*Single white soon-to-no-longer-be-single female seeks some guidance on this whole personal ads concept
It dawned on me recently that we’re all part of a really neat industry – a people’s industry, if you will.
We’ll take in the tired, the poor, the lonely…direct marketing is a game anyone can join in, at some level.
And no, I’m not talking about online opportunities like eBay, although the Internet could be a part of this discussion. I’m talking about good old-fashioned print personal ads.
While waiting for a flight at LaGuardia recently, I flipped through a copy of New York magazine, and took a gander at the copywriting efforts of the tri-state area’s romantic hopefuls.
I have nothing against the concept – hey, if I wasn’t blissfully attached, I might place one myself. I know of one friend who met his mate through a personal ad, while another hooked up with her spouse through an online chat room. So the non-face-to-face approach can work.
Diamond Dogs
But as I read through the ads, I wondered if there was really truth in advertising here. If a guy is really a wealthy, handsome, athletic CEO, would he really need to place an ad? (Maybe if he’s painfully shy.) And by putting “wealthy” in your description, wouldn’t you just be encouraging gold diggers, not the best of prospects for a long-term union?
But I guess embellishment has always been a part of DM copy. I mean, c’mon John Caples: Did they really all laugh when you sat down at the piano? Wasn’t it just a couple of them, sniggering quietly?
One can only guess at how the advertisers judge their return on investment for these spots. I’m guessing the average ad of this sort in New York (owned by DIRECT’s parent company, Primedia) runs about $450 or so. Would it be appropriate to calculate the number of responses divided by the number of successful dates netted from said ad? And how would you rate a successful date? If it led to a second outing? Marriage? Children? Children who didn’t move back in with you after college?
Personality Crisis
Of course, New York’s classified pages also offered a plethora of DM opportunities for those interested in something less than a lifetime commitment. Respondents to these ads, I’m sure, get a much quicker ROI. But I’m skeptical as to how truthful the listings under the “role playing” and “massage” categories are. For example, I visited the Web site of one outfit called New York Dolls. This was a complete scam; not one of these women looked anything like David Johansen.
(OK, before anyone complains…no, that was not an obscure Gen-X reference. Just for all the boomers out there, that was an obscure early-1970s glam rock reference.)
But to wander back to the topic at hand…wrapped around the looking-for-real-love personals are a whole lot of DM “self-help” ads. If someone had the time, money and inclination they could get, from a variety of sources, breast augmentation (and don’t forget enhancement!), liposuction, porcelain veneers, “microdermabrasion” and even a vasectomy in less time than it takes to get a haircut.
(Personally, the last one isn’t something I’d rush through. But hey, I’m a chick. What do I know?)
Avalon
Maybe I’m reading too much into things for the sake of filling white space, but to me the juxtaposition of the ads has a paradise-at-all-costs feel to it. Can’t find anyone to be happy with you? Then you should be unhappy with yourself! Time to make a change, and get bigger, smaller, shinier…whatever you’re not.
This isn’t restricted to people looking for love; those who have found it face the same temptations. Flip through a bridal magazine and you’re likely to find ads for weight-loss programs, a subtle hint to slim down before walking down the aisle.
But regardless of whether they use direct marketing to do a full body overhaul – and I really hope they don’t – I’m pulling for the guys and gals who had the guts to pour their hearts and dreams out in print. Maybe marriages that began with a 10-line classified – complete with phone and mailbox numbers and sometimes even e-mail addresses – will lead to the birth of a whole new generation of DM geniuses.
It’s a lovely thought, one I think should be memorialized on a sampler, or at least a bumper sticker: The children of tomorrow – prospected with care, conceived with love.
Network
