As some readers may be aware, I occasionally respond to Nigerian 419 e-mail scams. The idea is to have some fun and hopefully waste a little of their time, making it time they can’t use scamming.
I had a particularly enjoyable exchange with a 419 scammer recently and decided to publish it here.
Warning: The following is arguably the crudest piece ever published in this newsletter. No, seriously. I’m not kidding.
For those who don’t know, Nigerian 419 fraud—named after the applicable Nigerian legal code—is a scam where someone claims to have millions of dollars they’d like to get out of a country, usually Nigeria, but needs assistance doing so. The scammers offer would-be dupes a large percentage of the transaction if they’ll let the money pass through their account.
Once someone takes the bait, they are told some advance fees are required to process paperwork or bribe government officials. When 419 fraud works, the scammer will keep coming up with new fees and the scammee will keep paying in an effort not to lose money already spent.
Two weeks ago, I received a 419 scam e-mail from a “Mr. Peter Lee” claiming to be an executive at “Hang Seng Bank” with $25.6 million in an account owned by a client who died with no next of kin.
According to Mr. Lee, all I had to do was pose as this person’s next of kin to get 30% of the account.
So I created a special e-mail account just for this discussion, ShuvittInyurass@yahoo.com, and answered him:
“Dear Mr. Lee:
“Thank you for contacting me. I am interested in your proposal.
“But I must make sure I can trust you. In my family, there has been a history of bad luck and unfortunate business dealings.
“My name is Shuvitt Inyurass.
“I have traced my last name to pre-communist Russia where the Inyurasses were affluent peasants, or kulaks, as their class was known.
“After the Communist revolution, the kulaks were declared enemies of the people and most of the Inyurasses were sent to the Russian gulag system never to be seen again.
“However, my great grandfather Puhttitt Inyurass escaped to the west by train and then immigrated to America. Somehow, he had enough money to found the Inyurass Ointment Company.
“Family lore has it that Great Grandpa Puhttitt fell in with the Goscruyerself Russian crime family, and that’s how he got the money.
“In any case, Great Grandpa Puhttitt wrote his son, my grandfather, Yurhedis Inyurass out of his will after Yurhedis left the family to start the Inyurass Hair Removal Company.
“The Inyurass Hair Removal Company is very successful, but my father, Lance D. Boyle Inyurass, who took over the business from Granddad Yurhedis, has let it be known that he is passing the entire business to my brother Rahmitt Inyurass.
“I also have an uncle named Pierce D. Boyle Inyurass, aka “Pop,” but, alas, he is untrustworthy.
“Last I heard, Uncle ‘Pop’ D. Boyle Inyurass married a young hussy named Hemma Royd.
“Aunt Hemma—I can’t believe I’m calling her that; she’s younger than I am—and Uncle “Pop” had a daughter and named her Lihtta Pharty Inyurass.
“But their marriage went sour after Uncle “Pop” had an affair and began spending all his money on gambling and drink.
“So you see, my family history is one broken trust after another. I have a great deal of trouble believing people, even members of my own family.
“I have a good feeling about you, though. The tone of your letter is very kind.
“But still, I am wary. How do I know I can trust you? Would you please supply some more details on the transaction you propose?
“Sincerely:
“Shuvitt Inyurass”
Mr. Lee responded with what looked to be a form letter asking for some personal information including my age and occupation. The idea behind stringing along 419 scammers is to try and get personal letters from them so they spend some of their would-be scamming time not scamming.
So I responded again:
“Dear Mr. Lee Peter [Yes, I screwed up and transposed his first and last names here]:
“Thank you for your note. In answer to your question, I am 47 years old and work in a jacket factory owned by my sister, Pympell Inyurass.
“The company is called the Inyurass Wind Breaker Company.
“It is quite successful, but my sister is very hard to work for.
“Hopefully you can free me from the hell that is my life right now.
“But still you’ve given me no proof that I can trust you.
“How do I know I can trust you? This is an awful lot of money you’re talking about.
“You know all about me. Tell me about yourself.
“Sincerely, and I really mean it:
“Shuvitt Inyurass”
This time Mr. Lee responded with a personal note:
“Dear Shuvitt Inyurass,
“Many thanks to you e-mail and explanations.
