To: The Customers of Fli-Rite Airlines
Fr: Mortimer Snerd, CEO and chairman
Re: Government Flyer Database Program
As many of you are aware, the government is requiring all airlines to contribute to the CAPPS 2 program, the second incarnation of its Computer Assisted Passenger PreScreening program. Although this proves that the government is about as adept in creating acronyms as it is in actually capturing terrorists, we still have to contribute to it.
Here at Fli-Rite, we acknowledge the value of our customers’ patronage. It is in this spirit that we have designed a new addition to our frequent flyer club: The Community Rat-out Airline Passengers program. Once this program is fully in place, our customers will be able to win as terrorists lose.
Here’s how it works: In addition to furnishing your information to the government, you will have the opportunity, either through our Web site or through our booking agents, to provide us with the names of individuals worthy of closer pre-flight scrutiny. In return, we offer additional frequent flyer miles and other amenities.
For instance, if you provide us with the name of a verifiable terrorist, you will receive 250,000 frequent flyer miles, ten free upgrades, and a lifetime supply of in-flight entertainment headphones!
We are also looking for names of innocuous septuagenarians whom we can pull out of the check-in line for extra screening. This will allow us to maintain the pretense that our searches are age-, gender- and ethnicity-blind. In return for such a name we offer 30,000 miles and one free round-trip ticket to anywhere we fly (with the exception of Miami).
For turning in a cocaine importer, the reward is 10,000 miles and double peanuts on your next flight. We realize this isn’t much, comparatively, but since the government clearly isn’t giving this issue high priority, why should we?
For sending us a suspect attractive enough to give us an excuse to use full-body scanning, you will earn 50,000 frequent flyer miles, plus a cut of the proceeds from the Web site that is sure to result from these images.
Remember, keeping an eye on one’s fellow flyers is your patriotic duty: Why shouldn’t it be profitable as well?
To respond to the opinions in this column, please contact rlevey@primediabusiness.com
