Michael Moore Is A "Sicko"
Michael Moore has spent the last eighteen months investigating the
online marketing space, and his upcoming film, "Sicko" chronicles his
findings. The objective brainchild, Moore brings his unbiased,
ethical and caring point of view to our beloved industry. He shocked
us with "Farenheit 9/11" and bewildered us with "Bowling For
Columbine." "Sicko" engaged audiences at the Sundance Film Festival,
where they went wild during the scene where one female affiliate
manager sleeps with seventeen high volume publishers… in the same
night! Other highlights include a cash advance lender receiving an
identical lead from twelve partners in the same hour as well as a
group of people who showcase their cell phone receiving 493 SMS
advertisements within a 90-second span, and networks fabricating sexy
profiles on MySpace, prompting unknowing males to befriend these
cyber-vixens only to be sent S-P-A-M. Sick, indeed! And wait,
SPAMHAUS is more corrupt, thieving and backstabbing than the rest of
us? Exposure at its best- I’ll be seeing "Sicko" on opening night
with my local affiliate manager girlfriend and a *large* bucket of
popcorn with a hole in the bottom!
Highlight on New Affiliate Network- BorAds
Famed Comedian and global wunderkid, loved by all [except Muslims],
Borat is launching his own network, BorAds. BorAds will be spilling
over with "NOT" offers, exclusive campaigns that yield absolutely zero
value. Such not campaigns will include "Free Everything," where the
user enters a registration path that ends with a "knock knock" joke,
but only after 47 credit card offers have been completed and "Free
Sex" where you fill out Blockbuster, Netflix and Columbia House for a
chance to have cyber-intercourse with Borat’s wife. These are not to
be confused with "Free Eternal Salvation," where Bible-Belters and
Soccer Moms get to enter a mesmerizing registration path that
culminates with a live, streaming conversation with Borat dressed up
as Jesus. Value. We are ALL about value here.
Recycle, Reuse, Re:News?
A prominent affiliate network is running a new promotion, giving away
a sparkling new Porsche for the "catchiest subject line." All
affiliates have been invited to participate in this bustling and
high-profile contest. A spokesperson from Las Vegas based XY7 has
this to say, "We pride ourselves on pushing all limits and exceeding
all expectations. We are constantly seeking innovative ways to entice
our clients in a profitable and provocative manner." It seems to be
working, as I have already submitted the following:
Subject: Re:cycle, Re:use, Re:News?
Subject: Sirs, I have good traffic, I need gooder car
Subject: "Merkin": It is a real word and it means, "pubic wig"
Subject: "Blissom": it is also a real word and it means, "to
copulate with a ewe"
Broken News Is Serious Stuff
Recent death threats can not detur me from my destiny- to write Broken
News for the rest of my waking days. I am sorry you do not like the
truth. I apologize that my words hurt, harm, offend and isolate you
from your co-workers, friends and family. Your sexual dysfunction is
not my fault, but at least know that you are not alone. I am seeing a
therapist because the more industry truths that I write, the worse I
feel. My retirement is imminent, but even when I remove myself from
da daily hustle n’ flow, I will still expose the twisted state of
online marketing! A place where a steamy slug like Michael Moore is
given carte blanche to roam the floors of your neighborhood affiliate
network and be shown every detail, only to have him "go rogue on ya"
and unleash a hidden camera and recording device after the fact so
that we are all exposed! An industry where a comedic bafoon like
Borat can thrive dressing up as Jesus and issuing advice! Where
networks are making such an abundance of money that they are giving
away CARS. We used to be happy with $25 gift cards, people!! And
most of all, why is there such an onslaught of horrific grammar and
hellacious spelling in this damn space, despite one’s education or
level of intelligence? I know we can’t all belong to MENCA, but
still.
Network
