Okay, we’ll take some responsibility for this horror show. It was promo that stuffed the ammonium nitrate into the coffee can and proffered the fuse. It was us that presented a wacked-out, fictional scenario about the official beer of rednecks, and then put out an open call for promotional solutions to bring the brew back. And we, yes we, were the ones that offered $850 in gift certificates to the most insane entries. We own up to that much, okay?
What we didn’t anticipate was that it would require the will of Moses to keep us from dialing up the FBI and filling them in on the whereabouts of some of you nutcases out there.
Printed below are the mad promotional ravings of the three top placers in promo’s Create-A-Crazy-Concept Contest, which ran in the August and September issues. Winners were announced at the Wild ‘n Wacky session (of course) at PROMO Expo in Chicago last month. Judges were our creative director panel, consisting of Jordan Bochanis, b. little & co.; Dave Rockenbaugh, Robinson & Maites; and Norty Cohen, Zipatoni.
First, here’s the problem our promo lunatics were invited to solve:
“Blitz, the ‘Bad ol’ Beer of Good ol’ Boys,’ was once the South’s top brand, having created a bond with core consumers (white southern males) through a ‘Not for Yankees’ attitude and a ubiquitous presence at NASCAR events. But in 1969, the top driver on the Blitz racing team, ‘Blitzkrieg’ Bobby Parnell, was arrested for drunk-driving. The brand crashed in ’72, when Ralph Nader revealed that the brew’s secret ingredient – Vitamin R (for ‘Rebel’) – was really turpentine.
“Now billionaire media mogul Bob Burner wants to bring Blitz back to life. He recently came up on the losing end of a corporate takeover battle with Gussie Shrubs III, ceo of Suds Brewing, the nation’s top brand, and he’s on a crusade to expunge Suds beer from the South. He’s installed Blitz as the official beer at Burner Ballpark, home of his MLB expansion team in Charlotte. The NASCAR door is still closed, however, and he’s foraging for a high-concept promotion campaign to get the whole country talking about Blitz.
“‘Bring on your biggest, bestest, baddest, and boldest,” challenged Burner in an open call to promo agencies. “The sky’s the limit on both money and madness. If you think you can out-outrage this crazy old country boy, why go ahead and try. Blitz me!'”
WARNING: Read these at home with a six-pack at your side so you’ll forget all about it tomorrow.
1st Place – $500 Gift Certificate The concept: Hire Monica Lewinsky as the new Blitz spokesperson to promote the brand’s new tagline: “Blitz Beer. Suck it back.”
The promotion: Win a Blitz Dream Date with Monica. Grand prize: Monica comes to your office to share a six-pack of Blitz and a cigar.
Account-specific tie-in with Oscar Mayer: Participating accounts get lifesize standees of Monica. Shoppers who throw a frank through her open mouth win a necktie.
To regain distribution and ensure a strong in-store presence, Monica accompanies sales reps on key account calls to close the sale. Jim Hartley, Envision Group
2nd Place – $250 Gift Certificate The Million Moon March promotion: Extensive research indicates that, of all U.S. regions, the South boasts the highest incidence of exposed butt cracks. While ill-fitting T-shirts and jeans partly account for this phenomenon, known commonly as “Plumber’s Butt,” abusive guzzling of beer deserves most credit.
As a result, in defiance of the South’s failed secession, Blitz will spearhead a northbound trek to the Mason-Dixon Line. At 6 a.m., after a heavy night of travel and brew, one million smelly southerners will perform a “Crack of Dawn” salute to the hated Yankees from the North. Mike Banks, SMI
3rd Place – $100 Gift Certificate Blitz Beer sponsors Bubbapalooza concert series for all things poor, white, and southern. Lynrd Skynrd, Molly Hatchet, and Foghat headline.
Guess Who’s the Imperial Wizard for prizes. Panel discussions with Jesse Helms include topics: “Hitler’s Just Alright by Me” and “How to Impeach a President.”
NRA-sponsored Meet the Militia trading post, where people can trade guns for quicker, more deadly guns.
Bob Burner introduces a new religion for poor, white, southerners: The Southern Blitzists. John F. Crowe, Newday Communications Dishonorable Mention This first was a favorite, but we had to take him out of the money when we made him a judge.
The Get Blitzed and We Deliver Your Liver promotion.
Like every good American truck built after 1973, every good ol’ boy is cursed with some unwanted pollution control device called a liver that wants to stand between you and your next 200,000 beers.
Well, help is on the way, good buddy! Now when you save bottle caps and UPC codes from Blitz Beer, you’ll get the ultimate beer drinker’s grand prize – a new, healthy, human liver!
Best of all, your liver comes delivered to you in a rugged Blitz Beer cooler that’s yours to keep!
So set your beer odometer back to 0 and put your lip petals to the metal of another can of Blitz!
Jordan Bochanis, b. little & co.
Blitz Beer will be brought back as the top brand through a co-promotion with Pfizer Pharmaceutical by putting the liquid form of Viagra into random cans of Blitz Beer. The new “Stiff-necked, redneck” spokesperson for the beer, “Woody,” encourages drinkers to swallow fast. The new ad campaign: “Is that Blitz Beer or are you just happy to see me?” and “Drink Blitz, Get Lucky.”
