Action Don’t Got No Traction

I’M GETTING MORE AND MORE STEAMED AT HIT-AND-RUN DIRECT marketers.

Who or what are hit-and-runners? They’re the ones who know a couple of action words but don’t know what damage they’re doing by using these words and not justifying them.

Some of the words: Important; Urgent; Personal; Hurry; and Rush.

I’ve left off the mandatory exclamation points…although adding one after “Personal” is an open sesame to anyone other than the target to peek inside (and be the first one to be disappointed).

IMPORTANT TO WHOM?

What’s wrong with all these imperatives? you ask. Not a thing — IF what follows is important or urgent or personal or legitimizes the demand for fast action.

But here’s an envelope — a 9-inch by 12-inch jumbo — from a publication in the meetings and conventions field. In big stencil-type on the envelope is the word “URGENT.”

Urgent, huh? Then why does the postal indicia say “Standard”? How come it’s urgent for me but not for you?

And what’s inside? No letter. You’re reading right, no letter. Bulk-mail urgency without any semi-personal communication? Gee, that’ll do a lot for the credibility of everybody else’s direct response.

What actually was enclosed was a beautifully printed brochure with this cryptic message on the cover:

Can You Imagine Having the Power To
Increase The Value of Gold?

Yeah, yeah, it’s not only too prettily laid out to be “urgent”; it’s also too lyrical. (The reference: Gold awards given to whomever — employees, customers or, I guess, innocent bystanders — to stay at Gold-rated hotels, resorts and golf courses.)

Look: Stay in character and all this will be easy.

Aw, but I know what happened. Some consultant told them to put “URGENT” on the envelope. He or she (or in this case It) was only hired for the day, so there wasn’t time to explain that if we cry “Wolf!” we’d better show them a wolf.

That guy never heard of the Hippocratic imperative — Non nos nocere — which means “Above all else, do no harm.” Instead, he espoused the Hypocritic imperative — “Whatever it takes to grab and shake.”

INEXPENSIVE IMPORTANCE

By far the most abused word we have — even surpassing “Free” and “New” — is “Important.”

Hey, guys, Important isn’t a stand-alone. Every time you kick it in the head, you weaken it a little more for the rest of us.

Here’s a double postcard — a postcard, for God’s sake — with this legend on the face of the card:

Important
message inside.

Somehow that important message is automatically suspect before we flip open the flap. Inside is a printed pitch in advertising language for a “High Yield Tax-Free Income Fund.” To those looking for tax-free income this isn’t really unimportant; but the problem here is the mismatch between “Important” and “message.” To some, if they’re exquisitely targeted, it’s possible as “Important information”; a message it ain’t.

A letter to me whose envelope has nonprofit indicia in the upper right corner has this envelope copy:

An Important National Survey is enclosed.

Do you

• hike?
• bike?
• ski?
• run or walk?
• ride horses?
• or just plain enjoy the outdoors?

See the self-canceling nature of this envelope copy? Somehow I can’t attach any cosmic importance to the bland questions on this envelope. Hey, guys, if this is an Important National Survey, ask us about sex or money or what we think of Paris Hilton.

Inside is a load of stuff. We have a five-page letter (it’s no misprint — five pages, with a blank back panel). We have a survey that would get a “D” in any class taught by Nielsen:

1. How do you (or would you) enjoy trails? (check all that apply)
   ___bicycling
   ___birding or other nature activity
   ___commuting to work or school
   [and nine others including wheelchair]

2. Do you feel that your community needs more trails?
   ___Yes ___No ___Undecided

You get the idea. It’s about as scientific a survey as asking a passerby, “Does your brother like cheese?”

“I don’t have a brother.”

“If you had a brother, would he like cheese?”

At the end of the “survey” is a Membership Acceptance Form. Also in the package is a buckslip offering a free booklet if you join this organization; a lift note; a small bumper sticker; and a BRE. Not a bad mailing; but what made these people think “Important” was the right adjective? Why not envelope copy that doesn’t generate a grimace when unmasked, such as “We need your opinion” or a rubber stamp with “Survey Documents Enclosed”?

NEWS FLASH

Suppose you open an envelope — a nondescript envelope that delivers a mixed message (first class stamp, cheshire label).

Inside is a four-page document printed in red and blue, with a big heading:

…News Flash…

Has war been declared? Is Britney Spears or Michael Jackson at it again? Has the Dow Jones dropped 500 points? Has a professional football team moved to Joplin?

None of the above. It’s an announcement for a mailing list.

I’d never attack flat-out promotion. Wording such as “Brand new — grab this list before your competitor does!” not only wouldn’t jar me but might move me to take a positive look at the list. “News Flash” doesn’t do this because what follows is a letdown.

That’s the key. Go ahead and yell “Urgent!” IF your target might regard the information as urgent. Scream “Important!” IF your target actually would think of it as important. Send a “News Flash” IF your target may consider it hot news.

But don’t hit and run. In every interpretation, that’s leaving the scene of a crime.

HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS (www.herschellgordonlewis.com) is the principal of Lewis Enterprises in Fort Lauderdale, FL.