Loose Cannon: Snap, Crackle, Pop-Up Ads

Readers may be aware of GMail, a Google product that would provide e-mail capabilities with enormous storage mail space for users. The catch is that it also includes a program that will scan e-mails and serve up supposedly relevant ads based on their content.

But Google is also testing an instant message chat advertising service. As its name implies, UpsADaisy would serve pop-up enticements based on chat content. The problem, of course, is that these ads will be triggered by machines, which are not known for their sense of linguistic nuance.

I recently tested a beta version of the UpsADaisy program in an online chat with an editor who shall remain nameless, but whose IM handle is BigCheez.

[BigCheez]: How’s the IM column coming?

[DirectWryter]: Slowly. I’m not overly impressed with this service.

[BigCheez]: We’re going to need your copy soon.

[UpsADaisy]: FREE THREE-MONTH SERVICE CONTRACT WITH PURCHASE OF RICOH PHOTOCOPIER.

[DirectWryter]: It’ll happen. Don’t sweat it.

[UpsADaisy]: ARRID XTRA DRY DEODORANT KEEPS YOU EXTRA, EXTRA DRY! $1 OFF YOUR NEXT PURCHASE.

[BigCheez]: Can we get it by Friday afternoon?

[UpsADaisy]: FREE HOT FUDGE SUNDAE WITH ANY ENTRÉE AT T.G.I.FRIDAY’S.

[DirectWryter]: I’ll see what I can do, but I guarantee you you’ll have the column before Monday.

[UpsADaisy]: CDBABY OFFERS “THE FINE ART OF SURFACING” BY THE BOOMTOWN RATS OR THOUSANDS OF OTHER CLASSIC ROCK CDS AT THE LOWEST PRICES ON THE ‘NET!

[BigCheez]: Hey, the magazine just got a $100/week stipend to reward your column. Of course, I’m entitled to a small profit. Your share is going to be three dollars a week – when you get your copy in on time.

[UpsADaisy]: FREE SIX-MONTH SERVICE CONTRACT WITH PURCHASE OF RICOH PHOTOCOPIER.

[DirectWryter]: How nice. And this extra three dollars will enable me to live it up?

[BigCheez]: Well, it’s like Groucho Marx —

[UpsADaisy] IF YOU HAVE WITNESSED OUTSIDE AGITATOR, SUBVERSIVE OR OTHER SUSPICIOUS OR COMMUNIST-INSPIRED ACTIVITY, PLEASE CONTACT YOUR LOCAL FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESITAGTION OFFICE IMMEDIATELY!

[BigCheez]: once said, you many not be able to eat, but you’ll live like a king.

[UpsADaisy]: FEBRUARY IS BLACK HISTORY MONTH. SUPPORT THE UNITED NEGRO COLLEGE FUND. A MIND IS A TERRIBLE THING TO WASTE.

[BigCheez]: But you’re not going to get this bonus unless you start getting your copy in on time.

[UpsADaisy]: FREE 12-MONTH SERVICE CONTRACT WITH PURCHASE OF RICOH PHOTOCOPIER.

[BigCheez]: I gotta say, I’ve been less than impressed with your performance recently.

[UpsADaisy]: NATURAL MALE ENHANCEMENT! DON’T RISK HER BEING ANYTHING LESS THAN FULLY PLEASED EVER AGAIN!

[DirectWryter]: I’m hoping to get inspired pretty soon. Mind hanging out and b.s.—

[UpsADaisy]: EARN A B.S., B.A., OR OTHER DEGREE ONLINE FROM ARKHAM UNIVERSITY.COM! COURSES START TODAY!

[DirectWryter]: –ing with me until inspiration kicks in?

[UpsADaisy]: TICKETS FOR DC UNITED SOCCER ARE NOW AVAILABLE!

[BigCheez]: You think I have time for this?

[UpsADaisy]: TAKES A LICKING AND KEEPS ON TICKING!

[BigCheez]: When am I going to see –

[UpsADaisy]: PEARLE VISION — $20 OFF YOUR NEXT PAIR OF PRESCRIPTION SUNGLASSES!

[BigCheez]: your goddamn

[UpsADaisy]: THANK YOU SAINT JUDE FOR MIRACLES GRANTED. CLICK HERE TO FIND THE HOUSE OF WORSHIP NEAREST YOU.

[BigCheez]: copy?

[UpsADaisy]: FREE RICOH PHOTOCOPIER WITH PURCHASE OF 12-MONTH SERVICE CONTRACT.

[DirectWryter]: I’ll get it to you soon, I promise.

[UpsADaisy]: UNITED PARCEL SERVICE. WE RUN THE TIGHTEST SHIP IN THE SHIPPING BUSINESS.

[UpsADaisy]: PROMISE MARGARINE. IT’S HEART-HEALTHY WITHOUT THE AXEL-GREASE FLAVOR OF THE OTHER LEADING BUTTER SUBSTITUTES.

[UpsADaisy]: EMPLOYEES AREN’T ALL THEY SHOULD BE? RETAIN PRO-TEMPS AND AVOID CONTRETEMPS.

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