Within the first four hours of open registration for the federal do-not-call list, 375,000 people had signed up — a rate of roughly 25 registrations each second. Are telemarketers who specialized in outbound efforts worried?
Consider the private musings of Alexander Graham Larceny, call center owner and patriotic citizen.
“So Mr. and Mrs. American Consumer are signing up for the federal do-not-call list in record numbers. It may be painless now, but they’re going to miss the great public services telemarketing offers.
“For instance, during the June 26 hearing, the Federal Communications Commission made much about the sanctity of the dinner hour. What’s so precious about the dinner hour?
“At my home, dinner with the family consists of Jimbo whining about not having enough time for himself due to soccer practice, and Sarah Lee demanding to know why she can’t have her eyebrows pierced again. And I’ll bet I’m not much different from most Americans. Surely they secretly welcomed the distraction.
“Well, no more. They wanted an uninterrupted dinner with their families? They got it. I hope they enjoy it. But here’s a little secret: Most people’s families are less like Ward and June Cleaver, and more like that family from “Saturday Night Fever” where they were slapping each other, and John Travolta yelped, “Don’t hit my hair. I work hard on my hair and you hit it.”
“Our calls brought the family together. Think about it. The bickering that accompanied most pot roasts before that phone rang was soon displaced by raging about telemarketers. And everyone joined in.
“Still not convinced? Well, why do you think those militia types are viewed as a threat to our nation’s stability? Part of living ‘off the grid’ — that is, outside the reach of most public and private institutions included removing themselves from telemarketing rosters a long time before the FCC’s ruling. As a result, they’ve had no way of blowing off steam, unlike the rest of us, who vent furiously at people who call and try to sell aluminum siding. What’s happening to all that pent-up rancor? It going into subverting the American way of life.
“Because here’s the secret. Outbound telemarketing was originally conceived as an Ad Council-type public service program. Most of the people that call you at home aren’t really interested in selling anything. They’re counselors who are providing therapy under the guise of commercialism. Profits were never part of the original plan.
“But consumers kept buying things, and so we branched out and tried to cover costs through things like financial products and magazine subscriptions. We didn’t want to: It just proved to be so damned lucrative.
“Come Oct. 1, the therapists and counselors that made up most outbound call center employees are going onto the bread lines. That’s 2 million unemployed social workers added to the public dole. You’re going to pay for their benefits, Mr. and Mrs. American Consumer, and there isn’t going to be anyone ringing you at night on whom you can unleash your frustrations.
“Personally, I’m glad the American consumer rose up and let the FCC know how much they hated outbound telemarketing. It was getting too profitable, anyway.”
To respond to the opinions in this column, please contact rlevey@primediabusiness.com
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