While I have no intention of moving from New York City, I will address the residency restriction by establishing a mail drop in Sacramento. Were I a direct marketer, doing so would allow the state to collect taxes from me. It therefore stands to reason that I should be allowed to pursue political office within the state as if I were a resident.
In return for the industry’s support, I have designed a platform geared toward rewarding direct response marketers. If elected, I will:
1. Nationalize Sharper Image Corp. and correct the state’s budget deficit through the sale of Ionic Breeze air purifiers and electronic massage chairs.
2. Mobilize the National Guard and make sure that all parcels processed in California are delivered within 24 hours—by the world’s only armed c.o.d. collection force.
3. Require that all purchases be made via direct response marketing. The decrease in trips to Wal-Mart, Staples and Blockbusters will significantly reduce the state’s reliance on foreign oil.
4. Underscore the crucial role of online commerce in today’s economy by banning the phrase “Surf’s up” in any context other than the uninterrupted functioning of the Internet.
5. Replace the pledge of allegiance in public school assemblies with a daily recitation of the top 25 catalogs’ toll-free telephone numbers.
6. Demand that all Hollywood box-office stars who gross more than $5 million in any calendar year make at least one infomercial on a pro bono basis.
7. Declare that any personal information disclosed on daytime talk shows, such as those hosted by Oprah Winfrey, Jenny Jones, Jerry Springer or Geraldo Rivera, may be used for marketing purposes. There isn’t enough data on C and D census tract residents, and this law will go a long way toward filling in the gaps.
8. Acclimatize future generations of direct marketing consumers by introducing laws that allow parents-to-be to sign up for secured credit cards for their unborn brats.
9. Designate Christmas and Chanukah as movable feasts. Every direct marketer will be allowed to declare “The Holiday Season” during his or her weakest quarter, albeit no more than twice in a rolling 12-month period.
10. Foster a spirit of goodwill among the DM industry by issuing every direct marketer who pays California taxes one pinata in the shape of privacy-obsessed state Sen. Jackie Speier.
I plan to run hard, and if the governorship remains beyond my reach, I hope at least to garner more votes than fellow candidate (and former child star) Gary Coleman.
To respond to the opinions in this column, please contact rlevey@primediabusiness.com
