I

We’ve Joined the Seminar-of-the-Week Club

BUSINESSES ARE LAYING OFF EMPLOYEES BY THE THOUSANDS. But one industry appears to be thriving, feeding on those of us who still are standing.

Seminars and workshops are blossoming like weeds. Every week, it seems, somebody is holding a professional seminar. About 135% of these claim to transmit expertise either for exploiting the Web or for interpreting customer relationship management. Of the rest, 120% tell us how to force either our employees or our bosses to perform. That leaves an unmeasurable fragment that actually include useful information.

Understand, please: I’m not anti-seminar. What the heck, all somebody has to do is whistle and I’m there for a speech or a workshop. But the idea-garage is so full of seminar vehicles they’re piling up on top of one another.

It isn’t surprising that most professional seminars trying to recruit us are Web-oriented. That’s where the glamour is. I just wonder who attends these things, since everybody I know, including 8-year-olds, is an expert. Claiming Internet expertise is one of our more popular hobbies these days.

In a single issue of a trade magazine are announcements of five

CRM By the Pound

CRM is hot. Everybody is claiming expertise. Maybe that’s why everybody is selling a CRM method to everybody else.

Have you noticed how many software programs exist? How many of the dozens and dozens of CRM seminars you can attend? (Ha! Wait until next month’s

Lawyers on Skateboards

If one word describes about half the output of conventional advertising agencies and their witless clients, that word would be: Duh.

An absolute indication of marketer moronity is a

Let’s All Yell “Important!”

HOW MANY MAILINGS, how many e-mails have come to you lately, stained with the sweat of desperation?

When the brain shrivels, when imagination shrinks, when creativity flies out of the idea-nest leaving it empty, or — may the Lord help our benighted profession — when a dilettante or an amateur is let loose at the keyboard, logic gives way to panic.

The result: The word “Important” (usually followed by at least one exclamation point) grunts and heaves, its perpetrator hoping whoever sees the message won’t recognize it as a muscleless shuffle of uninspired desperation.

Only after the annoyance of opening two phony “Important” mailings on the same day did I decide to plead with the noteworthy readers of this publication to please, please not join the rank ranks of not worthy marketers who have driven “Important” from the field of dreams.

So can we make this covenant? For the next two mailings, the next two e-mails, the next two space ads and the next two broadcast commercials over which you have any control, suppress the mindless urge to slap on an “Important!” label. Just two. That’ll help you kick the habit.

A sampler of what is setting off this tirade:

Here’s an envelope: “IMPORTANT DOCUMENTS ENCLOSED.” OK, how important? Wow, a Capital One Visa card with 0% “intro” APR. Of course, the importance is dulled a bit because although I’m “pre-selected”… and this is an “invitation,” although an enclosure “invites” me to apply (ugh!) online…they ask for a ton of personal information and somehow forget to tell me when the “intro” period ends and the APR goes up to 19.8%.

Watching bananas change color is more important than that.

Another envelope says, “Please open immediately.” Through the glassine window, on a fake-check background, all caps: “IMPORTANT INFORMATION ENCLOSED.” Let’s see how important it is.

Oh, I can’t contain my excitement! “FREE MINUTES are just the beginning of AT&T’s investment in your satisfaction.” Nope. They’re not the beginning. They’re the end, not only because of this tortured syntax and because the letter begins, “True satisfaction is about the people in your life.” It’s because, of all the choices this creative team (a euphemism) had to generate response, it settled for the tired old “Important” scam — a lie.

Speaking of “IMPORTANT INFORMATION ENCLOSED,” my broker sent me a letter with those words on the envelope. What’s inside? An AT&T newsletter to shareholders. At least the other two had a first class presort imprint. This “important” trivia is standard bulk stuff. Sigh.

