The Ignoble Art of Customer Elimination Management

During what seemed to be a golden era for would-be management experts, an acronym rocketed to the top of the consultant-heap:

CRM.

Anyone bothering to read this diatribe knows what CRM represents: Customer Relationship Management.

Ha!

Lots of software. Lots of lectures and seminars. Some 34,876 magazine articles and 666 books (conservative heuristic estimate).

Remember the closing lines from Robert Southey’s poem, “The Battle of Bienheim?”

”But what good came of it at last” quoth little Peterkin.

“Why, that I cannot tell,” said he,

“But ‘twas a famous victory.”

Bienheim endures.

CRM has made piles of money…for vendors of CRM software.

For buyers of that software, results are mixed. The problem (assuming “problem” is a better descriptive noun than “trouble”) doesn’t stem from the concept. Of course marketers should pay attention—primary attention—to keeping customers or clients satisfied. Of course many companies don’t have enough personnel or money to generate and implement a specific communication to each customer or client based on either what that customer or client has bought, considered, complained about, or returned.

Oh, yes, CRM has made a bunch of money for those selling it. For companies that buy that software and then struggle to implement with automation what they already had been doing—sometimes more effectively—it often has been an albatross hung on the corporate neck.

What brought the very term “CRM” to prominence was the promise of “managing” customers, and that concept is implicitly flawed. Why couldn’t these guys have called it “CCM”—Customer Communication Management—instead of Customer Relationship Management.

My son Bob, who runs IT Catalyst, and I have championed the more realistic acronym—CEM, Customer Elimination Management. CRM automation automatically generates two problems: First, it’s a one-size-fits-all approach, and aside from “Relationship,” the very word “management” may be ill-chosen to start with.

Second, implementation implicitly filters down to second-level personnel, because vendors sell the software itself on that basis: “You don’t have to hand-handle each customer, each inquiry, each shipment, each upgrade, or each complaint.”

With all that expensive stuff in gear, customers and clients still are units in the database of companies enjoying what they think is a 21st century solution to a marketing problem that hasn’t changed for at least 21 centuries—keeping your customer happy by having that customer believe he or she actually is unique in your records.

Case in point: You certainly have shared the inundation of conventional mail from financial institutions and credit card issuers. Each makes a promise, each is stamped from the same cliché-driven mold, and each seems to ignore, stupidly, whether the recipient already has a relationship. Uhg.

So I needn’t even describe the background behind my son Bob’s communication to CapitalOne:

To whom it may concern:

I currently hold a CapitalOne Visa Business card and have done so for more than a year. Despite this, I have been receiving frequent mail solicitations to apply for a CapitalOne card.

This makes it appear that you have no idea who your customers are, and wastes your money (presumably my rates) besides.

Recently, I received a promotional offer for a CapitalOne Travel Rewards card. I called to find out if I could simply upgrade the account I already have to add this service, and was told this isn’t possible, as the travel rewards program involved a partner that isn’t involved with my current account.

If you’ll think about the situation from the perspective of your customers, you’ll have to agree this makes no sense at all. Even if it’s true from an internal process perspective, you certainly should be able to take my request and automatically issue a replacement card and account that has the new feature without my having to worry about it. As it is, I was treated to the experience of your customer service representatives suggesting I might want to go through a brand new credit application with you for the privilege of carrying around two CapitalOne cards in my wallet.

So here’s my question: Why on earth would I want to do that? If I’m going to fill out a new credit card application and be treated like a total stranger, I’ll do so with a company with which I am a total stranger.

I expect better from a company with which I’ve been doing business for a while.

In this regard, I ask a favor: The new offer was signed by J. Alan Berson, Senior Vice President. Assuming there is such a person I ask that you forward this e-mail to him with my request that he respond personally.

Thanks for your time and attention.

– Bob

Robert Lewis
IT Catalysts, Inc.

Did he ever get an answer? You gotta be kidding. CRM doesn’t extend to the interactive, because that demands actual customer relationship management.

Herschell Gordon Lewis is a renowned direct mail copywriter. This article is excerpted from his book, “Asinine Advertising (How Stupid and Unethical Adverting Costs You Money!” (Racom Communications, 2005).