THE COCKLES OF MANY A direct marketer’s heart were warmed this winter by online shopping’s reported fortunes. Doubtless some of the increase in business reflects the public’s ever-growing comfort with online commerce, and some of it reflects rank opportunism. For instance, in December Web-based DMers took advantage of a transit strike in New York by offering stranded, panic-stricken gift buyers expedited delivery.
The Writers Guild of America West has raised a lot of noise about product placement in television shows. Members’ complaints stem from increasing pressure to work sponsors’ products into television plot lines, or to have characters move through the action carrying packages of biscuit mix with the label facing the camera.
This apparently sticks in the writers’ craws, especially as they rarely are allowed to share in the profits from these efforts. In fact, they’re seldom even presented with so much as a tray of freshly baked biscuits.
I have a complaint too: Why do brand advertisers get all the opportunities for touting their wares? Under the assumption that television writers’ lack of familiarity with direct marketing is the primary reason, I offer a guide for incorporating direct response channels into standard plots.
Catalogs
Writers should portray catalogs as acceptable reading material in all situations. There’s no reason why a spy cabal can’t reference specific words on specific pages of the latest Abercrombie & Fitch release. Furthermore, as catalogs have a substantial physical presence, perhaps they could be shown in a heroic role. Can the current Neiman Marcus Christmas book stop a bullet? If not, can the store be convinced to put out a Kevlar-coated edition?
Direct mail
Ransom notes arriving by mail should be accompanied by no fewer than three credit card solicitations. Insurance pitches may be substituted for these, if doing so would increase the drama.
E-mail marketing
Just as with direct mail, plot-dependent notes could be surrounded with well-targeted e-mail solicitations. Characters could marvel at how well both the ransom notes and the advertising e-mails contain appropriate salutations.
Freestanding inserts
Whenever a newspaper is used to move a plot along via a screaming headline, at least one FSI must fall out. Why shouldn’t overly dramatic moments be lightened by an opportunity to purchase Hummel figurines?
Infomercials
The average American household has a television on for seven hours a day. Many of those hours are filled with long-form infomercials. Writers must adjust characters’ viewing habits to reflect this. However, they should avoid presenting characters as having dozed off in front of them.
Search engine marketing
When a character searches online for information on disarming nuclear warheads, to identify mutant disease strains or locate a key individual, the first search engine result should highlight opportunities to purchase something from Amazon.com.
Telemarketing (inbound)
Powerless cell phones have become a standard dramatic device. In order to justify the frequency with which cell-phone batteries die, writers should show characters using their mobile phones to place many, many orders via inbound telemarketing
Network