Hmmm, what’s with AT&T? Here’s a two-color custom-converted 6-inch-by-9-inch envelope with “IMPORTANT NEWS THAT’S BEEN PREPARED ESPECIALLY FOR YOU.” What’s the important news? An invitation to visit the Web site, suggestions for safety while using my AT&T cell phone, and the boast, “We’re Making a Difference in Your Community.”

Three suggestions, AT&T and anyone else who subscribes to this thoughtless ploy: 1) If you want to suggest importance, don’t overproduce the envelope; 2) use a bulk mail stamp, not bulk mail indicia; 3) for clichés such as “We’re making a difference in your community,” don’t use initial caps. Oh, a fourth suggestion: Since both you and I know the truth about this mailing, why not substitute “Useful” for “Important”?

Here’s a giant envelope, bigger than a No. 11, from AARP. Brilliant envelope copy: “IMPORTANT INFORMATION ENCLOSED.” I wonder who was clever enough to think that one up. They sent me two of these, which suggests it might be important to clean up their list.

What’s important? A suggested switch to AARP auto insurance. What’s funny is the statement that Florida drivers over age 50 are good drivers and deserve lower rates. Come on, fellows, have you ever driven behind (or worse, alongside) some of those superannuated reflexless drivers down here? And anyway, if I want to read something important I’ll look in the obituary column for today’s list of safe senior drivers.

Moving up in size to a 9-inch-by-12-inch Kraft jumbo envelope, here’s an “IMPORTANT COMPLIANCE QUESTIONNAIRE” from HRdirect. The questionnaire is the voice of doom, with “Federal regulations mandate that you…,” “The law also requires that you…” and “Your state may require that…” The “questions” all ask whether I’m “in compliance.” Clever stuff. But is the questionnaire important? I’d have opened the valves of the mighty Wurlitzer on this one, with copy such as “You can be operating illegally…and not even know it,” plus a rubber stamp with just two words: “Questionnaire enclosed.” Why? Because as professional as this mailing is, “Important” and “Questionnaire” are out of sync with each other.

Oh, they’re all over the place. I have an “Important Message Inside” from RetailTech (sorry, it isn’t important), an “IMPORTANT NOTICE. DO NOT DISCARD” from PC Week (sorry, it isn’t important), and “IMPORTANT AUDIT MATERIAL” from Mobile Computing & Communications (do I get that magazine?). None of these has the wallop of my favorite, a space ad with a huge “IMPORTANT NOTICE” reversed across the top. The subhead: “Beware of Bargain Air Duct Cleaners.”

I promise to beware, not only of bargain air duct cleaners but of all those horses’ necks out there who think self-importance substitutes for the genuine article. And that’s as important a statement as I can make today.

HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS is the principal of Lewis Enterprises in Fort Lauderdale, FL. He consults with and writes direct response copy for clients worldwide. Among his 24 books is a new edition of “On the Art of Writing Copy.”

Before ‘CRM,’ We Had Rapport

What a kinder, gentler time we had before we started labeling our obvious business procedures.

Remember when, as though the concept hadn’t ever occurred to anyone before, the big advertising agencies came up with a term — Integrated Marketing? Gee, what a novel idea — offering both conventional advertising and direct marketing in the same shop!

So these agencies either bought or started a direct division that was supposed to work in concert with the established 15 percenters. The only problem was, the shotgun marriage degenerated into two armed camps: Get off my turf.

Meanwhile, the agencies that already had an integrated approach — geared to the clients’ marketing goals regardless of media billing — continued their merry and effective way without bothering to announce the “Integrated” notion. They didn’t need the terminology. And that could be a historic key. (Note, please: It’s “a historic,” not “an historic,” poseurs to the contrary as they consult “an history book.”)

Then in came the next appropriation by the labelers — Database. If ever an effective, active procedure gave way to a compendium of mechanical listings, this was (and is) it. Lacking a personal relationship with customers and clients, businesses began to substitute the collection of data. Data. Data. The database says this guy buys vitamin E. So let’s pitch vitamin E. The database says this gal buys pantyhose. So let’s pitch pantyhose. What? He also buys anything and everything related to the prostate, but not from us? What? She also buys sports attire? How is our database supposed to store information we haven’t entered?

