DURING A NEWS SEARCH, Direct’s eagle-eared editor-at-large Ken Magill came across an article on industrial anthems. Examples ranged from a bouncy tune that celebrates a 14-day paper and printing conference held in Dusseldorf, Germany to a piece done for tax and auditing firm KPMG, which represents the final nail in bubblegum pop’s coffin.
In terms of sheer awfulness, the winner may be a Wagnerian aria created for The Association of International Glaucoma Societies. This ditty attempts to answer the question, “Wouldn’t it be great if Richard Wagner gave up his fascination with Aryan superheroes and focused on diseases of the optic nerve?”
All that’s missing, as Direct contributor Jonathan Boorstein observed, is Elmer Fudd running around singing “Kill the eyesight, kill the eyesight.”
Links to these three corporate anthems can be found at http://www.theregister.co.uk/2005/11/28/anthem_poll/. Do not attempt to listen to these alone: In addition to sharing the joy, multiple listeners ensure that at least one person will remain upright to work the defibrillators.
Surely, for our own self-image we must compose an anthem of equal virtue. With apologies to Arthur Sullivan, I’m borrowing the melody to his “As Someday It May Happen,” which is more commonly known as “I’ve Got a Little List.”
With apologies to both Sullivan and W.S. Gilbert, I offer “We’re Not Hungarian, But We’ve Got a Little Lizst.”
As someday it may happen that some prospects must abound
We’ve got a little list — we’ve got a little list.
Of under-tapped consumers whom DMers haven’t found
And whom the mailers missed — and whom the mailers missed!
There’s a gent fresh out of Leaven-worth who a murder did abet:
Tho’ he hasn’t got a home now, he is ripe to take on debt.
The militia dude in Utah who is living “off the grid”
The DMers they will find him, no matter how well he’s hid.
And all “Or Current Residents,” well, they provide the grist
For our little list — for our little list!
We’ve got them on our list — we’ve got them on our list
And you can bet your CPM that none of them are missed!
There’s a woman from an ashram who’s come back to modern life
She’s not on any list — she’s not on any list.
She needs a TV and a sofa and a spackle-spreading knife:
Neiman Marcus she has missed…but now she’s on our list.
The made man who turned stoolie that the hit men didn’t kill
Despite witness protection, we know where to send the bill.
Uncorrupted politicians, yes, there really are a few
You can reach them via mail — G.P.O. in Timbuktu.
The fellow with six aliases (he’s a terrorist)
We’ve got him on our list — the FBI would love our little list!
You can bet if they exist,we’ve got them on our list
From the most gregarious to Mr. Solipsist!
There’s a woman who’s deserted home and lawful wedded spouse:
We’ve got her on the list — we’ve got her on the list.
You can reach her in a Day’s Inn shacking up with some old louse:
Your offers reach both of them, while they are in mid-tryst!
There’s the fellow who has never bought a single thing online
You solicit him with fliers printed on recycled pine.
And just because a prospect is still growing in a womb
His or her consumer patterns you should really start to groom.
The number of relationships that right now pre-exist
Are ever dwindling down, so we’ve got a little list!
The EBRs are fewer so we’ve got a little list — we’ve got a little list
Of folks who welcome DM ads directly to their midst!
Readers are, of course, encouraged to submit their own direct marketing anthems — to the tune of any reasonably well-recognized song — by e-mailing [email protected].
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