Loose Cannon: All I Really Need to Know About CRM I Learned in Kindergarten

Robert Fulghum was right: The essential lessons of life can be gleaned from truths learned in kindergarten. The next few decades of formal education are commentary and algebra.

This was brought home recently when my soon-to-be-former bank (let’s call it “Four Letter Bank”) lost my paycheck, and then proceeded to violate one obvious tenet of customer relationship management after another. I reckon its managers skipped kindergarten — and thus missed the following important lessons.

Lesson One: There’s No Backing Down From A “Double-Dog Dare”

When funds from the paycheck hadn’t shown up in Four Letter Bank’s system after more than a week, I brought the deposit slip to a branch near my office. A customer service rep insisted I take my problem to the branch where I had opened the account, even though I had not lived or worked near that particular branch for more than a decade.

After I squawked, she made a phone call on my behalf — only to find that the one officer who could authorize an investigation was on vacation and nothing could be done for at least two days. She then pleasantly informed me that she had other customers, implying that this wasn’t a priority for her. I then pleasantly informed her that I would be closing the account.

“Yes, I hear that a lot,” she replied.

At that point, no matter how many pleasantries we exchanged, the account was destined for closure. As any kindergartener will tell you, never issue a double-dog-dare unless you are prepared to live with the consequences.

Lesson Two: Don’t Embarrass Your Classmates In Front Of Their Friends

By the time an upper-level manager became involved, I was overdue in paying back a personal loan, nearing the date when I would face a late fee on my rent, and facing having to entertain friends from out of town with little cash in my pocket.

The one saving grace I held on to was that my company wouldn’t have to find out about the incident and think I was a schlemiel.

Well, Four Letter Bank took care of that. Its investigative team could not locate the check, and I had to contact my payroll department, have it stop the first check and send me a second one.

Lesson Three: Saying “Sor-REE” In THAT Tone Is Not An Apology

Fair’s fair: The manager who ultimately took responsibility for my case freely admitted this was the worst lost-check instance he had ever seen. He wiped away the bank overdraft fees, and even eventually credited my account with the full amount before the replacement check arrived (albeit more than two weeks after my initial deposit).

Then he offered to “fetch something for my trouble” and handed me a white baseball cap bearing Four Letter Bank’s name.

Did he really expect me to walk around with Four Letter Bank’s logo on my head? I was sorely tempted to have a “we’ll embroider anything” shop stitch “sucks” next to the bank name and make the hat a permanent part of my wardrobe.

An apology should not include a brand-building effort.

Lesson Four: I Know You Are, But What Am I?

On the morning the replacement check was due to arrive at my office, the bank manager called me to find out how I was doing — and to remind me to bring the new check in immediately, so it could be signed over and Four Letter Bank’s books could balance.

I was tempted — boy, was I tempted — to string them along for the same two-week-plus period they’d inflicted on me, especially as I’d already moved a large chunk of the funds out of the account once it was credited. The only reason I didn’t let them twist is a) the official who would be doing the twisting wasn’t the one who had lost the check and b) I wanted to be done with Four Letter Bank. Which brings me to…

Lesson Five: Play Nice, Or I’m Taking My Ball And Going Home

Through Four Letter Bank, I’d set up several automatic payment processes. Now, such actions should give me a high level of “stickiness” — the hassle involved in re-establishing the account elsewhere should have been enough to deter me from closing it. But as sticky as this glue might be under normal circumstances, the initial rep’s sanguine response of “a lot of people threaten to leave” when I first brought this problem to her proved to be a powerful solvent to this stickiness. I’ve switched to the much more consumer-friendly Commerce Bank.

How much more consumer friendly? Three days after I opened my account, not only did I receive my new checks, but the new bank also sent — under separate cover — a “thank you for banking with us” card in a hand-addressed envelope. Within the next few weeks I’ll be setting up the automatic debit processes through Commerce…

As well as direct payroll deposit. Being a kindergarten graduate has definitely given me some smarts.

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