JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT television was the stupidest medium there is, something on the Internet knocks that idea right out of your head.
Renowned primarily as the ex-husband of Rosanne – rather than for his consummate skills as a comic actor – Tom Arnold has somehow talked his way into becoming the star of his very own Web site (www.marrytom.com).
“That’s right! Tom Arnold is searching for a bride. You could be the lucky lady,” declares the home page copy, next to a photo of Arnold, sporting a devil-may-care smirk.
Arnold’s requirements for his potential bride are that she:
– Has to like him.
– Is an adult single woman of child-bearing age.
– Is willing to relocate.
– Has some goal, even if it’s being a wife and mother.
– Is self-confident enough to wear a bathing suit on the beach.
The applicant must send a photograph, but c’mon. Rosanne was no great catch in some people’s book, but with requirements this broad (no pun intended), nearly every woman in the U.S. between 15 and 45 would be eligible to marry Tom Arnold. And that, it turns out, is the point.
Right below the application form that asks merely for her name, age, address and e-mail address, is another form for Internet service provider DSL Advantages, which asks questions such as: “How would you rate your ISP’s reliability?” and suggests that the visitor “click here for information on DSL Advantages.”
Despite the disclaimer “Believe it or not, Tom Arnold is really seeking another mate,” DSL would clearly love to hear from nearly every woman in the United States to sell her Internet access.
Arnold may not find a bride with this ploy. But he has succeeded in upstaging even the most embarrassing DM pitchman of the moment: William Shatner’s shameless shilling for Priceline .com is nothing compared with Arnold’s oh-so-compatible marriage of self-promotion and greed at any cost.
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