The Dark Side of Ingenuity

SOME MARKETERS’ SENSE OF SALESMANSHIP SAILS OVER THE TOP, INTO A DARK AND IMPENETRABLE NEVER-NEVER LAND THEY PLOW WITH INGENIOUS, ON-THE-EDGE-OF REALITY WORDING.

The assumption that those who see or hear these ads are naive and will accept claims rimming the borderline of truth is a technique that precedes Biblical days. The question on the table — for thousands of years — has been: “Is a marketing ploy that adds to response from some and adds to cynicism from others a valid marketing technique?”

Valid? Sure. Ethical? Ethics may not apply in the constantly competitive struggle for a) attention and b) desire. That’s sad, that’s regrettable, and that’s the nature of the marketplace.

What brought this to mind is an ad in metropolitan papers so clever…and so on the edge of misstatement…it brought the ancient struggle between salesmanship and ethics into sharper focus.

Nothing major here. The main heading: “Americans Clamor for New Reagan Dime.” (I guess I’ve been locked indoors, because I missed all the clamor. Must have been in the next block.)

The text continues, “Americans from all over the country are besieging their Congressmen and Senators with demands to dump the Roosevelt dime and replace him with the image of President Reagan.” I can see the mobs storming the capital gates, with extra gendarmes called out: “Help! These Reagan-dime demanders are threatening to spend every dime they already have to defeat those insensitive representatives who refuse to make Ronald Reagan the Woolworth poster boy!”

What pikers we Americans are. The dime-reform movement could have demanded a half dollar. Oh, I see — that would mean using more silver. Got it.

Here’s where logic has to take a back seat to fantasy. If Americans are besieging their congressmen and senators with this trivia instead of Iraq and overspending and lobbyists, they’d better anticipate having not much more than a dime.

These are “Proofs” in “.999 Fine Silver” for $10 + $3.95 postage and handling or “24kt Gold over Pure Silver” for $14.95 + $3.95 p&h. After pointing out scarcity — “Limited to Only 950 Per State” (hardly fair to California and New York, which have many times the population of Nevada…but then, these are “blue” states) — the ad then points out quantity: “Full rolls (25 proofs) — $99 + $6.95 p&h” for silver, another 50 bucks for gold plate.

All right, let’s see: 950 per state means they’re minting 47,500 fake dimes. Or maybe we should call them “dime-ettes.” And out of a burst of patriotism or chauvinism or, to use that comfortable old American morality — greed — they may include Puerto Rico and the District of Columbia, which pushes the dime explosion close to 50,000. That’s still scarcer than the Susan B. Anthony dollar coin, and a pocketful takes up so little space it would be obscene not to have at least half a dozen to flash at a puzzled bus driver.

Confidence boils from the pitch: “A complete sellout is certain.” Then a statement some direct marketers would question: “Due To Anticipated Public Response You Are Urged to CALL TOLL FREE (24 Hours a Day).” Of course I question the plethora of initial caps, but that takes second place to a question of logic: If a complete sellout is certain, why spend money for 24-hour phone service?

The ad says, proudly: “The Washington Monetary Authority is Officially Recognized by State and Federal Governments as an Independent Corporation under U.S. Law.” Now, by gum, if that ain’t Official Recognition, with upper-case reinforcement, then what is? The ad did forget to mention another Official Recognition by State and Federal Governments: They recognize June 16, 2006 as an official Friday and Idaho as an official state.

I guess that shows where Reagan stands in the pecking order: Thomas Jefferson is only worth a nickel. But hold it! Here’s a full page in a Sunday supplement. (I hope they bought it as a remnant.) Jefferson strikes back:

“‘They’re practically clawing each other’s eyes out to get these Jefferson Nickels.’

“‘So says Timothy Miltonhall, Chief of Coin Operations.’” The ad points out that a full roll of uncirculated Buffalo nickels from the first year of issue is now worth “up to” $26,000. Yeah, and an original Gutenberg Bible is worth $5 million, but I wouldn’t count on the official Gideon Bible in my hotel room drawer or the Jefferson nickel in my pants pocket attracting such an exalted investment.

Would I hire whoever created those ads? Yes. Would I monitor closely those writers’ output? Yes.

OK, next: Would I hire whoever created a “Survey” whose jumbo-size envelope yells, “Congratulations”? Probably not. I’m being congratulated for having been “selected” to “Participate In Our Nationwide Survey.” I’m to get three “Thank You” Participation Gifts.

Fair enough. Right. Gift No. 1 is a $50 Thank You Gift Card. The only drawback in using it is that applies only to a Select Comfort bedding purchase of $100 or more.

Gift No. 2 is information about “The Right Pillow.” Wow, what a gift! And Gift No. 3 is a DVD, pitching the bed. So my question is: Are any of these worthy of “Congratulations”? How about giving me a buck for my worthy opinion? I’d rather have a dollar than congratulations, and even that lengthy J.D. Power survey includes a dollar bill.

(Our bed actually is a Select Comfort bed, and it’s far and away the most comfortable one we’ve ever had. Does a company that manufactures so superior a product need to sink into the “Free gifts, but they’re all for our own benefit” morass?)

Last one for this issue is also the funniest example of the dark side of ingenuity. It’s a mailing from United American Insurance Co. Accompanying a brochure headed “Driving down the cost of health services” is a letter addressed to “Dear Policyholder.” It begins, “Your UA Partners program had a face-lift!”

What’s the face-lift? The Travel Assist service “has been removed from the program.” Oh, thank you, thank you, for being so thoughtful and eliminating a benefit. Yeah, that’s trimming off ugly fat…and replacing it with scar tissue. Thanks for the face-lift, United American, and may you never stick us with benefit liposuction.

HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS (www.herschellgordonlewis.com) is the principal of Lewis Enterprises in Fort Lauderdale, FL. He consults with and writes direct response copy for clients worldwide. “Burnt Offerings,” his 30th book, explores DR fundraising techniques and will be published later this year. Among his other books are “Open Me Now,” the curmudgeonly titled “Asinine Advertising,” and “On the Art of Writing Copy” (third edition).