IN A WIDE-RANGING keynote address at the recent Catalog Conference in Chicago, Dave Barry for the most part talked about anything but catalogs.
And that was just fine by me-and the rest of the audience, for that matter.
Instead of confining himself to the world of direct marketing and such (how banal), the author and Miami Herald humor columnist touched upon many subjects of vital interest. These included how parents should use embarrassment as a weapon when trying to discipline their children (he once picked up his teenage son at school in the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile); the difficulties of turning 50 (the now 51-year-old Barry received a letter from AARP-“the association of people standing in line in front of you asking if they get a discount”); and the disposal of dead whale carcasses (dynamite is not a good idea).
But just because he chooses not to prattle on about the intricacies of DM doesn’t mean he doesn’t understand our industry. For example, I overheard him telling a fan who thanked him for a postcard reply to a letter she’d sent that he tries to answer all his mail from readers-a sign he knows the importance of relationship building and good customer service.
Barry said that his job description as a columnist is basically sitting at home in his underwear and making things up. While I aspire to this sort of career path (although, truthfully, I’d prefer to wear an old bathrobe), I decided to go against his advice and actually interview him for this column.
I joined the throng of admirers waiting to talk with Dave (I call him Dave now-we’re close) and restrained myself from a “Wayne’s World”-like impulse to fall to the floor and chant “I’m not worthy, I’m not worthy.”
He quickly proved his DM savvy by noting that he buys all his computer equipment direct, and regularly sends gifts from catalogs like Harry & David.
“I’m definitely a supporter of the catalog industry,” he said.
One of Barry’s most popular columns is his annual holiday gift guide, where he showcases some of the more unusual items available. The best items, he believes, usually come from catalogs.
One year, he told DIRECT, the gift guide featured a hunting catalog’s “duck butts,” which are bottoms-up decoys used by hunters.
“They sold out and had to go back into production,” he said, adding that the photo accompanying the story showed the butts floating in a punch bowl.
“They had to run a disclaimer saying that if you float them in a punch bowl you shouldn’t drink the punch because the paint might come off,” he said. “You have to wonder about someone who would drink punch that had duck butts floating in it.”
After his keynote introduction Barry said that “many of you know me better as ‘current resident.'”
Barry mentioned during his speech that he’d learned a lot about life from catalogs, especially the Sears underwear catalog. He revealed that as a curious young man, he’d look at the pages of smiling women standing around in their underwear, which were of course followed by pages of smiling men standing around in their underwear.
“This led me to wonder…what kind of a place is Sears?” he said.
Other highlights of the Catalog Conference included the three W’s:
* Wind! The day before the show, a minor twister reportedly tore off a small section of the McCormick Place Hyatt’s roof, causing at least one exhibitor to relocate its suites. I knew there was a reason I stayed downtown, and it wasn’t ’cause I dig riding shuttle buses.
* Web! Were there any exhibitors who weren’t plugging something e-related? If there were, that would’ve been news. Every other person we talked to seemed to claim they had the solution to catalogers’ online marketing needs. With all the options, attendees had something else to be confused about, besides finding their way to their next session.
* Water! Forget pens, chocolate golf balls and even stylin’ baseball caps (our sister magazine Catalog Age’s giveaway of choice). Liter for liter, for this reporter, bottled water is the most appreciated freebie when roaming the exhibit hall floor.
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