Some e-mail offers are just irresistible
Carol Johnson@bestsettinghost.info sent me an offer I have a hard time refusing: “Reduce Your Debt By Up To 70%. Choose Your Own Payment Amount.” But it's too proletarian for my exalted tastes because it lets the beer drinkers cavort with us caviar gobblers: “Everyone Qualifies! One Low Monthly Payment! No Home Ownership Required!”
So, Carol, you'll have to compete with…InsaneRichGuy@parrotmarigold.com, who adds exclusivity to the mix: “I just wanted to send you that reminder I promised you about my ‘Internet Business-In-A-Box’ that I told you I would give you when I had some more available. Well, I have some more available, about 250 total, and I promised you one as soon as I had more to give out. You won't have to pay the $497 price tag on your copy, I can give it to you right now for no cost, and no strings attached.”
InsaneRichGuy's pitch goes on…and on…and on. He recovers his wits just in time to remind me: “Press here to get your copy before all 250 are taken.” Sorry, buddy. This insane poor guy wants an original. I don't buy copies any more than I'd buy lumpfish instead of caviar. So awright awready, I'll click — “delete.”
Oh, heavens to Murgatroyd, what have I done! I'll have to go to the next insane pitch, and you can bet one is as close as the daily spam…
“HimageHolding Ltd wants to know if you will like to work online from home and get paid weekly without leaving or affecting your present job. Himage Holding Ltd., Kowloon, Hong Kong is an electronics firm here in Kowloon, Hong Kong and we need someone to work for the company as a representative in the UK, United States, Canada and the rest of Europe countries.
“Our company produces and deals in all kinds of electronics here in Kowloon, Hong Kong which we have clients we supply weekly all around the globe in the UK, United states, Canada and rest of Europe countries, our clients make payments for our supplies every week via Bank Transfer or Check payment.
“WHAT YOU NEED TO DO FOR US: “The international money transfer tax for legal entities (companies) is 25%, whereas for the individual it is only 7%. We had rather use individuals. That's why we need you, We need agents to receive payment for us (in money orders, check, credit card or Bank wire transfers) and to send the money to us as directed.
“This way we will save more money by decreasing amount paid on taxes.”
Gee, what an opportunity! Can I possibly qualify, Kowloony?
Let's look at the…
“JOB DESCRIPTION: Representativces [sic] are expected to;
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Recieve [sic] payment from Clients
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Cash Payments at your Bank
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Deduct 10% which will be your renumeration/pay [sic] on Payment processed.
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Send balance sum after deduction of your 10% renumeration and cost of transfer.”
So now I'm nervous, because “renumeration” means renumbering, and I may be too numb to do that. Uhh, buddy, speaking of numbers, what's my remuneration? Ah, he's about to tell me.
“HOW MUCH WILL YOU EARN? 10% renumeration from each operation!”
Damn! Renumbering again. I can count to 15 if I take off only one shoe. But here's an example that clarifies:
“For instance: you receive 7000 US Dollar via checks or money orders on our behalf. You will cash the money and keep $700 (10% from $7000) for yourself! At the beginning your commission will equal 10%, though later it may increase up to 12%!”
The arithmetic is impeccable, so the deal has to be legitimate, doesn't it?
But hey, Reub, I have a better idea: Hire me as your proofreader. Otherwise I may have to resign my appointment in favor of another offer I have a hard time refusing…
“Say good bye to debt
“Acceptable Unsecured Debt includes All Major Credit Cards, No-collateral Bank Loans, Personal Loans, Medical Bills etc.”
That “etc.” is irresistible, as is the total message, which validates itself by repeating itself:
“Say good bye to debt
“Acceptable Unsecured Debt includes All Major Credit Cards, No-collateral Bank Loans, Personal Loans, Medical Bills etc.”
I know what happened here. The copywriter asked the marketer, or vice versa, “Is this copy for the subject line or the text?” and the other person answered, “Yes.”
Maybe for them. For us it's a solid “No.”
HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS (www.herschellgordonlewis.com) is the author of 31 books, including the recently published “Creative Rules for the 21st Century.” He's also written “Hot Appeals or Burnt Offerings,” the curmudgeonly titled “Asinine Advertising,” and “Effective E-mail Marketing.”
