Sure, everyone hears about the best promotions. The best promotion of the year, the 100 best promotions of all time, I believe there’s even an award for the Best-FSI-for-an-Interactive-Cause-Related-Promotion-of-the-Week.
But ever since that day in 1529 when renegade Catholic priest Martin Luther came up with the infamous Save Your Soul, Win Cash Prizes! sweepstakes and ushered in the age of promotions, for every Super Reggie-worthy brainstorm there have been a million-and-one truly rancid promo ideas.
Ideas so fetid that they never saw the client’s conference room light of day, concepts so heinously sorry that in most instances there is no documentation of their having ever existed except for a few details passed on by terminally ill promo men on their deathbeds. Through my network of underground promotion agency operatives, I have been able to unearth five of these forgotten marketing foibles.
So, without further ado, here are some of the worst promotion ideas of all time, including many disturbing details that the Promotion Marketing Association’s own Secret Circle of the Illuminati have been trying to keep from you, the hard-working promo warrior!
1969. Old Royals Cigarettes Hook ’em While They’re Young Coloring Contest. A 20-pack of filterless crayons, a disposable “parent-proof” lighter, and a coloring book page featuring “Puff,” Old Royal’s ubiquitous cartoon mascot, were to come packaged in a realistic-looking Old Royals box and placed in candy racks in convenience stores throughout the U.S. in this almost-proposed concept.
1992. Chemical Bank’s Rob Us Blind Deposit Slip Instant-Win Promotion. This stillborn concept featured promotional deposit slips in branches with the words “This is a Stick Up” printed on the back. When handed over to bank tellers who knew nothing about the promotion, customers were supposed to have been able to win all the dough the teller could fork over before an alarm sounded. There was even talk of partnering with Ford for a Getaway Car Sweepstakes overlay!
1993. Moxie’s It’s A Focus Group Summer! One of the most senile under-the-cap promotions never done was to be for this once famous soft drink’s relaunch. Grand prize would be a trip to Connecticut to sit in a promotion agency’s conference room for the entire summer and “rap” to perky agency types about what Moxie’s can colors mean to you. Inspired by what a creative director perceived to be an “amazingly positive response by focus group participants to the free soda and potato chips served during focus group sessions!”
1954. Studebaker’s Trunk Full O’ Gin Giveaway. A last-ditch effort by the now defunct automaker to increase sales was this canine of a concept. Dealers were to load the trunks of sedans bought during this promotion with crushed ice and 10 large bottles of domestic gin. Studebaker was fought tooth and nail every step of the way by a then brand-new organization, Grandmothers Against Drunk Driving. The only fatality of this clunker of a promotion was the car manufacturer itself.
1971. Wetson’s We Burn Your Fries Guarantee. To compete with the better loved french fries at other fast food restaurants, Wetson’s promotions agency at the time, Big Marketers Consortium, was toying with presenting their client this half-baked concept to hawk their old fries: buy a large order of french fries, if they’re burned you get a second order of burned fries free!
1966. National Color Photo Labs Someday My Prints Will Come Cash Giveaway. The mail-order photo giant was to claim through heavy advertising that a $100 bill was to be inserted into every completed set of prints before being mailed back to customers.
The promotional geniuses behind this one strategized that their client not only would never have to insert cash into customers packages but they would not even have to develop any film, either. When consumers never got their prints or their cash, the agency said people would think their mail was stolen due to the high awareness of the promotion.
Many of the people who worked on these never-executed promotions are either dead or working on the client side where they can do less harm. Though it may be difficult to look upon these atrocities of marketing, I still felt it necessary to expose their ugly deeds so that we all may learn from their mistakes.
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