My friend Bob Dunhill (of Dunhill International Lists) is sad.
The World Financial Network National Bank wrote him that the “Bank” was “unable to verify information on your application and cannot provide you with a Dutyfree.Com card at this time.” The letter pointed out that the credit bureau “did not make this decision and is unable to provide you with the specific reason(s) why this decision was made.”
Mitigating his sadness over the double inability was the realization that he hadn’t ever applied for this card, whatever it is.
According to Bob Dunhill, who has pocketsful of credit cards, the idea behind the unsolicited mailing is to get the recipient to phone…“for more specific information.”
Less sophisticated individuals might do that and encounter who knows what.
A frightening comment came my way, tying the pseudo-message sent to Bob Dunhill to a broader problem: “Isn’t it both sad and ridiculous that in order to gain attention, we have to send legitimate messages with wording parallel to all those illegitimate messages?”
Sad? Ridiculous? Far worse: It’s an indication that skepticism is close to terminal. In their greed and desperation, many, many marketers are alienating their best targets. They’re actually afraid to formulate a sales letter, a space ad, or an e-mail using straightforward, valid positioning that doesn’t slide into hyperbole, deception, or con.
I have a word for this: poisitioning, the unholy amalgam of positioning and poison.
Just in case you’ve been asleep for the past four or five years, when you awaken you’ll find that society as a whole has slithered deep into the Age of Skepticism. Who’s to blame?
We used to blame television, that great equalizer, for jamming three or four car commercials into a single pod without even quick fade-out/fade-in separations. That procedure helped accelerate the end of innocence, but in no way was the negative effect as profound as the ongoing onslaught we have on our computer screens. In their mad scramble to assemble names they can claim as “opt-ins,” Web marketers stretch and strain and promise and threaten and frighten and cajole, to a point of near-lunacy.
And we, charged with the awesome responsibility of maintaining both marketing ethics and effectiveness, are truly trapped between a rock (our commitment to avoid spam) and a hard place (our commitment to produce results).
Bypassing spam filters is easy enough during these early stages. So OK, we’ve sneaked under the detectors. Big deal. What statesmanship…or, for that matter, what credibility…exists in an e-mail with this wording:
You have been approved.
Cash Grant Amount: $10,000-$5,000,000.
Did You Know?
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Each Year the U.S. Goverment [sic] Gives away BILLIONS in cash grants?
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There are No special requirements to obtain these grants.
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These are Free Cash Grants That you NEVER have to repay!
You Qualify! Click Here Limited Time Offer
Yes, the presentation is disgusting, with its senseless intermixture of initial caps and its wild promise. But for disgust, as Al Jolson used to say, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet. The unwary naïf who does “click here” is treated to an offer of a “Grant Program” for $49.99. Of course: Those who can least afford it and are most susceptible to desperation claims are the targets.
I admire, in a perverse way, the gall behind a variation on this theme. Do you know Tom Bell? Neither do I. That’s the stage-setter for an e-mail headed, “Only you HERSCHELL, only you.:)”
What, no comma after “you”? Gee, what a surprise. Now, the opening:
Hi HERSCHELL. It’s Tom.
You’re in for a treat, HERSCHELL.
I’ve collected thousands of sources that need to give away money in the form of Grants for one of two reasons:
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They’re forced to by congress.
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If they don’t give millions away, they’ll pay BILLIONS in taxes.
Kind of puts you in the “driver’s seat” for a change, huh, HERSCHELL?
While chuckling over the difference between congress and Congress, we have to pay homage to anybody who has had the time and resources to collect thousands of sources that need to give away money. Heck, I’d settle for collecting one or two, including a couple of guys who owe me money.
Oh, then there’s the e-mail using the innocuous spam-filter bypass subject line, “re: dinner tonight?” Clever.
The message, typical of these deals, is aimed low, beginning:
Dear Friends & Future Millionaires:
You and I would click out, recognizing the pitch. Those who least can afford it glue themselves to the pitch with the mucilage of wild hope. They read:
BE A MILLIONAIRE LIKE OTHERS WITHIN A YEAR!!!
And how do they become millionaires? By ordering five Reports for $5 each, through what is obviously (to us) a chain letter scheme. Yup — a little more poison in the poisitioning.
One more, while my intestines still are boiling red:
Here’s a flat “Congratulations!” And why am I being congratulated? Because they have a free PDA for me. Yeah, sure.
OK, I click and get…“We’re giving you the PDA because we want you to try AHA Free for 30 Days. AHA was established in 1994 to help homeowners and aspiring homeowners just like you stretch your budget through the Power of Many.”
And what is AHA? I guessed the vernacular “Gotcha!” interpretation — “Aha!” Nah. It’s The American Homeowners Association. In exchange for some murky semi-benefits, I pay $6.95 shipping…and can’t find out what the total cost is until and unless I reveal a bunch of personal information. It’s $99 a year. For all I know, that may not be a bad deal, but it’s worded and presented in a deliberately obfuscatory manner. That’s poisitioning.
See the problem? Wheat and chaff are intermixed, and the mixture can hardly result in an edible loaf. Unlike the communication to Bob Dunhill, I did make this decision and hope I’ve been able to provide you with the reason(s) why this decision was made.
Maybe I should “poisition” myself as a career e-mailer.
HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS is the principal of Lewis Enterprises in Fort Lauderdale, FL. He consults with and writes direct response copy for clients worldwide. Among his 26 books are “Marketing Mayhem” and “Effective E-mail Marketing.”
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