Official Word From Hindquarters
WHAT AN HONOR!
And what a powerful medium in which to announce that honor!
Here, in an official Valpak mailing, is an official insert making official the official announcement: a fast-food special from Checkers Drive-In Restaurants has been named — are you ready for this stupendous news — the Official Burger of NASCAR.
Visualize the competitive nature of this selection. A group of NASCAR executives sit at the boardroom table — or better yet, in a pit at Daytona — voting. At each seat, along with a tank of $4-per-gallon gas and a sweaty helmet, are mustard-smeared samples and a formal plea from Burger King (which needs help) and Wendy’s (whose current television commercials are impenetrable) and Subway (whose Web site shows — how can it be? — a Subway-labeled stock race car) and McDonald’s (which insanely abandoned campaigns that actually connected with its loyal gluttons): “Choose me, choose me, I’ll even throw in some iceberg lettuce!”
On a close vote, Checkers becomes the Official Burger. That signal honor may even include landing rights on the drivers’ jackets, assuming 3 square inches are available, scrunched between Busch, Bosch, DuPont and Lay’s (chips, not chippies).
Strangely, the stunning news of the coveted award accompanies a picture not of a burger but of the more prosaic two-for-one Country Chicken Sandwich. Can it be that, flush with this major success, Checkers also is shooting for the title, “Official Country Chicken Sandwich of NASCAR”? Nah. That’s too much to hope for.
This event dwarfs announcements such as the New Jersey Wildcats soccer team naming Savoy’s Restaurant & Boiler Bar the team’s Official Restaurant. It aces the previous spectacular announcement, that the Rockfish Seafood Grill has been named “Official Seafood Grill of the State of Texas,” in an official ceremony set up by one of the most official of Texas officials, State Sen. Jane Nelson. (These appointments to official status are actual. Google doesn’t lie.)
Restaurants aren’t alone. Even the most cursory search divulges a gigantic hidden kingdom of officialdom. Piloti Inc. was selected as the “Official Shoe of Mazda Raceway Laguna Seca.” Papa John’s was named the Official Delivery Pizza for several NCAA sports championships. And in a stunning setback to other contenders whose “Oi!” cry was heard across the globe, PR Newswire was chosen as the Official News Release Service of Kosher World.
You may not have known that Amino Vital® has been named the Official Re-hydration Beverage of Fat Rabbit Racing. Shame on you. Well, now you know. What are you going to do about it?
Exactly.
Does your conclusion parallel mine — that the world has gone mad? What is more ridiculous to the sane mind than a restaurant spending who knows how much of its promotional budget to be named “official” anything? To its credit, Checkers accompanies its revelation with coupons for a Checkerburger® Combo at $2.49 and a Bacon Swiss Buford® Combo for $3.49. Those, I guess, are the officially discounted prices. I don’t know about Papa John’s. They’re probably busy adding some official cheese.
I do know that the ultimate abuse of the once-potent word “official” is about to reassert itself. The Winter Olympic Games are scheduled for Turin, Italy next February. Budweiser already is an “Official Sponsor.” Of what? The suds? That’s just the beginning. An “official” news release states: “Anheuser-Busch has signed a separate agreement with the United States Olympic Committee (USOC) extending Budweiser and Bud Light as the ‘official beer sponsors’ of the U.S. Olympic Team through 2008. The sponsorship will give Budweiser, Bud Light and Michelob ULTRA use of the U.S. Olympic Committee’s USA five-ring logo in all marketing and advertising activities to support Team USA’s efforts at the XX Olympic Winter Games in Torino, Italy, in 2006; the XXIX Olympic Games in Beijing, China, in 2008; and the 2005 and 2007 Pan-American Games. In addition, Anheuser-Busch is the exclusive malt-beverage advertiser for all Olympic Games telecasts in the United States through 2008.”
What greater honor could a brewer have than being named official beer sponsor of the U.S. Olympic Team? Can Guckenheimer’s and Jim Beam be far behind? Maybe PR Newswire should shoot for spiritual if not alcoholic parity by offering official services to the Blue Nun account.
Yeah, Visa is the official Olympic credit card and Allstate is the Official Home and Auto Insurance company and Matsushita is the Official Partner in audio, TV, and video equipment. Johnson & Johnson is the official healthcare products provider, probably distributing all the Band-Aids those ice skaters can handle when they go splat. Comforting.
What’s discomforting is the heavy contribution these “official” sponsors are adding to public skepticism. The entire world, already overexposed to athletes who sport logos on every article of clothing except — or maybe including — their athletic supporters (the ones they wear, not the naifs who pay for autographs), now view officialdom with the same skepticism and disbelief we all have toward pronouncements by the various “official” government agencies.
The season is starting. Many more candidates for officialdom are negotiating for the prized appellation. We can expect dozens more “official” designations. When you notice one, if you really want to bring sanity back to that once “official” word, ignore any sales message including that word. Then send an e-mail to the company officially registering your comment as official. Who knows? Some officials and these official sponsors may be forced to think of a less cynical approach to marketing.
Right. And the sun may rise in the west. Lots of luck…to all of us junior officials.
HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS (www.herschellgordonlewis.com) is the principal of Lewis Enterprises in Fort Lauderdale, FL. He consults with and writes direct response copy for clients worldwide. His most recently published 28th book is the curmudgeonly titled “Asinine Advertising.” Among his other books are “On the Art of Writing Copy” (third edition), “Marketing Mayhem” and “Effective E-mail Marketing.”