“I am happy you are of age to handle this transaction.
“But for your information, age has nothing to do with Maturity.
“I want to believe that you are matured enough to work with me.
“I am glad you wish to free yourself from the hell you are facing with your sister and start a life of your own, I hope that is what you meant in your e-mail.
“I have worked with Hang Seng bank for years now and this is a one time opportunity to own my personal business and start life just as most influential men did. Life is all about making use of the opportunity at hand.
“Shuvitt Inyurass, It is your choice to work with me or not. I will do everything legally required to ensure that this project goes smoothly, it shall pass through all international Banking law.
“Having resolved to entrust this transaction unto your hands, I want to remind you that, it needs your commitment and diligent follow up. If we work seriously the entire transaction should be over in a couple of days.
“I need you to send me a copy of your identification (I.D, Driver's license or International passport), your contact address and valid telephone number along with the filled funds release form. You will be receiving other details from me including a copy of my identification and other relevant information. All I need is your seriousness and commitment.
“With a short period, your sister will not recognize you again I assure you.
“Regards,
“Peter Lee JP
I responded again:
“Dear Mr. Lee Peter: [Again, I screwed up his name, but I hadn’t yet noticed and neither, apparently, had he.]
“Thank you for responding. I am sincerely ready to work with you and get away from my annoying, somewhat painful sister Pympell Inyurass and her Wind Breaker Company. Working there really stinks.
“It looks as if you are in Hong Kong. I have two cousins there, Aylianprobe Inyurass and Itchyrash Inyurass. Do you know either of them?
“Aylianprobe Inyurass is quite nice and very rich, though he tends to make people uncomfortable. And many people who claim to have dealt with him are clearly crazy. For some reason, they all want to go to Nevada. I communicate with Aylianprobe often. He has always told me if I ever need any financial help to call him. I have been hesitant to do so, though. Maybe we can get him to help us in our dealings.
“My other cousin, Itchyrash Inyurass, is a girl and I think she's a bit loose. It seems everyone has had an Itchyrash at one time or another. It's a very uncommon name, no?
“In any case, when do you need a copy of my driver's license? My license has been suspended. I was pulled over by a police officer recently. I rolled down the window. He asked my name. I said, I thought innocently enough, ‘Shuvitt Inyurass.’ Well, he became very agitated at this. Then he asked who was with me. I said: ‘My wife.’ He said, ‘Who?’ I thought he didn't hear me so I spoke up: ‘My wife! Crammit Inyurass!!’
“With that, the officer got really mad, hauled me out of the car and off to the police station.
“Now, I ask you Mr. Lee Peter: Would you get mad if I said ‘Crammit Inyurass’ loudly to you? I hope not. I would like to think you're a more reasonable man than that.
“I think I get my driver's license back next week. Is that too late?
“Sincerely, and I hope you take this literally:
“Shuvitt Inyurass.”
To my surprise, Mr. Lee responded with another personal note:
“Dear Shuvitt Inyurass,
“Many thanks to your e-mail and letting me know you are ready and willing to work with me on this transaction. Yes I am in Hong Kong but might be travelling for a board meeting to Seoul, Korea tomorrow.
“Now, you mentioned your cousin Aylianprobe Inyurass is a very rich but tends to make people uncomfortable, that is already a negative introduction of him. To be honest with you, I want you to keep this transaction confidential knowing fully well the amount involved. For now we do not need your cousin or your family members. In fact, I want you to surprise them after the funds has been transferred. You will be as rich as they are and they will respect the name Shuvitt Inyurass for once; mark my words.
“I have told you in my last e-mail that I need your commitment and willingness, so I do not need your cousin or any other third party, not even my wife know about this transaction, so I have shown you the limit to wish I wish to expose our dealings. It has to be between both of us.
“Sure, I will not be mad at you when you mention your wife's name to me, although people have their own way of reasoning; well try and get your license back. You can send your work ID to me now along side the form (I am attaching another copy to you).
“I also scan and attach a copy of my work ID, certificate of deposit of the deceased, this is to let you know how serious I am and how far have brought this transaction. As such I will need you to be serious and leave your family out of this and lets get down to business.
“If you can fill out the form now, I will be very glad. My regards to your wife and kids. I await your e-mail.