Eric Dewey, Fairfield National Bank
Some people drink beer for the taste, some drink beer to get drunk, you’ll drink Blitz Beer for the cash! We put a dead mouse in a can of Blitz (on purpose this time), and the first beer-swillin’ redneck to find the little varmint wins a million dollars! Once you’ve recovered from the rabies shots, you’ll be sippin’ good beer in the lap of luxury! So pick up a six-pack of 12-packs of Blitz today and start Swillin’ for a Million!
Mary Gamlin, Barnett Cox & Associates
Can You Handle these Big Buckin’ Blitz? The good ol’ boys could. Blitz Beer is back and buckin’, so put some in your sack!
Blitz sponsors President Clinton’s legal defense: “I couldn’t resist Monica’s big buckin’ Blitz. All I’m gettin’ at home are flat Suds.”
Blitz also offers bibs, bras, and cups at Charlotte baseball games, bars, and stores to fans who ride Suds-spewing, mechanical buckin’ Blitz Beer cans and do the “Shake Your Blitz” dance.
Steve Shaver, Inparticular
Win a Lewis Grizzard clone in the Y’all Blitz Now, Ya Hear? instant-win, on-the-can game. This original good ol’ boy and lifetime drinking buddy comes with a lifetime supply of Blitz.
Look for displays in-store featuring free boiled peanuts, Moon Pies, and grits with any Blitz Beer purchase.
Connie Forestner, The Big Idea Sales Promotion Agency
The Life’s a Blitz and then You Die campaign: a multifaceted, integrated campaign using grassroots sampling events plus a sweepstakes overlay. Hire costumed samplers known as the Blitz Chicks to do van sampling in select southern markets to create awareness and news value. Extend program into southern events like bass fishing tournaments, hog-calling contests, and demolition derbies. Win a custom Ford truck in the Drive You to Drink contest.
Milda Leonard, Triarc Beverage Group
Blitz Beer will be on everyone’s tongue again once they hear about the Bad Ol’ Beer of the Bad Ol’ Boys Baseball Game. The meanest, toughest convicts of the South will be assembled at Burner Ballpark for a not-to-be-missed battle of a lifetime available on pay-per-view. It’s the Blitz team versus the Suds team, prestaged for Blitz to cream the competition, a la professional wrestling matches. Consumers get commemorative shirts and caps with proofs of purchase.
Gail Underwood, The Sweepstakes Center
Buy a controlling interest in the World Wrestling Federation. As sole WWF sponsor, convert Burner Ballpark into a WWF venue.
Create new WWF star, Blitz Man, a Georgia cracker costumed as a can of Blitz. Like Popeye eating spinach, Blitz Man inevitably prevails after guzzling Blitz in the ring. His standing challenge: wrestle in a Plexiglas tank filled with Blitz.
Distribute “Adventures of Blitz Man” comic books (3rd grade level).
Earmark $1.3 billion for lawsuits.
Richard M. Boothe, Baumer Financial Publishing
Blitz, the official beer sponsor of the SEC and ACC college football conference and bowl games, puts a fan in the Blitz Dollar Grab Booth in between game quarters and gives away Blitz-Up trucks and bass boats at halftime. Tailgate and get photographed with the Blitzini-wearing Blitz Babes and Fritz, Blitz’s black labrador.
Take target practice on Suds products in Suds’n’Death. Hunters compete in Big Blitz Buck contest.
Retail includes “Blitz-tering Hitz” video and country rock CD, “Blitz Banging Boogie.”
Marc Fink, Doctorow Communications
Go Ballistic for Blitz Ball. Concept: Enhance Blitz Beer’s sponsorship of the MLB by introducing Blitz Ball, to be played before every MLB game. Blitz Ball = baseball backwards. Batters stand in the outfield, bat to home base, run backwards around bases, which happen to be giant blow-up Blitz Babes.
Fan premium: Blitz Mitt beer holder
Account-specific overlay consumer sweepstakes: Win a date with your sister
Michael Barnett, CBS Promotions Group
Blitz’ll stagger the category with this secret-shopper program gone mad! Blitz is saturating the South with B-Teams ordered to find and thrill Blitz customers. Teams are made up of a gaggle of supermodels in a Blitz-wrapped mega-truck modified to contain the key ingredients of a raucous bash. The models intercept unsuspecting consumers and . . . those with Blitz party!
Those without . . . “Here’s some coupons. Get yerself a real beer!”
T.J. Williams, PS Promotions
Burp with Blitz and Belong: Target males 25-54 and emphasize the idea of belonging to a group of men where burping is considered an art form. Men need to bond with their buddies, and Blitz will help them do it.
Web site: Best Blitz Burps
Major League Baseball: Burp contests at ballparks.
Retail: Distribution of “Best Blitz Burps” CD-ROM
Packaged Goods Tie-In: Digel antacid.
Brian Harrington, EF Educational Tours
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