News, the Broken Variety: Hampia v. Hoodia
Outfitted
Halloween took an ugly turn this year as four networks [and counting] began wrapping candy they gave out to kids in affiliate marketing newsletter material to "get their name out" in the community. A couple sources close to us cited these networks thought they would "receive positive word of mouth" by distributing "healthy" candy such as carob-covered nuts and raisins from health food stores. When the parents dumped out the lunch pails, pumpkins, napsacks and pillow cases of their kids, they would see the newsletters and have a positive connotation of the Company. That was the idea, at least. Although the plan backfired when one network, heralded for their past guerilla marketing techniques, took the plan even further. This Company in question actually hired kids to go door-to-door and drop newsletters on every doorstep while they were trick or treating, effectivey complementing the practice illustrated above. This is called, "rampantly rampaging self-reciprocal business."
Hampia v. Hoodia
SS Manufacturing has been coming on strong, and has recently made bold promises to the industry that their product, "Hampia" will have customers saying "Who your daddia." Guaranteeing weight loss of 30 pounds in a week or "money back", Hampia has been an industry fave amongst the young female affiliate managers. They are hammering their mailers with before and after pictures of themselves after a couple weeks taking Hampia. The product comes in a syrum that you squirt under your tongue and swish around your mouth violently for 6 minutes. At the end of the six minutes you swallow and your fat cells melt away like your Company’s profits at a club in Manhattan next week. Hoodia executive Dmitry Hamm suggests, "I have tried Hampia, and my product far exceeds it in terms of value, health and longevity." Hampia’s all-out media blitz and tag line, "We’ll have you sayin ‘Hoo your daddia’ in two weeks" is convincing enough for me. Consider me a happy swisher after all of this staple-infused Halloween candy I’ve been eating this morning.
Court Injection
One of the most well-known affiliate networks in the industry was cracked by the infamous "lawsuit whip" earlier this week. It is reported that two female employees have filed a formal complaint against their CEO because he, "attempted to inject their buttocks with a syringe full of Hampia." In most bewildering fashion, he is not refuting the allegations, citing, "I have seen first-hand accounts of the magic of Hampia. My employees refused to swallow the syrup, so as CEO during the middle of the biggest quarter of the year, I was obligated to have them looking their leanest." When asked about the prospect of jail time, he seemed unphased. "Hey, if I’m wrong for wanting the best for my Organization and my employees, then I don’t wanna be right."
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