Two annoyances this month. First: What’s wrong with this guarantee, lifted word for word from a Web site?
“Lose Up To 3-5 lbs a week GUARANTEED or your money back!”
No, it isn’t the repulsive initial caps for “Up To”; it’s the repulsive significance of the words “Up To.” Analyze the wording: “Lose up to 3-5 lbs a week GUARANTEED.” With “up to” in there, you can lose half an ounce and the guarantee qualifies.
It’s just another example of the skepticizing of America. We as marketers wonder why those people out there don’t believe us. Hey, guys, don’t wonder. It’s because we skate on the edge, using words such as “guaranteed” and “free” as weapons rather than legitimate promises.
The fellow who hawks Men’s Wearhouse on television says, “You’re gonna like the way you look. I guarantee it.” Buddy, just how are you going to implement that guarantee, when I’m wearing a Brioni and still think I look like Dennis Franz?
Here’s a standard, from a catalog: “Energy-Saving Light Bulbs with a lifetime guarantee!” I’ve often suggested that “20-year guarantee” has more bite than “lifetime guarantee” not only because of the skepticizing of America but also because specifics outpull generalizations.
Now, let’s suppose an 8-year-old buys these bulbs and lives to age 98. That brings up two questions: Will those bulbs still be burning ninety years later? And will the company still be in business?
An e-mail tells me:
Dear HERSCHELL,
Congratulations! You have been selected to receive a $7500 unsecured Platinum Credit Card from USA Platinum! Your approval is guaranteed*.
http://www.flowgo.com/mb.cfm?l=4052&lkt=1&u=54284313&c=3697&t=2
By now anyone who has seen even one issue of DIRECT is totally aware of my opinion of asterisks. An asterisk tied to a guarantee? Come on.
Actually, this one has some logic to it, although the logic is flawed. When we drift to that formidable URL, here’s the asterisk:
*Guaranteed Qualifications: You must be 18 years old, a U.S. citizen, or permanent resident (excluding Wisconsin) with an active checking account, a monthly household income of $800 or more and no undischarged bankruptcies.
Here are two flaws: 1. Are e-mail lists so loose they can’t even suppress Wisconsin sub-18s who are on the dole, so we could have an asterisk-free guarantee? 2. Doesn’t the very thinness of the exclusions prove the bulk nature of this e-mail?
Another e-mail tells me: “Qualify for at least $25,000 in free grants money — Guaranteed.”
Note the careful wording. What’s guaranteed? Not a grant, but qualifying for a grant, whether I get it or not. The lengthy e-mail tells me the U.S. government is tossing around money (big surprise) to almost anybody who asks for it. How easy can it get? “None of these programs require a credit check, collateral, security deposits or co-signers, you can apply even if you have a bankruptcy or bad credit, it doesn’t matter, you as a tax payer and U.S. citizen are entitled to this money.”
Somebody named Bob Mann says, “I guarantee you will learn to drive like Tiger…putt like Nicklaus…play the game like Ernie Els.” Some guarantee. He probably means Tiger Schwartz and Sam Nicklaus. Ernie Els? Well, I have as many golf clubs as he does, so it’s safe to use his full name. He also says I’ll “overcome first tee jitters.” Hey, Bob, I’m not the one with first tee jitters. It’s my partner.
So what is it? A DVD. Clicking on “100% guarantee of satisfaction” brings the Web visitor to the shopping cart. In fairness, I imagine if we bought the thing and returned it…well, you know.
An e-mail has this subject line: “Guaranteed cash giveaway.” I can win up to $25 million just by clicking — “No purchase necessary.” OK, let’s click. They want some personal information but not a credit card. So it’s an opt-in “blind” that pads their list and opens the door to e-mail offers. Fair enough. They hadn’t guaranteed that the cash giveaway is to me.
If a point exists, it’s that a guarantee comes with many face masks, and whatever is guaranteed is outside a marketing arena in which message recipients can’t — and shouldn’t — expect something for nothing.
On to annoyance No. 2:
Check this first sentence of a letter from Northwest Airlines to my son Bob, the IT genius and InfoWorld columnist:
Dear Mr. Lewis:
Northwest Airlines® is committed to keeping WorldPerks® members “in the know” on great deals and current WorldPerks program news — with NWA E-mail. By learning your particular travel interests when you initially register online, we can send the most meaningful promotions your way, whether it’s information on fare sales, WorldVacations® package discounts, CyberSavers® fares, mileage-earning opportunities or special partner offers.
So Northwest is out to displace American Express as the World Leader(®) in the use of registration symbols. Four in one paragraph! That’s some achievement, especially because it really takes guts to register something as nondescript as “WorldVacations.” To complete the standoffish effect, the letter includes two footnotes, neither of which is necessary. Nice distancing, guys!
So what would we have done? We’d have loaded up the letterhead with those bits so the letter could be clean. That way, too, Northwest could have claimed “This is a Northwest Headerloadup® letter.”
Logical suggestion to an innovative marketer: Lay claim to GuaranteedGuarantee®. That’ll be $25,000, please®.
HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS is the principal of Lewis Enterprises in Fort Lauderdale, FL. He consults with and writes direct response copy for clients worldwide. Among his 26 books are “Marketing Mayhem” and the recently published “Effective E-mail Marketing.”
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