But Wait, There’s More!

I’M SITTING HERE admiring my new wireless phone, marveling at the advertising minefield I’ve crossed to get here.

The Wall Street Journal says AT&T dominates the wireless (or as we ancients call it, cellular) business. OK, AT&T, I’ve switched to you.

But it wasn’t easy. Oh, dumping my toy Motorola StarTac was easy enough. Being able to hide that phone in a shirt pocket was a mixed blessing, especially since most of my shirts don’t have pockets. I was always misplacing the thing, and the “provider” didn’t provide much long distance or roaming service beyond the next block.

Still, penetrating the offers from various competitors…well, it’s like having half a dozen Toyota dealers side by side.

For example, in one day’s newspaper were ads from four wireless providers. One offered 100 “Anytime MinutesSM” for $39.99 a month, with free long distance to anywhere in Florida, free voice mail and caller ID, and free first minute of airtime on every call received. But wait, there’s more! They throw in a $25 service credit on most rate plans and a car power charger.

So why didn’t I consider this deal? First of all, the pomposity of that “SM” symbol turned me off. Second, as I recall, the United States has several other states besides Florida. And third, what I’m not including in this description is enough mice-type disclaimers to feed a colony of rodents well past the millennium. And, oh…I find that company’s television spots sophomoric.

In that same newspaper was an ad from my current carrier. The heading: “A cellular offer to get pumped about.” It proposed the curious premium of “$60 in free gas when you buy and activate a cellular phone.” But I was annoyed that the basic offer-$22.50 a month, which included 450 Anytime Minutes (hey, wait a minute, didn’t the other company service-mark that cliche?)-was a better deal than they’d given me, a loyal sucker.

But wait, there’s more! That 450-minute deal had a double dagger after it. Oops! I shouldn’t have dug out the mice type on this one. After three months it’s $45, not $22.50, and time over 450 minutes is 35 cents a minute. And there’s a $1.24 monthly charge for any month “in which a call originated from a cell phone is terminated through the landline network,” whatever the hell that means.

Auf Wiedersehen.

Believe it or not, the third newspaper ad was from the same company. This one had at the top a huge black rectangle into which four clover-like ovals were carved, eachwith the word “Send” reversed in green. The main heading: “Register to win a trip for two to Ireland, courtesy of Motorola.**”

What was peculiar here was that the offer-$22.50 a month for 450 Anytime Minutes, with an accursed asterisk pointing out that after three months it’s $45, plus all the extra add-on charges-was identical. But wait, there’s more!

Well, not much more. The note by the double asterisk says “No purchase necessary.” It doesn’t give any details at all, so I’d have to visit one of the stores listed in the ad to register, to find out how long the trip is and to have a smirking clerk answer my question, “Is this first class or economy class?” with a knowing “What makes you think you’re going to win?” Here’s an ad that raises more questions than it answers.

The fourth ad shows two interlocking hands, one of which is holding a phone. The heading: it’s for you

digital. wireless. samsung.

This lowercase fetish represents an art director who doesn’t care who’s out there. And why no period after “it’s for you”? So I was turned off by the artifice. And I can’t generate a partial recovery with “But wait, there’s more!” because there wasn’t any more. No offer. Just the arrogant “for the location nearest you, please call 1 800 480 4PCS.” Whee! Uppercase for “PCS.” What havoc that must have wreaked in the art department!

I said those four ads appeared on the same day. But the flood continued.

Other days brought other offers. Here’s one touting $29.99 per month for 120 minutes of calling time, plus “No long distance & no roaming charges on calls made from anywhere within our nationwide network.” But wait, there’s more! I get a $30 rebate on the phone and “300 Bonus Anytime, Anywhere Minutes.” Interesting!

Oh, one question: How extensive is your network, buster? If coverage is national, I’d suggest you say so, because your competitors consistently debunk your ability to make that claim. Still, I felt this deal was the most valid I’d seen, until I saw the last line of asterisked copy, 6-point lightface type reversed: “Some restrictions apply.” Darn!

Then there was the ad whose headline had me nodding in agreement: “It’s a Circus Out There! Let us make sense of the wireless circus for you.” The ad was a catchall. Digital phones starting at 1 cents*”…”You pay only $22.50* per month for first 3 mo.”…”no activation fee.”

And, of course-but wait, there’s more! A clever offer: Convert your own phone to that company “and we’ll pay you $50.**” And “Plus…no activation fee!**” A symphony of asterisks. That second one was a real bear: “**Waived activation fee requires 24 mo. agreement. Certain restrictions apply. Subject to credit approval, cancellation and activation fees. A connection charge of $1.24 blah blah blah.” And nestled in this ridiculous collection of asterisks was a dagger whose antecedent I couldn’t find. Just as well: “Price does not include taxes, long distance, roaming or universal service fee.” Gee, I feel like Macbeth: “Is this a dagger which I see before me…?” In other words, forget it.

So AT&T, I’m yours for the foreseeable future. Yeah, I have a new cellular number, which is a pain. Yeah, my phone came without a car charger, which is a pain. Yeah, you didn’t even give me one of those imitation leatherette cases some of the pretenders were offering. And yeah, it really wasn’t the phone I’d have preferred (a Mitsubishi).

But wait, there’s more…

I actually understood the deal. And I’m living in an asterisk-free environment, phoning and roaming all over the place.