News item: The latest online scam is an email allegedly from a hired killer contracted to murder the recipient. According to the message, the killer has had second thoughts, and is willing to forego the swift completion of his appointed rounds — for a price.

The text of the letter, per computer security firm SophosLabs, follows:

Good day,

I want you to read this message very carefully, and keep the secret with you till further notice. You have no need of knowing who i am, where am from, till i make out a space for us to see, i have being paid $50,000 in advance to terminate you with some reasons listed to me by my employers, its one i believe you call a friend, i have followed you closely for one week and three days now and have seen that you are innocent of the accusation, Do not contact the police or F.B.I. or try to send a copy of this to them, because if you do i will know, and might be pushed to do what i have been paid to do, beside, this is the first time I turned out to be a betrayer in my job.

Now, listen, i will arrange for us to see face to face but before that i need the amount of $80,000.00 and you will have nothing to be afraid of. I will be coming to see you in your office or home determine where you wish we meet, do not set any camera to cover us or set up any tape to record our conversation, my employer is in my control now, You will need to pay $20,000 to the account i will provide for you, before we will set our first meeting, after you have make the first advance payment to the account, i will give you the tape that contains his request for me to terminate you, which will be enough evidence for you to take him to court (if you wish to), then the balance will be paid later.

You don’t need my phone contact for now till am assured you are ready to comply good.

Lucky You.

It’s an interesting conceit, but one wonders what a direct mail specialist could have done with this letter. Wonder no more: FBI files of an investigation into the e-mail yield a transcript of a talk between a copywriter and the e-mail’s author. Unfortunately, due to the placement of the listening devices, only the copywriter’s side of the conversation was recorded.

* * * * *

“Now I’m not trying to tell you your business — don’t tell me how to do mine. I write direct marketing copy, you shoot people with your gun. Everybody has a specialty.

“Was that a truck backfiring? Oh. Another satisfied customer, eh?

“All right, let’s get down to brass tacks. First, I love your basic letter. Love it. Gives your solicitation a nice, folksy, homemade feel. People respond to that these days. All I’m suggesting is that you build on it. Get people involved. Give ’em a payoff. Tell ’em for every grammar mistake they can find, you’ll rake a thousand bucks off your price.

“Hey, you want ’em to read your letter closely? That’ll keep their noses glued to the screen. Trust me, you won’t lose too much. Nobody knows grammar these days.

“Second, we gotta introduce you to the joys of segmenting. Eighty thousand dollars? What kind of prospect list you working from that everyone on it has eighty thousand dollars to send to a stranger? ‘Cause if you’ve really got such a list, you should drop this shooting gig and make your fortune renting that puppy. Hell, I’ll be your first customer.

“I’m guessing you don’t, though, and that’s where the wonder of segmenting comes in. We’ll append a little wealth data to your prospect list and presto — you’ll know who should get hit up for the full amount, and who should be offered the AAA and AARP discount rates.

“Whaddaya mean, you don’t do discounts? You expect me to believe that you charge a 30-year-old prospect the same as a 70 year old not to whack ’em? I mean, given life expectancy, that 30-year-old is getting a hell of a deal!

“Awww, don’t take that tone. I got a mother, too, and she ain’t no spring chicken. If some stranger offered not to whack her for $80,000 without at least a little off, she’d have to think longer than Jack Benny would.

“Never mind who Jack Benny is. He’s no longer a candidate for your services.

“Another thing: Ya gotta be clearer with your “respond by” date. You say you’ve been following them for ten days — so now what? You’re gonna keep after them for another month while they make up their minds whether to respond? You’ve got the fish on the line, baby — now reel it in, reel it in fast.

“Finally, we gotta talk about your salutation. “Good day”? What are you, a James Bond villain? Customization is where it’s at these days, especially for services as personal as yours. Greet your target by name. Tell ’em in the body of the letter you know where they live — this is simple, mail merge stuff. Let ’em know if they don’t comply with your demands, they’ll never see their kids again — and then list their kids by name.

“Trust me, people eat that kinda thing up.

“You’re sticking with the original? You’re not taking any of my advice? Hey, it’s your funeral.

“No, no, it’s just a figure of speech. You go ahead and do what you want.”

