New Yorker writer Roger Angell steadfastly refuses to resume his once-annual tradition of encapsulating the just-ended year into a series of verses, and readers are poorer for it.

With a tip of the Loose Cannon derby in his direction, I offer what might have been — had Angell devoted himself to the highlights of the last 12 months in the direct marketing industry.

January-March 2006
AskJeeves searched for something subtler
Than its stodgy icon butler
While Time Inc. had to make amends
For billing cycles without ends.

When legal disputes threatened service
BlackBerry addicts were quite nervous.
Sales folk toiled to soothe the glums
And find new ways to strain their thumbs.

Reader’s Digest stretched its hand
To new locales (one’s Kazakhstan).
A Borat joke here? No, for I’ve
Got no good rhyme for Sagdiyev.

April-June 2006
The year saw staffing’s steep decline
At erstwhile ‘merica Online.
But now, for those who cannot spell,
That firm’s new name is A.O.L.

Google, Yahoo ‘fessed to no tricks
But still they paid for phony clicks.
And despite having her catalog sold
Again, Ms. Vernon’s good as gold.

Then Interpublic Group did craft
A merge of FCB and Draft.
Rivals shaken, clients wowed
(But wait — is that a darkish cloud?)

July-September 2006
Alas, September took the life
Of he who pitched the Ginsu knife.
Late night viewers were lured to debt
With “Wait, there’s more — don’t answer yet!”

A Postal Service mailing’s fate?
A truly tepid answer rate.
Mailers laughed into a quiver:
“Those who cannot do, deliver!”

For one-point-six-five billion, Google
Purchased YouTube — hardly frugal.
And the head of Sharper Image
Was ousted in a nasty scrimmage.

October-December 2006
Merging Advo and Valassis
Proved as slow as cold molasses.
July announced, closed in December
Why’d they fight? Who can remember?

Ripplewood achieved its quest
Of buying up Reader’s Digest.
(I’ve naught to say. Shan’t cast aspersion.
At least not in this condensed version.)

The “two young men” note, used eternal
As the control for Wall Street Journal
Told of difference in their employ
Its writer passed. RIP, Martin Conroy.

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New Yorker writer Roger Angell steadfastly refuses to resume his once-annual tradition of encapsulating the just-ended year into a series of verses, and readers are poorer for it.

With a tip of the Loose Cannon derby in his direction, I offer what might have been