You’re reading right: The word is

YOU’RE READING RIGHT: The word is “snile,” my invented word for the combination of smile and sneer.

We seem to be getting a lot of sniles in the mail and online these days. It’s the marriage of “Lucky you” and “Who, me?”…liberally doused with caveat emptor (just in case: “Let the buyer beware”).

I’ve reached the point of looking for a catch. Usually it’s there. By not being disappointed because I’ve found duplicity, I save myself the disappointment of falling for duplicity.

Here’s an offer for “The Card That’s Miles Above The Rest.” Suspicion is implicit, because the heading is caps and l.c. (a great way to keep score!). OK, in what way is this card miles above the rest? A grid compares it with American Airlines’ AAdvantage, Delta’s SkyMiles and United’s Mileage Plus First programs. Looks pretty good, even with the mice-type warning, “Capital One has the right to change or cancel this MilesOne program at any time.” So why is my ESP bristling?

Well, here’s one hidden gem: I can’t combine these frequent flyer miles with any others. So if I want a free round-trip economy ticket to Asia, I have to spend $75,000 with this credit card to get 75,000 miles. But hold it: There’s a monthly limit on the number of miles, and every mile expires in five years. And if the published rate is higher than $1,500, these miles don’t qualify. For that matter, the basic pitch – “a free round-trip coach ticket to anywhere within a zone superscript *” for 18,000 miles – applies only if the published fare is $360 or less. Even without that accursed asterisk, I’m wondering about paying an annual fee for this card. Oh…here’s an explanation: “Complete information on this MilesOne program will be sent to you after your account is opened.” Gee, thanks. Who can resist this sniling offer?

A communication that sniles even wider is a fax – a fax, damn it – that’s one of the contemporary descendants of those fake Wall Street Journal pages with a stick-on note saying, “Herschell, this will interest you. J.” This fax is a fake bylined news story headed, “Homeowners Beware – `Wow! Was I being ripped off!'”

The subhead says a local lender “reveals how to save thousands on Mortgage and Credit Card interest charges.” Handwritten in the margin is “Thought you might find this interesting,” with illegible initials. The pitch is, on analysis, funny, winding up: “As a very experienced financial analyst, I give this service my highest recommendation.” Y’know, I have to tip my hat to this promotion, because it almost smacks of integrity. Just the last two words of this supposed news story, “Call Now!” tosses it back into the Snile Pit.

An Internet provider sent me a check for $3.50. I admit, I’m intrigued by the amount. And I could see the sender sniling as he/she/it structured the legend on the back of the check: “Endorsement and deposit constitute agreement of desire to utilize service and agreement pursuant to terms attached. NOTICE: Payee agrees to terms of $29.95 monthly, due and payable in advance.” Snile when you say that, podner. Anyway, I have a personal vow to avoid doing business with anybody who uses the word utilize.

Moving on into the sniling labyrinth, I have a “Voucher Certificate” for $41,750. Now that’s more like it, and it brings a snile to my face. It’s a loan offer, with a lovely asterisk that says “Actual loan amount may vary. See reverse for details.” Well, of course: “This offer is contingent upon receiving a valid first or second lien on your owner-occupied, one-to-four-family residence or condominium….” Sigh. Let a snile be your umbrella.

Lisa von Freiberg of Omaha Steaks sent me a dilly of a sniling message from Who’s Who in Canine America Ltd. The envelope says, “Your Dog Has Been Awarded An Honor Money Can’t Buy.” Aside from the caps/l.c. giveaway, the concept boggles the mind.

Here is “an honor offered to less than 1% of all dogs and their owners in America.” No charge for inclusion, but a copy of this strange and exotic volume is $49.95. How did they get their mailing list? Lisa guesses that her vet would be sniling at this very moment, except that she has never owned a dog and is, in fact, allergic to them. She’s willing, though, to consider a volume titled “Who’s Who Among Non-Pet Owners.” OK, Rover, Spot and Buster. We’ll include your photograph in this extraordinary use of wood-pulp, gobbling up trees you otherwise might have used for more appropriate purposes. Snile!

PR whiz Grace Cohen sent me a sniler from – who else – American Express, that master of obfuscation and MBA-speak. The envelope says, “Presenting your new monthly statement. It’s simply better.” Yeah, for a team of accountants. Inside is a six-point “Cliff Notes” primer, with callouts directing me to a form that rivals the IRS’ complexity. Some of those callouts can turn a snile into a belly-laugh. Example: “We’ve made it easier to pay your balance, including Sign & Travel charges, in full.” Oh? You’ve made it easier? Does that mean a discount? Or does it mean a uniformed attendant will arrive to pick up the payment?

Hey, here’s an envelope that says, “Automatic insurance protection – paid in full for you.” Sure, why not? Well, by gum, the letter, addressed to my wife and me, begins: “At Washington Mutual, we’re concerned about your financial security. That’s why we’re giving you $1,000 in insurance coverage at no cost to you whatsoever. We pay the premiums – just sign and return the enclosed form.”

What nice guys they are! Now, where’s that enclosed form? Uh-oh. No sniles here. Sure enough, it’s $1,000 in Accidental Death and Dismemberment Insurance. I have the option of buying more, but it doesn’t seem to be mandatory. So what’s to lose, except my question: What’s a legitimate offer doing in the snile-house?

Maybe this: Maybe it’s like Pandora’s Box, where the last factor to escape is Hope. Maybe if enough marketers actually deliver what they promise, sniles will turn into smiles. Grins, even.