Cruel Britannia: For all England's experience with monarchy, the men and women of the royal court simply don't translate well to television commercials.
Take a British Burger King spot, in which a young man enters a peep show booth and drops a coin in the appropriate slot. The window rises to reveal… that incredibly creepy Burger King character. The one with the shiny frozen plastic face which looks like a cross between Salvador Dali and Kenneth Branagh. At least the king is fully clothed, thank goodness.
The king gives a coy little finger wave, which brings to mind the phrase "If he ever came within 100 meters of my child, I'd spray him with mace." But viewers are spared the horrors of a velvet-trimmed striptease: Instead, the king reaches around his own back and pulls out…
A double-meat-patty cheeseburger of some sort, which he presents to the lad in the booth. How long has that burger been in there? Where, exactly, did the king produce it from? Regardless, the young man accepts it and munches happily, as the king celebrates winning another victim over to the dark side by twirling around a stripper's pole.
The moral of this story? The Supreme and Double Rodeo cheeseburgers are available at Burger King for one pound forty nine – from, as a voiceover informs us, "a very generous king."
How many ways can one commercial give rise to "Ick"? I would have hoped the British would have had the, I dunno, self-esteem, if nothing else, to short-circuit this campaign. England has a glorious history of pantomime skits. Who let this bit of visual doggerel get through?
About the only kind thing that can be said for this ad is that it's short, like the reign of Edward VIII. But at least that reign ended in a marriage. This should culminate with the beheading of all involved.
Normally I wouldn't advise washing down a burger that incorporates a third of a cow with a heaping helping of treacle. So let me apologize in advance for referencing a British anti-drunk driving commercial that uses the death of Diana, the late Princess of Wales and goes pretty far over the saccharine edge.
To the tune of "God Save the Queen" (the traditional arrangement, not the Sex Pistols' version) with accompanying visuals of… teddy bears at Buckingham Palace, a little girl sings: "I can't believe it's true/I want to comfort you/because you're dead. Look at my teddy's face/isn't it sad this place/why aren't you still alive/please don't drink and drive/Look at the flowers, gee/next time it might be me/why aren't you still alive/please don't drink and drive." (Hear for yourself: http://youtube.com/watch?v=V2pvTkH_x-o. Make sure the sound is up real loud so everyone can enjoy it.)
These lyrics sound as if they were written in Croatian and run through a rather rudimentary language translator. It's hard to believe the country that gave us Oscar Wilde and Stella Gibbons coughed up this piece of drivel. "I want to comfort you?" But the kid has already acknowledged that Diana is no more. Children shouldn't play with dead things.
In fact, the whole concept is creepy. Singing to a dead person? No, no, no. Mighta worked as a scene in M*A*S*H* (the movie) but not here.
What's even worse is that the singer's voice is oddly reminiscent of the little girl from "Poltergeist" – the one who stared into a dead television channel and announced "they're here!"
Even without all this, Princess Diana's death is probably not the best event to hang an anti-drinking-and-driving campaign on. Diana herself was not at the wheel of the car, and for several years afterward there was controversy over whether the driver was, in fact drunk. What absolutely contributed to her death was that the car was speeding due to being chased by some overzealous paparazzi.
So to our friends in Britain I say: We're delighted that you have your monarchy. But if you don't straighten up and learn how to use 'em – at least in commercials – they'll be taken away from you.
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