Unlike most New Year’s resolutions, which require a personal commitment of resolve and discipline, for 2003 most of my goals are attainable only with the help of the direct marketing community.
I resolve to retire the phrase “may I speak to your supervisor.” I will be able to do so because front-line employees will have been empowered to take care of my needs on the spot.
I resolve to stop writing columns chastising the airlines, because at the rate they’re going we’re all going to be taking the bus or walking.
I resolve to stop worrying about the new government Total Information Awareness program, which supposedly will collect credit card, telephone and online information about every American citizen in an effort to thwart terrorism. I will do this by realizing that this is the same government that keeps sending me mail addressed to “Miss Richard H. Levey.”
I resolve to cherish “hold” music, since customer support will improve to a point that I rarely hear it.
Since consumer spending, which has been keeping the economy going, is flagging, I resolve to find out how to characterize milk, bread and toilet paper as business expenses, thereby stimulating corporate sector spending. Hey, if these sorts of accounting shenanigans were good enough for Enron, they’re good enough for me.
I resolve to bring myself to a level of financial solvency so that someone would actually want to steal my identity.
I resolve to buy a wastepaper basket shredder for my home, so I can shred documents that would allow miscreants to steal my identity. I will also urge all of my readers to do the same.
I resolve to stop chewing on pens. This is the 21st Century, and I should be chewing on a Palm Pilot stylus.
And yes, I will lose 15 pounds.
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