt, I find that describing my aunt’s antique-button collection never fails.

Business-Attracting Alternative: Think hard about your readers’ needs and challenges. Then deliver fresh information and opinions that can actually help them meet those challenges. For example, a newsletter for retailers might offer tips for avoiding costly returns. A newsletter for software developers should report on new tools that can save them time and effort. And almost any industry right now needs help on getting more work done with fewer employees.

4. Forget the Benefits — Promote Features

Don’t bother to tediously explain how your products, services, or programs can benefit readers. Instead, simply pour on the details – the more, the better. Introducing a new product? Mention every painful spec. Offering a new service? List every detail of the operation. It’s your reader’s problem to figure out how – or even if – your offering can help them.

Business-Attracting Alternative: In every headline and lead sentence, spell out the benefits to your readers. Then, and only then, provide just enough detail to bolster your point. For readers who want additional information, provide “learn more” links that point to articles on your Web site. End longer articles with a call to action, such as: “Sign up today.” “Call us for details.” “Enter the contest now!”

5. Write Too Long–Or Too Short

If you’re offering an opinion column, don’t bother to provide any supporting facts or anecdotal evidence; that’s old-school. Just spout off and get out of the way. Alternatively, if you’re writing news, write the entire story, no matter how long. After all, why should your readers have to go to the trouble of clicking on a “learn more” link?

Business-Attracting Alternative: To misquote Abraham Lincoln, a newsletter article should be long enough to reach its point. Opinion articles need room for supporting facts and convincing examples. News, however, can be offered simply a compelling headline, plus a link to an article elsewhere. Event promos need include only a location, date, time, brief description, and a “learn more and register” link.

6. Publish Too Often–Or Not Often Enough

Does your newsletter offer thoughtful analysis and commentary? Then fill your clients’ already overflowing inboxes with a daily newsletter — twice a day is even better. Do you offer hard news? Then publish at a leisurely monthly pace; after all, why knock yourself out? Alternatively, would you like readers to forget all about you? Publishing once every three months or so should do the trick.

Business-Attracting Alternative: Let the frequency of your newsletter match both the content and the needs of your readers. For example, if you’re providing news, a daily or weekly schedule is best. If you focus on how-to’s, analysis, and opinion, you’re looking at a monthly. And if the content doesn’t merit at least monthly distribution, you don’t have a newsletter at all, but a one-time report.

7. Offer the Unsub from Hell

You don’t want to lose any readers, so make unsubscribing as difficult as possible. Send unsubbing readers to a special Web page. There, make them type in a confusing password and complete a lengthy form that fails to submit at least half the time. Finally, assuming the subscriber can manage to complete this unwieldy process, send them at least annoying three e-mails to confirm that they have been successfully unsubbed.

Business-Attracting Alternative: Make it simple and quick to unsub from your newsletter. Include the following sentence at the end of each issue, and make sure it works: “To unsubscribe from this newsletter, reply with the word ‘Unsubscribe’ in the subject line.”

You now know seven great techniques for turning off business with your newsletter. Now can I tell you about my aunt’s antique-button collection…?

Peter Krass is president of Petros Consulting LLC (www.petrosconsulting.com), He’s been involved with newsletters at Nokia, CMP Media, BusinessWeek, and others.

Looking to turn off customers? Hoping to overwhelm business partners? Enjoy confusing your suppliers? Then try one or more of these seven deadly sins of newsletter writing. Each is a guaranteed business-loser. (And in case you’re looking to attract business, for each sin, we’ve also suggested alternatives.)

1. Choose Titles That Confuse & Destroy When crafting your newsletter’s title, tagline, subject line, and headlines, be too clever by half — and then some. Come up with a title that’s mysterious, poetic, or simply baffling. Write a tagline stuffed with the latest business jargon, such as: “Blather: The newsletter for sustainable enterprise business value creation optimization strategies.” In your subject line, strive for maximum incomprehensibility. Writing an article headline? Remember that silly puns rule.

Business-Attracting Alternative: Keep your newsletter’s title simple, clear, and accurate. Create a tagline that clearly explains the newsletter’s purpose and audience. “Clean Teeth News: The monthly newsletter for toothpick users” may not win a literary prize, but readers will know what to expect. For each issue, write a subject line that clearly, concisely highlights the most important benefits. Article headlines, too, should be descriptive, clear, and concise. “New Prices to Go Into Effect Next Week” tells readers what the story is about; “Tags Take a Hike” doesn’t.

