Did you lose out on picking up the perfect gift for that very special direct marketer at the Direct Marketing Association’s silent auction? Fret no longer! Rather than ransack local stores in search of Flip the Bird Elmo, Loose Cannon offers its own DM-related silent auction items.
Lot 1: Telemarketing prospects file
We’re not saying whether these 50,000 consumers run small or home-based businesses, or even if they’re employed at all. We don’t know their ages, the number of people in their household, their incomes or whether they own or rent their homes. We don’t even know if they hold credit cards! But we guarantee that none of the folks in this file have placed their telephone numbers on a state or federal do-not-call list! Yet.
Lot 2: The virtual outsourced call center
Under pressure to demonstrate frugality to shareholders by outsourcing your telephone operations to a low-cost country, but still wanting to hire Americans? Our stable of unemployed actors and actresses will mimic vocal mannerisms and accents from the country of your choice! And with the hourly wages actors expect, nobody ever needs to know that your “Bengali phone workers” are located right in Boise!
Lot 3: Lands’ End returned item grab bag
This company is known for its liberal-to-the-point-of-absurdity returns policy. But there are some returned items it can’t fob off on its employees — even with huge discounts. We’ve assembled a bunch of them just for you! Ignore the scuff marks and they’re worth at least $4,000 — more if your monogram matches!
Lot 4: First six digits of your telephone number embossed on 10,000 matchbooks
Our printing press sets telephone numbers in a font too large to fit on a matchbook. For those whose phone numbers end in a 1, this can be a godsend — when passing ’em out, remember to say: “Add the 1, ’cause we’re number 1 in our field!” For those with numbers ending in 2, say “We’re #2, we strive harder!” For those ending in 0, the catch phrase is “0 my goodness, we’re good!” As for others… (Note: This prize is not suitable for 70% of bidders.)
Lot 5: $250 in gift certificates
We’ve got gift cards from 1,000 catalog/retail outlets in the United States! What better incentive to explore previously unpatronized businesses than through these gift certificates — each in the amount of 25 cents!
Lot 6: Special family outing at Pick ‘N’ Pack Place
At this operations-and-fulfillment-themed amusement park, kids compete to see who can assemble gift baskets fastest. Is your child agile enough to avoid the Heat Sealer of Terror? Strong enough to push a fully laden Pallet o’ Pain from the warehouse to the shipping area? Mentally tough enough to withstand a chewing-out from a line boss when he discovers that a hypoallergenic basket has been mis-filled? Hours of fun for the kiddies — plus 30 minutes for lunch! Please, no union families.
Lot 7: Homemade meal prepared (almost) to your taste
Two direct marketing industry legends, the Caliph of Customization and the Princess of Personalization, will carefully note all culinary requests, dietary restrictions and personal preferences. Ultimately they will serve Italian-style Hamburger Helper — just as they’ve done the last dozen times they’ve offered this “prize.” (To those expecting something a bit more personal, we observe that these folks, who preach the value of tailoring marketing offers to the individual, haven’t changed their stump speech during the last five years.)
Lot 8: O’Malley Cooke Shoplifting Spree
During the past three fiscal quarters, margins within O’Malley Cooke’s catalog and online division have trailed those of its retail operation. To offset this imbalance, O’Malley Cooke’s vice president of direct marketing invites the highest bidder on this lot to decrease retail’s margins by hauling off as much merchandise via five-finger discount from any — or even all! — of the company’s 320 retail outlets. Legal counseling provided for the first 20 arrests!
Lot 9: Autographed baseball photo memorabilia (post-steroid era)
Joe Shlabotnik was the last major league baseball player with a clean steroid record. During his career he went 0-for-14 as a hitter, and he had the fielding range of a safe, but his sample was pure as a mountain stream. Shlabotnik will also throw in a full-color glossy photo of himself in his current uniform, which features the words “Waffle House” embroidered across the front.
Lot 10: Immobilizer reclining chair
A traditional recliner offers comfort so delicious you don’t want to get out of it. The Immobilizer takes this concept to its logical conclusion. It features a pocket for a cordless phone, a tray for a wireless computer keyboard, and state-of-the-art restraints. Strap your prospects securely into one of these and watch DRTV and online sales skyrocket!
RICHARD H. LEVEY ([email protected]) is a senior writer for Direct. His Loose Cannon column appears every Monday on Direct Newsline (www.directmag.com).
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