Spring cleaning time — emptying the dregs from the Cynicism-Builder Collection.
For starters, a suggestion to publications whose subscription promotions run on tired, rusty tracks: Throw away the template that has every consumer and business publication subscription or renewal mailing looking as though the same creative hamburger grinder churned them out. For Condé Nast Traveler: “Annual cover price this, your trade discount that, you pay only…”; for Business Week: “Annual cover price this, professional savings that, you pay only…”; for Reader’s Digest: “Retail price this, you save that, your revised rate…”; for Vanity Fair: “Cover price this, you save that, you pay…”; for Daily Business Review: “Annual cover price this, your savings that, your professional rate….” You get the idea.
While I’m blustering over automaton-written renewals, I certainly can’t ignore boilerplate telemarketing that begins with one of the Great Lies of our time: “This is not a sales call.”
And while I’m thinking of hamburger, somebody should grind up whoever decided to tie apprentices working at Burger King to Donald Trump. That drags product placement down to an even lower point than most of us thought possible. Then, for Burger King to advertise its steak burgers “As seen on ‘The Apprentice’”…well, no, thanks. I don’t want my burger cooked by an overeager apprentice.
You’d think with all the existing and pending legislation, e-marketers would wise up. Renting opt-in lists is safe, but their use is so inundated with supposedly free deals (that on close examination half-reveal what’s under the seventh veil — your gateway to a free meal at Burger King is a continuity program) — or the “offer” is so removed from the list source the “Delete” key never looked so appetizing. A tip for anyone who wants to be considered an e-mail marketing professional: Use “You must…” in an unsolicited message and you’re off the team.
Worse than unsolicited e-mail is an unsolicited fax from CWL, whatever that is, offering Ricoh copiers. “To remove your fax number from our database, please call 1 800 597 8991.” OK, call. Bing bong bing: “We’re sorry. Your call cannot be completed as dialed.” Aaargh.
Laugh time:
I really get a “Yuk!” out of the newest version of the United Parcel Service envelope. No, it isn’t the foggy slogan, “Synchronizing the world of commerce.”
Oh, no, it’s much more worthy of a Yuk than that. It’s the slavish determination to use the “®” symbol wherever possible, whether such overkill makes sense or not. Here’s the phone number — 1-800-PICK-UPS®. Since no other user can possibly swipe that phone number, what’s the point of paying somebody to get a registration symbol for the number?
But the cream of the jest is the Web address — UPS.com®. Try typing that one for a guaranteed “Site not found.” The UPS paranoia extends to UPS Next Day Air®…UPS Worldwide Express®…UPS 2nd Day Air®. I don’t have a UPS Ground envelope handy, but I certainly would guess the ®-mania extends deep into that sector.
Obviously I’m missing something because FedEx has the same infection. The phone number is 1.800.Go.FedEx®. That’s printed on a Jiffy®TuffGard® mailer, and I can’t blame FedEx for that because Jiffy® isn’t their proprietary subsidiary. And I have to salute FedEx for adopting the 21st century use of periods instead of hyphens between the numbers.
(What’s wrong with DHL, the brawny new kid on the block? Their number, 1-800-Call DHL, sits there naked and unadorned.)
I don’t want you to conclude that competing delivery services also are the only competitors battling over who best misuses registration symbols. Here’s Continental Airlines® and Northwest Airlines®. Lucky for them they picked up those symbols or we’d be up to our eyeballs with airlines calling themselves Continental or Northwest. Delta doesn’t seem to have caught on to the importance of this add-on (for that matter, Delta doesn’t seem to have caught on to the importance of running an airline), and US Airways changes its name and its financial situation so often the folks in Washington would be kept busy adapting to the latest version.
A sincere marketing question to struggling airlines, supercilious hotels and imagination-starved sloganeers: When establishing image, is declarative or imperative better? Declarative is less likely to raise hackles, but imperatives always have been the weapons spurring people to action. In the brutally competitive demand for attention, imperatives seem to be gaining dominance.
Among the imperative sloganeers, Continental Airlines seems to be the master combiner of arrogance and imaginative sterility. Slogan: “Work Hard. Fly Right.®” Close behind is Sabre Travel Network with “GetThere®.” Compare the muscle, if not the imagination, with such mildness as Skyteam’s “Caring more about you™” or even the uneven imperative from the Hyatt Regency, “FEEL THE HYATT TOUCH®.” (I’m using the capitalization and pushed-together words in sync with the originals.) For some insane reason, Citi has spent money for a service mark to protect “Thank you.” Maybe it’s the unusual punctuation rather than the uniquely creative thought, which obviously no business organization ever has thought to use before.
Now, don’t you feel better about those days when you thought you were losing it?
Let’s close with a typical bit of “Guarantee” cynicism: I bought a Sentry car charger for my Motorola phone. Cost: $3.99. The card in the blister pack tells me: “Any defective product will be replaced at no charge”…plus “a $5.00 shipping and handling fee.”
HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS (www.herschellgordonlewis.com) is the principal of Lewis Enterprises in Fort Lauderdale, FL. He consults with and writes direct response copy for clients worldwide. Scheduled for spring publication is his 28th book, curmudgeonly titled “Asinine Advertising.” Among his other books are “On the Art of Writing Copy” (third edition), “Marketing Mayhem” and “Effective E-mail Marketing.”
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