2. No News, None of the Time Who needs news when you can get away with what professional editors call “evergreens”–news-free articles that can be run any time in the next, oh, 100 years. Stockpile these timeless fillers in bulk. Then run them in your newsletter anytime you’re feeling busy or tired. After all, your newsletter is free. So why should readers expect more?

Business-Attracting Alternative: It’s called a newsletter for a reason. Be sure your first article — and preferably others — presents information that’s new and topical. If you’re unsure about what constitutes news, the first test is to ask whether the event happened since your last issue. If it did, then move on to the second test: Is this event likely to have an impact on your readers? If yes again, you probably have some news. Also, if you do run evergreens, limit them to one or two per issue. Keep them short. And make sure they flatter the boss!

3. Go Light on Value

Strive to offer information that provides zero value to your readers. Write an article about your company’s new line of credit from a local bank. Describe that snazzy new cell phone you just bought. Tell a long, pointless story about taking your kid to a soccer game. When in doubt, I find that describing my aunt’s antique-button collection never fails.

Business-Attracting Alternative: Think hard about your readers’ needs and challenges. Then deliver fresh information and opinions that can actually help them meet those challenges. For example, a newsletter for retailers might offer tips for avoiding costly returns. A newsletter for software developers should report on new tools that can save them time and effort. And almost any industry right now needs help on getting more work done with fewer employees.

4. Forget the Benefits — Promote Features

Don’t bother to tediously explain how your products, services, or programs can benefit readers. Instead, simply pour on the details – the more, the better. Introducing a new product? Mention every painful spec. Offering a new service? List every detail of the operation. It’s your reader’s problem to figure out how – or even if – your offering can help them.

Business-Attracting Alternative: In every headline and lead sentence, spell out the benefits to your readers. Then, and only then, provide just enough detail to bolster your point. For readers who want additional information, provide “learn more” links that point to articles on your Web site. End longer articles with a call to action, such as: “Sign up today.” “Call us for details.” “Enter the contest now!”

5. Write Too Long–Or Too Short

If you’re offering an opinion column, don’t bother to provide any supporting facts or anecdotal evidence; that’s old-school. Just spout off and get out of the way. Alternatively, if you’re writing news, write the entire story, no matter how long. After all, why should your readers have to go to the trouble of clicking on a “learn more” link?

Business-Attracting Alternative: To misquote Abraham Lincoln, a newsletter article should be long enough to reach its point. Opinion articles need room for supporting facts and convincing examples. News, however, can be offered simply a compelling headline, plus a link to an article elsewhere. Event promos need include only a location, date, time, brief description, and a “learn more and register” link.

6. Publish Too Often–Or Not Often Enough

Does your newsletter offer thoughtful analysis and commentary? Then fill your clients’ already overflowing inboxes with a daily newsletter — twice a day is even better. Do you offer hard news? Then publish at a leisurely monthly pace; after all, why knock yourself out? Alternatively, would you like readers to forget all about you? Publishing once every three months or so should do the trick.

Business-Attracting Alternative: Let the frequency of your newsletter match both the content and the needs of your readers. For example, if you’re providing news, a daily or weekly schedule is best. If you focus on how-to’s, analysis, and opinion, you’re looking at a monthly. And if the content doesn’t merit at least monthly distribution, you don’t have a newsletter at all, but a one-time report.

7. Offer the Unsub from Hell

You don’t want to lose any readers, so make unsubscribing as difficult as possible. Send unsubbing readers to a special Web page. There, make them type in a confusing password and complete a lengthy form that fails to submit at least half the time. Finally, assuming the subscriber can manage to complete this unwieldy process, send them at least annoying three e-mails to confirm that they have been successfully unsubbed.

Business-Attracting Alternative: Make it simple and quick to unsub from your newsletter. Include the following sentence at the end of each issue, and make sure it works: “To unsubscribe from this newsletter, reply with the word ‘Unsubscribe’ in the subject line.”

You now know seven great techniques for turning off business with your newsletter. Now can I tell you about my aunt’s antique-button collection…?

Peter Krass is president of Petros Consulting LLC (www.petrosconsulting.com), He’s been involved with newsletters at Nokia, CMP Media, BusinessWeek, and others.