See the trend? As the gap between seller and sellee widens, the relationship becomes mechanized, computerized and standardized. Data doesn’t lie, but it reflects the cold, impersonal collection procedure rather than a penetrating look into individuals’ actual buying patterns. Technicians and marketing-unconscious executives start to replace intimacy with technology… and wonder why “market share” (another precious term) shrinks.

A savage opinion: The marketing philosophy of marketing companies should be driven by marketers. We’re seeing an invasion of non-marketers. They’re administrators. And what’s the difference? It’s the difference in ability to establish rapport…as often as not because they don’t consider rapport a valuable component of customer relationships.

So now we have CRM. Okay, great — let’s “manage” customer relationships. A potential customer phones an online vendor of high-priced furniture. On hold, she’s forced to listen to heavy metal rock music. Nice job of customer relationship management. Oh, that’s a different department? Then how about EIM — Employee Idiocy Management?

An “arm’s-length” approach to CRM has become epidemic, led by marketers who certainly have the staff and the capability of implementing CRM programs that at least begin to approximate a personal relationship.

Example: Neiman-Marcus, who used to be the bellwether of managed relationships, sent a Valentine e-mail to its InCircle members, the elite of their customer base. This is how it begins (no personalization):

This Valentine’s Day, shop in the name of love at neimanmarcus.com. From romantic to whimsical, practical to just plain fun, we have gift ideas to dazzle anyone on your list, in a range of prices.

A Valassis freestanding insert has a greater sense of customer relationship management than this coolly efficient message, which follows the opening with a list of floral possibilities. No recognition of InCircle, no “because you’re you,” not a shred of rapport. The writer obviously is somebody in the advertising department who, undoubtedly under instruction, wrote an e-mail ad. CRM? What’s that? Whatever it is, it isn’t our department.

Following suit, American Express Platinum Card increased the damage it already had given Platinum’s image by a heavy card recruitment campaign that obliterated the concept that this card is one to be sought after. AmEx’s e-mail to Platinum Card members destroys CRM even as it claims it, by dealing in plurals:

Dear Platinum Card^(R) and Centurion^(sm) Card members: As an Event Net enrollee, you will periodically receive e-mail updates about important American Express services and special offers which we believe would be beneficial to you. If you would like more information on how to set your e-mail preferences, please refer to the bottom of this text message. The following events will be on sale through By Invitation Only^(R) by calling 1-800-321-RSVP (8am-11pm ET). Attention handheld device users, you can now download the latest By Invitation Only events to your handheld device via AvantGo^(TM) free interactive service. Visit http://tm0.com/americanexpress/sbct.cgi?s=12071463&i=294843&d=932834 and click on the handheld icon for more information.

Gee, who can resist such a warm and personal greeting, especially when AmEx so graciously calls us an “enrollee”? A reasonably bright high school student could craft a more inviting and certainly more personal “invitation.”

These are just two examples of the widening seller/sellee gap even as vendors lay claim to the term “CRM.” So the obvious charge to marketers who sincerely want to pet and stroke their customers, who want those customers to feel chosen and appreciated, and who regard the initials CRM as more than a journal entry: Forget that MBA approach to your painfully acquired customer list and turn the communications job over to…well…to a communicator.

HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS (www.herschellgordonlewis.com) is the principal of Lewis Enterprises in Fort Lauderdale, FL. He consults with and writes direct response copy for clients worldwide. He is the author of 24 books, including the recently published new edition of “On the Art of Writing Copy.”

From Here to Obscurity

Matched with three-point type, the asterisk is a cancer that destroys the credibility of ads

THE ASTERISK, that accursed punctuation mark, is flourishing again like a weed in a petunia patch. Perfectly matched to three-point type, it’s a cancer growing