News, the Broken Variety: Adorable Little Presents

Adorable Little Presents

A new phenomenon in gift-giving amongst industry moguls emerged this
winter. Tired of gift baskets, chocolate towers and bottles of wine,
one industry vet decided he would take advangtage of the frigid winter
and begin a new innovative line of presents. Bucking the politically
correct trends of "going green" and PETA, he adopted the idea to begin
sending cute animals frozen in dry ice. First, there were Omaha
Steaks, then, high-end Lobster tails being sent from Affiliate
Networks to their best partners. Now, in 2007, a record level of
early snowfall and freezing temperatures has yielded a rash of frozen
rabbits, chipmunks and birds. Because they were not given an ample
amount of time to prepare and build their winter homes, many of
nature’s cutest creatures were "caught out in the cold." As a result,
high-end gamers began collecting these frozen lovelies, packing them
in dry ice and giving them as presents for the "person who has
everything."

Holiday Records

Police have dialed-in on cities who are heavily represented by online
marketing firms, citing the "most DUIs amongst online marketers than
any other industry." Public records indicate there have already been
19 members of our elite force who have been nabbed, slapped with
$10,000 fines and forced to spend the night behind bars. And we
haven’t even hit New Years week yet! Don’t let yourself be another
victim. Call your mom, your ex-girlfriend, your boss, ANYONE, just
don’t drive drunk. Even if you’ve only had two special egg nog and
Jack D’s, it’s still not worth the risk. If the bartender that night
was me, he would know to slip in an extra two tablespoons of nutmeg
and cinnamon, which nullifies most of the Jack taste and renders it
near undetectable. Spicy cider with rum is another warm holiday
treat, but can be equally dangerous. Last year I got pulled over
after skidding across the ice upon eating too many rum-filled
chocolate bottles. Thankfully, by the time I refused the sobriety
test and was taken down to the station, my BAC was just below the
threshold for prison time… let my tale of narrow escape be a lesson
to you, and DON’T DRINK AND DRIVE this holiday… or ever.

Detectors

Smoke detectors. We all have them in our homes. At least those of us
who like to be in compliance with the law and enjoy the possessions in
our home to be safer in the event a fire were to break out. Lie
detectors. Pray that you are never in the position where you are
forced to take one against your will. It isn’t a party you want to
attend. A few years back, around this time of year, my girlfriend at
the time was sure I was being a naughty boy and would be getting coal
from Santa. Her uncle was a cop, and she forced me to take a lie
detector test on Christmas eve, accusing her sister and me of getting
saucy the month before at their parents’ house for Thanksgiving. The
test turned out sideways, and she slapped me, demanded the key to her
house, and I was left all alone on Christmas with no newkey. Now,
affilites are in luck with a brand new form of Detectors. Ladies and
Gentlemen, I present to you, the "RATE DETECTOR." The rate detector
is a device you can attach to your phone, where it will measure tone,
vocal cord control, "quiver effect" and confidence where you can
accurately determine the likelihood your affiliate manager is telling
you the truth regarding, "this is the highest rate I am giving anyone"
along with if they are being honest by telling you, "I’m only getting
$20 on this." The truth shall conquer all.

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This episode of Broken News is brought to you by our trusted industry insider, Cauldron Larynx. Cauldron utilizes deep knowledge, deeper skills and deepest relationships to make up the most breaking and relevant news in the Affiliate Marketing sector