Loose Cannon: Google Knows Best
News item: Google AdWords is testing Automatic Matching, a feature that expands the roster of pay-per-click search terms marketers use to drive traffic to their Web sites. Automatic Matching does this without first contacting the marketer. According to Google, Automatic Matching provides relevant results to Web surfers, but critics claim the new feature enables Google to snatch up every last cent of clients’ preset monthly search marketing budgets. Google says marketers have the right to opt out of Automatic Matching.
February 6, 2008
To the Google AdWords Team:
Recently, I asked Google to help build traffic to my automobile dealership Web site as we prepared to showcase the 2009 Lamborghini Corpus Delicti.
I wanted my showroom to be listed among the search results for the following terms: “lamborghini”; “corpus”; “delicti”; “corpus delicti”; “italian car”; “sports car”; and “mimram’s finest lamborghinis of mineola”. (All right, that last one was more of a vanity request than a serious need.) I posted $500 to my Google AdWords account to cover clicks on these words for the month of January.
I’ve just reviewed my January search query statement from Google AdWords. I seem to have had several key words I did not ask for charged against my account. While you did serve up $349.77 in clicks against my selected words, you seem to have added a few more not of my choosing. As a result, I am showing a zero balance for February, not the $150.23 I am due.
Please correct this by crediting my account immediately, and resume sending search traffic my way based on the search terms I have selected.
Patrick Mimram
Mimram’s Finest Lamborghinis
Mineola, NY
February 10, 2008
Dear Mr. Mimram:
Thank you for your well-meaning yet uninformed letter of Feb. 6. Unfortunately, the search terms that you selected on your own were not performing up to the level Google AdWords felt was appropriate for your Lamborghinis. Therefore, as a value-added service, we sought to increase traffic to your site through the judicious use of search terms our algorithms determined would have a more beneficial effect.
As you yourself noted, we have been successful in doing so, as evidenced by the clicks to your site resulting from our selections. Further, I note that some of our search terms led to more clicks than your self-admitted vanity term “mimram’s finest lamborghinis of mineola.”
We are providing this service without any additional compensation, I might add.
Try to be a little grateful.
On a personal note, let me say that a number of janitors and receptionists here at Google who took advantage of our employee stock plan when we went public in 2004 are huge fans of your cars and own several of them.
We’re Google. We know search.
Garry I. Plarneybergs
Associate Director of Search Algorithms
Google AdWords
February 12, 2008
Dear Mr. Plarneybergs:
You make an intriguing, yet ultimately empty, argument.
If I place an order with my grocer, and he throws in, unsolicited, a bouquet of cauliflower because he feels I haven’t been getting enough roughage, I’ll be appreciative of his concern. And then I’ll send the cauliflower back to him, because I do not like cauliflower, did not order cauliflower, and do not want to pay for cauliflower.
Your AdWords suggestions are the cauliflower in my search engine marketing grocery basket. They offer me no nutritional value, take up bulk, and drain my wallet. Please note that last point refutes the argument you made that these suggestions are done “without any additional compensation.”
It’s true that some of your suggested terms did outdraw my vanity listing. Specifically, “monster truck rally”; “reelect mccain 2012”; “reelect obama 2012”; and “britney speares custody battle” all racked up more clicks.
That said, monster truck rally enthusiasts may test drive Lamborghinis, but they rarely purchase them. People so forward-looking as to be worrying about the outcome of the 2012 presidential sweepstakes aren’t likely to purchase a vehicle within the next six months, and therefore are of little value to me. And consumers who follow celebrity custody battles are rarely behind the wheels of Lamborghinis unless they are stealing them.
I will take your advice and drop “mimram’s finest lamborghinis of mineola” from my requested terms. In return, I ask that you honor my list – and only my list – of the other terms I want.
Patrick Mimram
Mimram’s Finest Lamborghinis
Mineola, NY
P.S. My 12-year-old daughter informs me that you didn’t even spell “spears” correctly. What the hell is wrong with you people?
February 15, 2008
Dear Mr. Mimram:
Not to put too fine a point on it, but if Google rounded up every algorithm specialist we employ, we could fill the audience sections of all three theaters at the Mountain View Center for the Performing Arts. How many algorithm scientists does Mimram’s Finest Lamborghinis employ?
Right. Not even enough to fill a phone booth.
If you don’t like the way Google operates, take your search business somewhere else. Do you think you can find other search companies which, like Google, command more than 50% of the search engine market? Perhaps one of your algorithm scientists can explain to you why this is mathematically impossible.
Finally, I might point out that the misspelling of Britney Spears’ last name was intentional. With your paltry budget you could not have afforded the hits resulting from the correct spelling. Trust me on this.
We’re Google. We know search. You don’t. Pay us and shut up.
Garry I. Plarneybergs
Associate Director of Search Algorithms
Google AdWords
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