To respond to this column, please contact [email protected]

News item: The latest online scam is an email allegedly from a hired killer contracted to murder the recipient. According to the message, the killer has had second thoughts, and is willing to forego the swift completion of his appointed rounds — for a price.

The text of the letter, per computer security firm SophosLabs, follows:

Good day,

I want you to read this message very carefully, and keep the secret with you till further notice. You have no need of knowing who i am, where am from, till i make out a space for us to see, i have being paid $50,000 in advance to terminate you with some reasons listed to me by my employers, its one i believe you call a friend, i have followed you closely for one week and three days now and have seen that you are innocent of the accusation, Do not contact the police or F.B.I. or try to send a copy of this to them, because if you do i will know, and might be pushed to do what i have been paid to do, beside, this is the first time I turned out to be a betrayer in my job.

Now, listen, i will arrange for us to see face to face but before that i need the amount of $80,000.00 and you will have nothing to be afraid of. I will be coming to see you in your office or home determine where you wish we meet, do not set any camera to cover us or set up any tape to record our conversation, my employer is in my control now, You will need to pay $20,000 to the account i will provide for you, before we will set our first meeting, after you have make the first advance payment to the account, i will give you the tape that contains his request for me to terminate you, which will be enough evidence for you to take him to court (if you wish to), then the balance will be paid later.

You don’t need my phone contact for now till am assured you are ready to comply good.

Lucky You.

It’s an interesting conceit, but one wonders what a direct mail specialist could have done with this letter. Wonder no more: FBI files of an investigation into the e-mail yield a transcript of a talk between a copywriter and the e-mail’s author. Unfortunately, due to the placement of the listening devices, only the copywriter’s side of the conversation was recorded.

* * * * *

“Now I’m not trying to tell you your business — don’t tell me how to do mine. I write direct marketing copy, you shoot people with your gun. Everybody has a specialty.

“Was that a truck backfiring? Oh. Another satisfied customer, eh?

“All right, let’s get down to brass tacks. First, I love your basic letter. Love it. Gives your solicitation a nice, folksy, homemade feel. People respond to that these days. All I’m suggesting is that you build on it. Get people involved. Give ’em a payoff. Tell ’em for every grammar mistake they can find, you’ll rake a thousand bucks off your price.

“Hey, you want ’em to read your letter closely? That’ll keep their noses glued to the screen. Trust me, you won’t lose too much. Nobody knows grammar these days.

“Second, we gotta introduce you to the joys of segmenting. Eighty thousand dollars? What kind of prospect list you working from that everyone on it has eighty thousand dollars to send to a stranger? ‘Cause if you’ve really got such a list, you should drop this shooting gig and make your fortune renting that puppy. Hell, I’ll be your first customer.

“I’m guessing you don’t, though, and that’s where the wonder of segmenting comes in. We’ll append a little wealth data to your prospect list and presto — you’ll know who should get hit up for the full amount, and who should be offered the AAA and AARP discount rates.

“Whaddaya mean, you don’t do discounts? You expect me to believe that you charge a 30-year-old prospect the same as a 70 year old not to whack ’em? I mean, given life expectancy, that 30-year-old is getting a hell of a deal!

“Awww, don’t take that tone. I got a mother, too, and she ain’t no spring chicken. If some stranger offered not to whack her for $80,000 without at least a little off, she’d have to think longer than Jack Benny would.

“Never mind who Jack Benny is. He’s no longer a candidate for your services.

“Another thing: Ya gotta be clearer with your “respond by” date. You say you’ve been following them for ten days — so now what? You’re gonna keep after them for another month while they make up their minds whether to respond? You’ve got the fish on the line, baby — now reel it in, reel it in fast.

“Finally, we gotta talk about your salutation. “Good day”? What are you, a James Bond villain? Customization is where it’s at these days, especially for services as personal as yours. Greet your target by name. Tell ’em in the body of the letter you know where they live — this is simple, mail merge stuff. Let ’em know if they don’t comply with your demands, they’ll never see their kids again — and then list their kids by name.

“Trust me, people eat that kinda thing up.

“You’re sticking with the original? You’re not taking any of my advice? Hey, it’s your funeral.

“No, no, it’s just a figure of speech. You go ahead and do what you want.”

To respond to this column, please contact [email protected]