A mini-test: What do you know about these people?
- Angel McCray
- Burton Daly
- Cary Salter
- Cecilia Baez
- Cesar Bower
- Daisy Bowers
- Delmer Goddard
- Ebony Childress
Oh, surely you've heard of them. Every one, plus who knows how many hundreds of others, is the sender's name on an otherwise identical e-mail beginning, “Pre-Approved! Your credit doesn't matter to us!…”
All right, let's try a second group:
- Clement Walden
- Cleo Bland
- Cliff Rowe
- Clifton Cervantes
- Cody Baez
- Coleman Daugherty
- David Myers
- Edna Madrid (one of a number of Ednas)
You're beginning to get the idea. These are a few of a multitude of names supposedly originating an e-mail beginning, “Dear Home Owner/Your credit doesn't matter to us. If you own real estate and want IMMEDIATE cash…”
These names are just the tip of a spammish iceberg. We chuckle “Who cares?” unless we're naive tyro marketers who paid somebody for a list of what we thought were “unique” names. The only unique aspect is the choice of sender names. I'm guessing they were chosen to represent an ethnic/demographic mix that would be comfortable to the recipient.
The only problem with that approach is that each of these marketers, along with the inevitable vendors of chemical lovemaking assistance, assaulted one of my e-mail addresses in concert. Sometimes the identical message wormed through 40 or 50 times the same day.
Ever get a “delivery confirmation”? One of my lesser-used online addresses got eight of 'em over a two-day period. A delivery confirmation brings up either Home Depot (To receive your gift, please click on or cut and paste: We have been trying to reach you in order to deliver your $500 Home Depot Gift Card Confirmation. Please verify your shipping address and zipcode.) or Laptop Delivery (Please confirm your order here: We have been trying to reach you in order to deliver your Free* Gift. Please verify your shipping address and zipcode.) or Plasma TV (We have been trying to reach you in order to deliver your Free* Plasma TV (Please verify your address so that we may deliver your parcel. Confirm your address now! BonusGiftPromotions is giving you this free gift for your participation on our evaluation survey. The TV is yours to keep. Redeem your Plasma TV now! Thank you and ENJOY!).
I don't know how many others may have slid under the spam door; these arrived in a chunk, making the bulk effect more noticeable.
Then we have a plethora of “Last Notice” e-mails. How many last notices, end to end, total a last notice? Right! None.
Now assume you aren't on a pay-per-click basis. You're paying per-thousand for distribution. Wouldn't you be just a bit distressed to learn that your message was delivered dozens or even hundreds of times to a handful of people instead of once to a massive universe?
Dewayne Arrington wants to sell me a Rolex knockoff. The irresistible copy theme: “There's no battery in these replicas just like the real ones since they charge themselves as you move. The second hand moves JUST like the real ones, too. These original watches sell in stores for thousands of dollars. We sell them for much less.” The e-mail continues with two mildly contradictory bullets — “98% Perfectly Accurate Markings” and “Includes all Proper Markings.”
Three problems, Dewayne: First, so many fake Rolexes are floating around I've switched to Breitling. Second, you're competing against a bunch of challengers, some of whom have exotic and lowercase names, such as…
- Wiley Jorgensen
- thomas R. mandeville
- Nola Corcoran
- leonard r (witness protection program?)
- Felix Carlisle
- Darlene duxozy
- Donovan Frazier
- George lynamupa
- George qatylyma
And third, Hazel is after me to buy a Rolex from her. She's Hazel Head, Hazel jozo, Hazel pofih, Hazel tuhe — who can resist being hazed by such exotic Hazels?
But my favorite spam is based not on the offer but the sender's pseudo-name: Dishonesty K. Bowery is offering me “Anatrim — the newest and most exciting fat loss product available — as scen [sic] on Oprah.” Well, Dishonesty, I have to admire the honesty of your dishonesty, when Maria H. of Chicago has invoked the Anatrim Deity with, “God, my appetite decreased, mood improved and I lost 20 pounds in 2.5 months. I can tell you now I'm a happier person!”
Dominic Sanchez mirrors Dishonesty's pitch. That generates a puzzled last shot: The name Dominic (or its semi-clone, Dominick) seems to be a moniker of choice. Various Dominics or Dominicks are offering me a stock tip on Petro Sun Drilling…at least three of them for the ubiquitous “Your credit doesn't matter to us”…Viagra and its cohorts…a pre-approved mortgage, although the pitch headed by “Dominic Street” is signed by Miranda Ramirez…and just for gender equity, a “Your credit doesn't matter to us” from Dominique Jorgensen.
Aside from nominal entertainment value, the point these and — literally — a couple of thousand other intrusions make is that the name at which these were fired is one I've carefully avoided using to inquire about any deals, legitimate or suspected illegitimate. A secret floodgate opened, and that's as potent a danger signal as those of us who hope to survive without drowning under their bulk in the murky e-mail waters can face.
Now, look: I don't need a loan. I don't want a Rolex knockoff. And if I need Viagra, I'm not going to admit it to Dominic or, certainly, to Dominique.
HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS (www.herschellgordonlewis.com) is the principal of Lewis Enterprises in Fort Lauderdale, FL. Heconsults with and writes direct response copy for clients worldwide. “Hot Appeals or Burnt Offerings” is his recently published 30th book. Among his other books are “Open Me Now,” the curmudgeonly titled “Asinine Advertising,” and “On the Art of Writing Copy” (third edition).
