Broken News – Pimps Unite!
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Blockbuster, Columbia House and Netflix Merge
In a statement released by the Executive Team at Bertlesman, they feel as if, "we are tapped out- we surrender!" Once I pressed further, they added, "we have simply run out of registration path users." Apparently, Blockbuster feels the same way, raising and then dropping their prices dramatically within the same week. An Executive on the "Total Access" team concurs. "We got Totally Ass-Kicked" by incentivized placements.
Sweet Desserts
Affiliates are clamoring for the newest dating lead gen deal to hit the market. An account executive at a prominent network is quoted as saying, "this is the most bangin’ dating joint since July 2004!!" A new dating lead gen Company is offering a sweeter deal than a $20 True sign-up, actually guaranteeing users they will see their date naked on the first date. They are taking it so far as offering a money-back guarantee if the dater does not see the date-ee in the buff.
Pimps Unite!
Affiliate Summits and Ad:Tech gatherings have often been labeled as "one big party." Those who frequent rented homes by Datran have even deemed these festivities as "Grown-Up Frat Houses." You have the cool cats, the hot chicks, the washed-up, seedy guys in the corner and yes, volumes of "the ole medicine." In a recent development amongst fed-up Affiliate Managers across the major networks, they have joined forces to create their own fraternity. This "Pimp Union" as they are calling it will be "Alpha Male Epsilon." They are banding together, comparing pay stubs and forming their own union whereby employers will be compelled to pay them all a sizable base rate, as well as overtime for late nights at the office and a minimum commission percentage of 5% on all new business they bring. Two affiliate managers in New York, NY have already staged a walk-out when their employer refused to pay the required Union rates.
Click Em If You Got Em
Minutes after the FTC issued a public statement that they would be investigating public conglomerate Valueclick concerning their practices "cheating consumers" with their delicious one-field treats, Valueclick fired back with a mesmerizing response. "The ‘promotional sector’ only comprises 38.999999% of our EBITDA in any given quarter. Our stock is plenty healthy and our pockets plenty fat. Those dog meat bastards at the FTC can go ahead and ban one-fields for all I care." Quote obtained from an extremely reliable source. "We don’t need that vertical for our Company to stay strong." Yes, and the Pope doesn’t need Catholicism, baby birds don’t need nests, and I don’t need a blindfold, rubber sheets, a gag ball and a two-dollar dominatrix with buck teeth…