“Regards
“Peter Lee”
It was then that I realized I had been addressing Mr. Lee backwards. Time for an apology:
“Dear Mr. Peter Lee:
”Sorry I mixed up your first and last name in my last e-mail. You know us ignorant Americans: All those Asian names sound alike to us!
“People sometimes mistakenly spell and pronounce my name in its original English form: Shuvitt Inyerarse. I never get mad though. People make mistakes, right? Nothing to get upset about.
“In any case, I'm not sure how to proceed. The form you want filled out isn't clear to me.
“Would you explain it to me, please?
“Sincerely, and I can't remember having ever meant anything more strongly:
“Shuvitt Inyurass, or Inyerarse if you prefer.”
A day later, I received another personal note from Mr. Lee. He was not pleased:
“Dear Shuvitt Inyurass
“This is in response to your e-mail. In your first e-mail, you claimed to be a Russian and now you are claiming American. Now you need to confirm you actual country and facial identity.
“Look Shuvitt Inyurass, I am not here for time waste or a child's play discussion. If you are ready to work on this transaction, then find attached again, the form. It is clear and concise nothing to explain. Just download, print, fill out, scan and send back to me. There is absolutely nothing to more required.
“I thought that by sending you my work ID, certificate of deposit and other explanations, you will understand my seriousness. I will appreciate, if you rather become serious and send the filled out form alongside work ID, so we can proceed. If not state clearly your intentions not to proceed further, so I can know my fate in you.
“Finally, I will not entertain anymore family issues or irrelevant discussion outside this subject matter. We have some business aims to actualize so, act like a matured and ready person. I hope you understand my state of conversation.
“Thank you
“Peter Lee”
Uh oh. I irritated him. Time for another apology:
“Dear Mr. Lee:
“Geez. I am so sorry. I thought we were becoming friends.
“Just to clarify, in my first letter I did not claim to be Russian. I said my ancestors were Russian. If you'll recall, I said my great grandfather Puhttitt Inyurass escaped from Russia to the west by train and then immigrated to America to found the Inyurass Ointment Company.
“My family has been American ever since. I'm sure if you check our correspondence you'll see I never claimed to be Russian.
“And when you say you want no more discussions of my family members, I take it you would not like to hear of my second cousin, once removed Twobyfour Inyurass. He is really quite interesting, but not as interesting as his brother Tenfootpole Inyurass, though. Like my other family members Twobyfour and Tenfootpole can be quite annoying.
“Do you know what it's like to deal with a Twobyfour or Tenfootpole Inyurass? Let me tell you, it can be excruciating.
“As for the documents you sent. Anyone could forge those so I'm not sure they're real.
“This relationship must be about trust, Mr. Lee. So I really need proof I can trust you.
“I think I would be able to trust you if you sent me $100. That would certainly cement the deal.
“So how about it, Mr. Lee? Just send me $100 and I'll fill out the form.
“Sincerely, I beseech you:
“Shuvitt Inyurass”
Mr. Lee’s response arrived the next day:
“Dear Shuvitt Inyurass
“I am really pleased with your last e-mail. Well, Yes we are friends and cannot recall telling you that we are not friends or trying to become friends. I only needed seriousness from you. But with your last e-mail, I am now convinced that you cannot handle this transaction. You demanding for $100, just to gain trust, that is a very high sense of immaturity, do not feel insulted please, but I must confess you are not ready to make use of this opportunity.
“For your information, the certificate of deposit alone is enough for a proof along side my work ID. That certificate you have with you is worth millions of dollars and all you demand is a $100, I cannot believe you actually typed your last mail.
“Sorry, sending you a $100 does not guarantee you my trust; that is rather a very cheap means of buying trust and that is not good enough for this transaction; you have shown a low esteem on my plans for you.
“I do not feel insulted by your e-mail anyway, I feel much more relieved now. Thank you Shuvitt Inyurass and I hope someday you understand.
“Peter”
Wow. Now he decides I’m immature.
Obviously, Mr. Lee is trying to goad me into dropping my demand for money by wounding my pride.
But I think this is a perfect place to finish. Farewell, Mr. Lee.
For those who enjoy reading about 419 scammers being strung along, check out 419eater.com. The folks who contribute to that site are hilarious. I don’t even pretend to be in their league.
