Good to the Last Flop

EVERY COUPLE OF YEARS, IN THE PAGES OF THIS MAGAZINE, I wonder publicly about a syndrome we should call “slogan decay.”

No, I’m not sliding back into my ongoing contempt for “Your partner in…” or “When it comes to…” or that basement-level line, “Such-and-such means business.” Those have moved downward to a depth where any criticism is a compliment.

Rather, think back to a time when slogans helped sell the product or service they supposedly touted. Geezers who remember when taglines had some salesmanship — “What’ll you have? Pabst Blue Ribbon”…“Is there a Ford in your future?”…“Have it your way”…or even the more recent “Butter? Parkay” — have to wonder what marketing zoo turns loose the creatures excreting so, so many slogans that, however weak and nondescript, are launched with huge advertising budgets.

Oh, we have a few hangers-on: An occasional reprise of “Good to the last drop” and “Nothing beats a great pair of L’eggs.” (At least, I think Hanes still is using its original. I quit wearing L’eggs when too many people started staring.) “Relax, it’s FedEx” is inspired imagery. L’Oreal’s “Because you’re worth it” still has women thinking they’re worth it.

Here’s Continental Airlines, one of the few major carriers not in bankruptcy. Remember “The proud bird with the golden tail”? That slogan was neither proud nor golden, but it beats the pants off the current one: “Work hard. Fly right.” That imperative seems aimed at the passengers, not the crews.

In the Continental terminal at various airports is a wowser from the country of France. The slogan tells it like it is: “The new France. Where the smart money goes.” Who can resist that stroking?

Popeyes, my favorite fried chicken now that Bojangles’ has vanished from the scene (at least locally), has been using “Love that chicken!” OK, harmless enough. But what’s this new one bubbling to the surface like some volcanic gas? “We Do Good Ba-You!^™” You mean, Popeyes, that not only have you abandoned the possessive apostrophe for your name, you’ve given faux-cachet to your Louisiana roots by awarding a trademark symbol? Congratulations on having the chutzpah of the month.

Borders, the book store, provokes invasion by a less inhibited clientele with “More of What You Love.” How much for a private room, Borders?

Here’s CompUSA with a puzzler: “We got it. We get it.” Sorry, CompUSA, I don’t get it. Apparently, neither does your advertising department.

Hilton joins the “Duh!” crowd with an inarguable slogan: “Travel should take you places.” Right on: I had wondered what travel was for.

Chevrolet’s googol-sized advertising budget stems around “An American Revolution” with type treatment to the “E.” Which means what? One possibility is that whoever pushed this one through picked it up from Dodge’s campaign of 20 years ago. So a 2006 Chevy is on a par with a 1986 Dodge. A play on “revolutionary” instead of “revolution” might have added .001% impact, but on reflection, both words are cousins of “revolting.”

Mercury says, “New doors opened” and Hyundai’s non-grabber is “Drive your way.” I hope their seat belts are fastened. Buick’s peculiarity is “Beyond precision,” which is reminiscent of Dr. Seuss. Lincoln drags its transmission with “Reach higher,” as uncommunicative as a tagline for a car can be. Maybe they’re thinking of Robert Browning’s “The reach should exceed the grasp,” but they’ve missed it. And Nissan, ever the symbol of the Mysterious East, has as its proud tagline “SHIFT __.” Nissan, don’t underscore and drink.

On the automotive periphery is Chevron, whose tagline is “Human energy,” with the inevitable trademark symbol. That seems intriguing and intelligent…and of course incomprehensible.

Las Vegas has a wry sense of humor: “What happens here stays here.” That refers to your money, of course. Brita, the water treatment gadget, also seems to think what happens here stays here: “Water yourself.” Take that one to the restroom.

A more open sense of humor attends local marketers who don’t usually worry about criticism in Direct. A few nuggets…

On a septic tank truck in Oregon: “Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels.” On a sign affixed to a septic tank truck: “We’re #1 in the #2 business.” A gutty little note at a gynecologist’s office: “Dr. ****, at your cervix.” And reversing the position, this one on the door of a proctologist with a sense of humor: “To expedite your visit please back in.” I imagine the Chicago radiator shop with this sign has taken some heat over the play on words: “Best place in town to take a leak.” (On the periphery, depending on how scatological your auto-senses may be, is a major advertiser, United Parcel Service: “What Can Brown Do for You?” Maybe they can make a co-op deal with Tide or Metamucil.)

Do we wonder why the major manufacturers can’t match the wryness and brightness that speckle these secondary slogan-users? Of course we don’t. Most major marketers operate in semi-terror: “Oh my God, we might offend somebody.” So as their advertising becomes so abstruse we see their television commercials and wonder what the devil they’re hawking, we also may or may not notice taglines that don’t quite march in place. They trudge in place.

Can it be that taglines and slogans are obsolete? We have to split the answer, and the bottom half of the split is easy enough: When prospective customers say, “What dumb advertising agency came up with that, and what dummy at the advertiser approved it?”…then it’s obsolete.

Guess who’s the last to realize it.

HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS (www.herschellgordonlewis.com) is the principal of Lewis Enterprises in Fort Lauderdale, FL. He consults with and writes direct response copy for clients worldwide. His 29th book, “Open Me Now,” was published last year. “Burnt Offerings,” scheduled for fall publication, will explore direct response fundraising. Among his other books are “Asinine Advertising,” “On the Art of Writing Copy” (third edition), “Marketing Mayhem” and “Effective E-mail Marketing.”