If I found you a way out, would you even follow? Thank you, Hagai, for accepting whatever it is I write and whatever it is I have to say. I appreciate that you won’t accept cuss words or blatant sexual references, but in times of extreme cunningness or slight oversight, I can slip a little sugar by you. I hope that won’t make you read closer. You urged me to get anything I could muster on the ole wordpad, because maybe I need to de-hump myself. I’ve been a humped bastard. A numbling, bumbling, fumbling narrator that cannot narrate nor write. I’ve been too disgruntled and distraught by the time the AM sets in that all I can do is lock and unlock doors. Lock and unlock doors, but the hallways always look the same. Or am I just remembering them the same? You and your famed technology. Keep it. I still can’t get cellular phone reception in my home, and I can’t get it in the home where I am moving either. I’m still a numblefest from this morning’s cavity filling, and when the drill hit it hurt and smoked worse than it did a decade ago. Mobile devices have shrunk down to the size of a midget’s winkie, and yet a rudimentary drill is still employed when fixing my friekin’ tooth. I can’t say I’ve always loved myself all the time, but I’m beginning to fall asleep with spiteful apathy.
Aha! Just woke up. Feeling much better now, now with my dual moves underway. Vendare is moving, Vendare is moving, we’ll be at the beach with volleyball chicks and skater punks and surfer hunks. Hotter CPA’s and CanspamTuna of the sea. And we won’t even kill any dolphins before we serve it up with a warm side of list management and some chilled caffeine for dessert. Coffee of the iced variety, then I take the ice and throw it at heads of those who sell suppression files as “fresh co-reg data.” You can get in a lot of trouble for that, so start being a good boy or else I might have to get mean.
I was going to start a third paragraph, but I broke my hump to get two out, so I guess I’ll just stop here. Then again, I didn’t stop “there.” Squeezed out a couple more sentences for ya. Hagai, it’s getting close to that time where you find someone else. I know we’ve been together for a while now, and you’re really a special person. It’s not you, really. But you have ad space you need to fill, and in the last three weeks I gave you nothing, nothing, and two paragraphs about being numb, followed by a third about the first two and their numb nature. Sponsors will begin to pull their advertisements, and readers will flee. It can happen. Quickly. No more numbness. We need to start feeling again.
Feel this. You will. Start over. Now look down and bring your fingertips together oh so slightly, so that only the dead skin cells on the very top layer of your epidermis touch. Now smile. But I didn’t have to tell you that. You were already smiling, weren’t you? Now you are.
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