Loose Cannon: Twelve Quatrains on Four Quarters
Longtime readers of The New Yorker will likely remember Roger Angell’s end-of-the-year poem, which boiled down the events of the previous 12 months into easily digestible rhymes. Angell, alas, has given up this annual tradition.
But even when he was writing it, Angell usually didn’t cover direct marketing in his verse. Which is a shame, because the industry offers a great deal of fodder. Had he focused on significant quarter-by-quarter DM events in 2003, his poem might have read something like the following.
January-March 2003
‘Round New Year’s, Priceline’s boss did deign
To hire Shatner once again.
One could hear the ad men cry
“Kirk’s phasers will be set on ‘buy’!”
USPS put out big bucks
When flat sort machines ran amok.
Spiegel took a double blow
Losing two “Cs” (EO, FO).
Victoria’s Secret got no restitution
When the High Courts ruled “no dilution!”
Inspired, Victor’s Little Secret’s chiefs
Peddled edible legal briefs
April-June 2003
Congress passed a law that frees
Postal from paying retirees.
The added funds will likely clamp
The cost of every postage stamp.
Who’d have thought DRTV
Could sell a mailing leads CD?
But at $99.95 (a steal!)
List vendors have their Ron Popeil.
Readers’ Digest took some leaps
When it gave up on mailing sweeps.
It now just remains to be seen
If folks still want the magazine.
July-September 2003
The FTC announced the fee
For using the new DNC.
If seven thousand bucks sounds steep
The first five area codes are cheap.
JetBlue engendered consternation
For granting flyer information.
The data, under false comportment,
Wound up with the Defense Deportment.
Forget about “Do not E-mail”
Chair Muris said, “It’s bound to fail”.
And Tommy Chong will do some time
For selling water bongs online.
October-December 2003
The Do-Not-Call List came to be
And topsy-turvyed telephony.
For callers, yes, but also renters
Of outbound telemarketing centers.
Senator Schumer quoted polls
Approving “do not spam me” rolls.
The survey also found (it’s true)
That grass is green and the sky is blue.
And after serving many a year
Bob Wientzen said “I’m outta here!”
While Priceline in a late-year shock
Hired Leonard Nimoy (Mr. Spock).
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