News, the Broken Variety: Breaking of Champions
Cruel Azoogle
Much maligned Azoogle has been getting beat up for years concerning the chauvinistic nature of their ruling parties. The raunchy strip club outings, the salty comments toward hot, young affiliate managers and the heavy drinking at conventions. We excused this behavior for half a decade, but now, something has come to light that we simply can NOT let rest. Azoogle fired twenty pregnant women on staff this week, perhaps the most heinous cost-cutting move of all time. Their attorney had this to say. “We provide our employees with a well-rounded and healthy work environment, including snacks that are aggregated and rationed based on one snack per mouth. The pregnant women on staff were commanding two snacks per day, and it simply was not cost effective. Period. There is nothing heartless about it. Business is business.” But don’t vilify them just yet. When womens groups and outraged industry members approached Azoogle, here was their additional defense. “These women should have used protection, they can’t expect us in our most trying year ever to pay for their lengthy and unwarranted maternity leave! We love children, and we wish the mothers and their kids a wonderful life, but a life OUTSIDE of the Azoogle family. Affiliate marketing is about making money, not making babies.”
Crueler Google
The algorithm is changing, the algorithm is changing!! Google has infuriated affiliates by altering their rules once again, making it near impossible to make money with travel portals, sweepstakes sites and ringtone campaigns. The “ringtone kids” as they are called have become accustomed to earning upwards of $100,000 per month via Google, and that is all about to end. Fearing another Columbine, the Google campus has hired a portion of the National Guard to protect its employees. President Bush has declared the Google Campus on
“scorching hellfire red alert”, as Google affiliates from around the globe have sent death threats to the “head algorithmers.” How these affiliates attained the names of these holiest of holy Monk-like legends known as the “head algorithmers” is an enigma, but it has Google scared wordless.
Cruelest World
Guards at Guantanamo Bay purposely released 2,000 convicted felons from their penitentiary this morning in expectation for “the evil ones.” They let murderers, rapists and kidnappers run wild on the streets to make room at their facility for the worst of the worst affiliate marketing scoundrels from the East. Federal Agents are rounding up all of the “baddest dudes” from New York and New Jersey and putting them on a boat Friday, destined for Guantanamo Bay. In Florida, agents have secured the “Grease of the East” from Boca Raton, Miami and Ft. Laudy and they are being shipped tomorrow. Cleaning up
the affiliate space has been the Feds’ intention for years, and they are finally getting to it. There are now talks of re-opening Alcatraz and shipping out the “Snakes of the West” from San Francisco, Los Angeles and Las Vegas.
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This episode of Broken News is brought to you by our trusted industry insider, Cauldron Larynx. Cauldron utilizes deep knowledge, deeper skills and deepest relationships to make up the most breaking and relevant news in the Affiliate Marketing sector.
