Smirking Back at Advertising You-phemisms
I was chuckling over the typical ad for the 2005 Dodge Dakota — “The only V8 truck under $20,000”…then, under the photo, “As shown, $30,360.”
Recognizing that mild tarradiddles such as this are no surprise, I moved on to an ad for the PennyTalk calling card: “Call anywhere in the U.S. for 1¢ a minute.” OK, where’s the rest of it? Ah, in a separate tiny copy block. What a surprise: a 49-cent connection fee and a monthly charge. A penny saved isn’t a penny earned these days.
Some wording has become so commonplace no interpretation is necessary. But a short primer may jog your own memory. A few euphemisms everybody will recognize: vintage: old
pre-owned: used
seniors: old people
revenue enhancement: tax
beauty aid: cosmetic
But wait, there’s more. How about all those others that slip by unnoticed? They deserve some exposure too.
So, as a public service to Direct readers who may not have a Domestic Language Translator at hand, here are some clarifications of common terms:
You’ve been pre-approved = Fill out this two-page application.
Cost recovery fee = Why should we pay for our costs when you’re out there?
Void where prohibited = I guess my dog can make a mess on your lawn.
I don’t recall = I don’t want to recall.
Save up to $10,000 = With luck, you won’t have to pay more than sticker price.
Annual fee waived for first year = Just you wait until next year.
Free gift just for letting us show you the benefits = Prepare to waste the day for a high-pressure pitch.
(Radio spot for Levitra) Individual results may vary = Oh, nuts.
Limited warranty = You aren’t covered.
World-famous = More than six Google references.
It’s not about the money = It’s about the money.
Do you want fries with that? = I supervised the Enron account.
Best-seller = Basement full of books.
Left to pursue other ventures = Fired.
Thumbs up = Middle finger is broken.
Found objects = Other people’s junk.
Not for everyone (information) = Dull.
Not for everyone (price) = Overpriced.
Not for everyone (gourmet) = Abominable taste.
High-spirited = Undisciplined.
Not sold in stores = No store wants it.
We care = We want your money.
New and improved = Prior version didn’t work.
It doesn’t work = I don’t know how to use it.
That’s worthy of study = I can’t make up my mind.
That’s an interesting concept = Your idea stinks.
Fascinating! = I don’t have a clue what you mean.
For the sophisticated palate = Tastes awful.
With a few exceptions = We’re lying.
We’ll take your concept under advisement = Fuggedaboudit.
Decorator-ready = Bare concrete.
Sea view = Look from a stepladder atop your roof.
I’m going to quit smoking = I’m hopelessly hooked.
Compassionate conservatism = Dictatorship.
As much as = Lotsa luck if you believe that.
Your partner in… = You pay. We’ll take credit for it.
Trust me = Barnum was right.
User-friendly = Stephen Hawking managed the basics in two days.
Specially selected group = We couldn’t sell these.
Lock in this great rate = Rates are about to change for the worse for you.
We’re streamlining to serve you better = The overhead is killing us.
Only 10 at this price = We ordered 10 and we’re stuck with them.
Prices subject to change = Prices will go up.
The hiring of a lawyer is an important decision that should not be based solely on advertisements = Hire our law firm.
Your private coupon code = Same code for everybody.
Pending federal approval = Not a chance in hell.
Lose 30 pounds of ugly fat = We’ll cut off your leg.
What your broker won’t tell you = We’ll say anything to get your business.
250,000 unique visitors = 25 people in our office clicked in and out 10,000 times each and now are hospitalized for wrist surgery.
One size fits all = The damned thing fits nobody.
See store for details = So many exceptions that if we listed them you’d never show up.
Your wife deserves more = Introduce your wife to another guy.
But wait, there’s more = We’ve increased the price to include this so you’ll think this is an extra.
Preferred rate savings voucher = We’ve blown this card into every copy of the magazine.
So simple a child can operate it = If you’re over age 12 you’ll never be able to make it work.
Expert bond investment counseling = We need those sales commissions.
When you want the very best = It’s overpriced.
Are you sure? = Bulls — t.
In the spirit of these disclaimers, one of my own: These are just a basic Starter Kit. Check the files of what you have contributed…and add a bit more bulk to the pile.
Now don’t you feel better, having this little translating dictionary of marketing synonyms handy? After all, you never know when you’ll encounter a used car salesman, a self-announced discounter or a desperate direct marketer.
HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS (www.herschellgordonlewis.com) is the principal of Lewis Enterprises in Fort Lauderdale, FL. He consults with and writes direct response copy for clients worldwide. Among his 27 books are “On the Art of Writing Copy” (third edition), “Marketing Mayhem” and “Effective E-mail Marketing.”
