Mmmmm… Honey, Cornbread, Girls and Other Southern Treats
Old news is nothing exciting, and we here at Broken News like to keep
our reports bangin’ like Bangladesh. Word out South Carolina is that
AdDrive just bought the state. In a loophole from the Declaration of
Independence, "a single Corporation may assume a given state in the
event that single Corporation’s monetary intake comprises a greater
amount than the remainder of the state in any calendar year." That
excerpt was extracted directly from the Declaration. I have a copy on
my nightstand that I read nightly, particularly the part about, "the
right to enjoy young vixens with bare arms. Maybe that part is not
verbatim, but the previous quote concerning the state of state’s
rights is dead-on. I can’t believe it, and neither can South Carolina
citizens. "Hell, I knew they was doing good, but that’s just plain
stupid," claims South Carolina Governor, Mark Sanford. He goes on to
say, "Luckily for me, the ole boys at AdDrive are fellow Republicans
and they are allowing me to stay in office." Who knows how long that
will last, as we have heard rumblings that AdDrive is trading
Government positions for traffic to Retail Report Card! We give
AdDrive an "A" when it comes to ruling the south!
iBod
DadaMobile, Thumbplay, Jamster, RingAza and other industry leading
ringtone agencies have partnered with Apple’s iPod for a new nano that
features all of the hottest ringtones in the marketplace. For those
who "bat from the other side," you can even get the remarkable new,
branded "iBod" gay ringtone phone. Featuring such favorites as
Michael Buble, Madonna and the B-52’s, the "iBod" is a favorite
amongst Hollywood execs and readers of the Digital Moses Confidential.
The ringtone that is absolutely DIVINE is "Gasolina" by Yankee Daddy.
Statistical Phenomenon
All of the sub-prime credit and debit card marketing agencies reported
growths in 1st quarter gross profit, and are expecting even greater Q2
returns. We secured audit reports from several prominent card issuers
when we pretended to be interested Venture Capitalists. In the name
of provocative journalism, I am comfortable with my decision to be
invited into the walls of these Companies, being given access to their
books and reporting them back to you, the curious elitist. My
findings were mesmerizing, as if you listened to what these guys have
been telling us the last five years, you would have heard the
incessant, adamant and identical tagline, "we are breaking dead even
on the card and making margin on the data later on! The data, the
data, the data! I am paying you what the bank pays me!"
Cauldron’s Recipe
In a study just released by the Wall Street Journal, experts have
unearthed remarkable findings concerning the varying degrees of
success amongst affiliate managers in our sector. Those who have
enjoyed by far the most success brush their teeth for 90 seconds
between 7:02 and 7:29am, ingest between 18 and 20 ounces of caffeine
per day, speak with their significant other no more than once, write a
comprehensive "To Do" list every night for the next day before
leaving, and do unto other advertisers, publishers, co-workers and
friends as you would have done to yourself if you were not yourself
and were not entrenched in this ruthless Wheel of Misfortune.
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