PETA Peeves

Among the industry gossip bandied about during the PROMO Expo conference and exhibition at Chicago’s Navy Pier last month came two reports of the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals’ recent protests against promotions. Both were head-scratchers.

Now I love animals as much as the next guy, and I’ve put life and Honda in peril numerous times to spare the life of a furry friend. But I also love a double cheeseburger as much as the next guy. (If you ask me, that’s why our incisors work and our appendixes don’t.) And I’m not averse to using animals in scientific research that some day may save the life of a child.

If you disagree, more power to you, and I’ll support your right to free speech until the cows come home. I’ll swear off furs right now if PETA wants. (We have enough warm synthetics these days to make their function unnecessary.) I’ll even join its campaign to get Mattel to discontinue Bullfighter Barbie, since that sport does seem to perpetuate an extremely nasty way for a bull to die.

But there’s a big difference between debating real issues – the often cruel and painful ways in which animals are sometimes used in experiments or raised as food, for example – and protesting solely for the sake of having yourself heard. And two causes PETA has recently enjoined seem to be a lot more of the latter than the former:

The organization contacted Northland Cranberries last year after the company launched a Win a Cow! sweepstakes for a new line of Seneca calcium-infused drinks. Seems PETA was worried the cow in question might fall into the hands of a bovine abuser, and wasn’t as confident as Northland was that the eventual winner would choose the “$10,000 in moolah” option over actually owning a 1,000-pound animal – which is exactly what happened. (Note to the squeamish: Northland didn’t really paint the cow red, either.)

More recently, PETA has been picketing tour stops of that menace to society known as the Wienermobile, which has been so audaciously trumpeting the devolution of innocent livestock into processed sausage products for more than 60 years. Even if we ignore the fact that the Wienermobile raised $500,000 last year for the Second Harvest National Food Bank, isn’t this a bit silly?

If PETA is going to find fault in seemingly harmless promotions, maybe brands should start giving the organization some really objectionable campaigns to sink its teeth into. Here are a few I’d love to see (from brands whose names I’ve changed to protect the innocent).

Scream for Your Supper at the Red Crustacean: Diners who correctly guess the duration of their lobster’s pot-entering wail earn a free turf upgrade to their surf dinner.

Road Master’s Road Kill Guarantee: To support its claim that not even a bull moose can damage the front-end of its new SUV, Road Master promises a new model for anyone who can prove it wrong with supporting pictures. Collateral includes strongly worded warnings that the offer is void if the animal is struck on the side of the road.

The Sturdy Dog Trifecta: Guess which of three retired National Thoroughbred Racing Association purse-winning nags was used to make the one millionth can of Sturdy Dog and win a lifetime supply of pet food.

Graydog’s Circle of Champions: Graydog bus lines buys a stable of greyhounds to be branded with the company logo and raced at dog tracks around the nation. Travelers save their losing tickets for $10 off fares to any city with a track.

Franks “R” Us’s Don’t Be A Wienie: A loyalty program that works in two conflicting ways, and could have PETA-philes wondering which way to go. For every $20 in purchase proofs mailed in by consumers, Franks “R” Us will remove one animal from the slaughterhouse line and send it off to a happy retirement at a petting zoo. Participants get to name the animal they’ve saved, and 10 grand-prize winners in a sweeps overlay spend a weekend helping the creature adjust to its new surroundings.

Now, if you want to talk offensive, let’s discuss PETA’s newest ad campaign (as if its recent Got Prostate Cancer? flight starring an unknowing New York City mayor Rudolph Giuliani weren’t bad enough). Print ads feature a picture of the Shroud of Turin, one of Christianity’s most revered artifacts, accompanied by the tagline, “Make a Lasting Impression – Go Vegetarian.”

PETA justifies using Jesus as its “poster boy” (its words, not mine) because “he is believed to have been a member of a Jewish religious sect that followed a vegetarian diet.”

Maybe. But do you think Jesus would have protested the Wienermobile?