The “week in advance” calendar is a government-and-industry-publication staple. These listings are written with an earnestness which is almost endearing, given that most of the events offer all the thrills of a PowerPoint presentation on quarterly soybean production levels.

What follow are several DM-related events that may have been overlooked by listings compilers.

Monday, Nov. 4

6:00 am: The “Monopedia”, a DM search engine sponsored by the Direct Marketing Employment Guild, goes live. With most search engines, a single query can yield thousands of results. The Monopedia simplifies the process through “ultra targeting.” When direct marketers enter a query into the DM Monopedia, it returns one all-purpose response: “Stop wasting your time on pointless Web queries and hire a qualified consultant. Preferably someone who knows some actual math.”

3:30 pm: (Of special interest to customer relationship management executives:) Apple Inc. CEO Steve Jobs’ apology tour continues. In previous venues, Jobs has walked over stinging nettles, hot coals and glass shards. Today in Miami, he will crawl over a sea urchin bed while carrying in his mouth rebate coupons for anyone who purchased the iPhone at its original price.

Tuesday, Nov. 5

12:00 pm: Telemarketers observe an hour of silence in commemoration of 2007 being an off-election year — and the corresponding loss in political call revenue.

Wednesday, Nov. 6

12:00 pm: Hour-long phone-jamming effort aimed at the Democratic and Republican national committees to protest legislated commercial telemarketing restrictions.

3:00 pm: The Direct Marketing Learning Workplace sponsors a panel discussion: “Do Too Many Copywriters Spoil The Direct Mail Stew?” Experts exchange their views on the advantages of working solo. Time will be given for participants to break up into groups to explore the topic interactively.

Thursday, Nov. 7

Concurrent events:

2:00 pm: #403 M Street NW, Washington, DC. U.S. Department of Economic Affairs Emergency Forum: “The Coming Personal Credit Collapse and the Direct Marketing Industry.” Direct mail industry experts welcome.

2:00 pm: #405 M Street NW, Washington, DC. U.S. Postal Service Emergency Forum: “The Case for Catalogs Bearing The Brunt Of The Next Postal Rate Increase”. Direct mail industry experts welcome.

2:00 pm: #407 M Street NW, Washington, DC. DMA Direct mail industry experts cocktail lunch and discussion: “Should DMA Hall of Famer Homer J. Buckley Be Featured On A Commemorative Stamp?”

Friday, Nov. 8

12:30 pm: American Association of Type A Marketers’ Brown Bag luncheon meeting: “It’s Not Too Early To Be Mailing for Christmas 2015!”

4:30 pm: Book Party: “Trump: How I Built My Third Fortune In Second Life” The billionaire real estate developer’s latest book describes how he sold premium air rights in a virtual world.

Saturday Nov. 9

5:30 pm: Seattle Association of Green Direct Marketers social event: Drive-in forum discussion: “Saving the Planet Through Deduping Catalog Mailings Lists.” (Note: Regardless of the weather, we request that automobile idling time be limited to three-minute stretches.)

Sunday, Nov. 10

(Time undetermined) The Nobel Committee announces the inaugural winner of the 2008 Nobel Prize for direct marketing. Although not confirmed, the winner is widely anticipated to be D.H.L. Lawrence, who invented a system for delivering romantic gifts within 24 hours.

To respond to this column, please contact
[email protected]

The “week in advance” calendar is a government-and-industry-publication staple. These listings are written with an earnestness which is almost endearing, given that most of the events offer all the thrills of a PowerPoint presentation on quarterly soybean production levels.

What follow are several DM-related events that may have been overlooked by listings compilers.

Monday, Nov. 4

6:00 am: The “Monopedia”, a DM search engine sponsored by the Direct Marketing Employment Guild, goes live. With most search engines, a single query can yield thousands of results. The Monopedia simplifies the process through “ultra targeting.” When direct marketers enter a query into the DM Monopedia, it returns one all-purpose response: “Stop wasting your time on pointless Web queries and hire a qualified consultant. Preferably someone who knows some actual math.”

3:30 pm: (Of special interest to customer relationship management executives:) Apple Inc. CEO Steve Jobs’ apology tour continues. In previous venues, Jobs has walked over stinging nettles, hot coals and glass shards. Today in Miami, he will crawl over a sea urchin bed while carrying in his mouth rebate coupons for anyone who purchased the iPhone at its original price.

Tuesday, Nov. 5

12:00 pm: Telemarketers observe an hour of silence in commemoration of 2007 being an off-election year — and the corresponding loss in political call revenue.

Wednesday, Nov. 6

12:00 pm: Hour-long phone-jamming effort aimed at the Democratic and Republican national committees to protest legislated commercial telemarketing restrictions.

3:00 pm: The Direct Marketing Learning Workplace sponsors a panel discussion: “Do Too Many Copywriters Spoil The Direct Mail Stew?” Experts exchange their views on the advantages of working solo. Time will be given for participants to break up into groups to explore the topic interactively.

Thursday, Nov. 7

Concurrent events:

2:00 pm:
#403 M Street NW, Washington, DC. U.S. Department of Economic Affairs Emergency Forum: “The Coming Personal Credit Collapse and the Direct Marketing Industry.” Direct mail industry experts welcome.

2:00 pm:
#405 M Street NW, Washington, DC. U.S. Postal Service Emergency Forum: “The Case for Catalogs Bearing The Brunt Of The Next Postal Rate Increase”. Direct mail industry experts welcome.

2:00 pm:
#407 M Street NW, Washington, DC. DMA Direct mail industry experts cocktail lunch and discussion: “Should DMA Hall of Famer Homer J. Buckley Be Featured On A Commemorative Stamp?”

Friday, Nov. 8

12:30 pm: American Association of Type A Marketers’ Brown Bag luncheon meeting: “It’s Not Too Early To Be Mailing for Christmas 2015!”

4:30 pm: Book Party: “Trump: How I Built My Third Fortune In Second Life” The billionaire real estate developer’s latest book describes how he sold premium air rights in a virtual world.

Saturday Nov. 9

5:30 pm: Seattle Association of Green Direct Marketers social event: Drive-in forum discussion: “Saving the Planet Through Deduping Catalog Mailings Lists.” (Note: Regardless of the weather, we request that automobile idling time be limited to three-minute stretches.)

Sunday, Nov. 10

(Time undetermined) The Nobel Committee announces the inaugural winner of the 2008 Nobel Prize for direct marketing. Although not confirmed, the winner is widely anticipated to be D.H.L. Lawrence, who invented a system for delivering romantic gifts within 24 hours.

To respond to this column, please contact
[email protected]