It’s interesting how these makeovers gradually grow and take shape. As I dig into them, I begin to discover how much more needs to be said.
When I started to work on this Computer Associates ad, my first thought was, “Hey, not too bad an ad, really. Just needs to point up a little more clearly that the prospect (a business owner dependent on computer systems) has a serious common problem and CA has a way of dealing with it.”
But as I began to go a little deeper, I found myself asking:
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What is the problem specifically?
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What causes the problem?
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Why is the problem so serious?
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How will Computer Associates help?
And I began to feel that although theirs wasn’t a downright terrible ad, it was just a little too casual, laid back and uninformative.
Let’s start with the headline. Mainstream advertising creatives love the “curiosity” headline, which tries to force the reader to stop and read the ad in order to find out what it’s all about. But most direct marketers believe a good headline should stand alone, the way many newspaper headlines do, giving you a idea in brief of what it’s going to tell you. And grabbing the prospect’s attention with a succinct, powerful statement of the problem and/or the promise.
“SOMEDAY. TOMORROW. EVENTUALLY” doesn’t do that.
OK, let’s grant that it’s a catchy lead-in to the subhead, which does hint at the problem and solution. Problem: Need for business continuance (due to what?). Solution: Start planning (a vague exhortation pointing to the body copy).
It still doesn’t mention “computer.” The only time that word appears in the ad is in the company name.
Let’s face it, this is a purely direct response ad. It has no other purpose than to get readers to respond by going to the Web site and applying for the Vulnerability Assessment Test.
Yet no veteran DM copywriter would write such a feeble headline. Where is the striking problem statement like “Do You Make These Mistakes in English?” — the most re-run headline in advertising history? Where is the dramatic promise like “Now My Friends Listen When I Talk”?
Then all the body copy has to say is, “Nothing gives you more peace of mind than knowing your business is already prepared to handle anything. To find out how ready you are for the future, take our Vulnerability Assessment Test today. It’s the quickest way to put your mind at ease.”
Well, that’s not too bad. It’s a fairly clear statement, although a glaring fault is that it never really says, “We will tell you what to do about your weaknesses once we identify them.”
But think of an ad like this as your one chance as a trial attorney to convince the jury of your client’s virtue with your summation. Wouldn’t you want to say more than this? You’d want to evoke deep feelings in the jurors that favor your case. And you’d want to spell out your case in greater detail, to make it more persuasive.
And the desired action vehicle in the advertisement — the URL — is almost invisible by being displayed in thin white type on a black band.
My makeover’s headline starts with an expression of the common anxiety among business owners: fear of systems breakdown and consequent expensive work stoppage and lost sales.
The subhead holds out a hint of hope: Maybe there’s something you can do about it.
Then the long sub-subhead — what the editors of U.S. News & World Report used to call the “precede” — summarizes the problem and the solution. It will give hasty, hurried readers all the information they need to be motivated to go to the Web site, and other readers an incentive to read the details in the following body copy. Remember the “smorgasbord approach” (give the hungriest prospects everything they want, and the rest will take as little or as much as they need).
My body copy spells out some possible causes of the problem, reminding our “jury” members just how vulnerable their firms are. Then it describes in detail what our solution is, exactly how it works and what they’ll get.
The illustration — the raised sledgehammer in the shattered black square — should be thought of as a copywriter’s crude sketch rather than finished art, given my limited resources. On the other hand, a professional mainstream advertising art director, while providing a slicker piece of art, probably would louse up the rest of the ad design.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I rest my case.
THOMAS L. COLLINS was co-founder and first creative director of Rapp & Collins and is co-author with Stan Rapp of four books onmarketing. He is currently an independent marketing consultant and ad maker in Manhattan.
To send your comments, opinions or suggestions, e-mail me at [email protected]. Or send snail mail to 424 West End Ave., #11-B, New York, NY 10024.
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